October 22, 2004

Suffering from buyer's remorse?

Dear friends,

Corruption in government has become so common that special interest
groups now get a *warranty card* when they buy a government official!

Thought you'd like to see a copy, so I've reproduced it below.

* * *


Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government
Official[tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm]
should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider
information, preferential legislation and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you
would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This
information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used
solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check
all that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Former crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fund-raiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please
check all that apply.)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies / aggressors /targets
for future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates /spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors /environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government Official[tm]? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing

__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a
Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money
can buy.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 05:26 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 543 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Sadly, my answer for that last one is always the same: Outbribed by competing interest. :-)

Posted by: Harvey at October 23, 2004 03:43 PM (tJfh1)

2 Reminds me of one of my favorite Jay Leno quotes: "Phillip Morris fell 6 points. They lost so much money they may have to lay off two senators."

Posted by: sackofcatfood at October 25, 2004 10:27 AM (HSHJb)

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