June 29, 2005


Time for another Alliance PGH assignment: How should the White House respond to incredibly stupid accusations at press conferences?

I think it's time to use the wayback machine, back to an era- the 1980's- when the only difference between computer system administrators and God was that the latter never thought he was one of the former. On to the press conference:

Reporter: When will President Bush admit to lying to the American people, and when will he resign from office in disgrace?

White House Spokesman(WHS): Well, let's see. Jane, right? Your question is one which we'd like to answer. However, it appears that the police are coming to question you right now about some lewd and lacivious pictures that you posted on alt.bestiality.with.baby.squirrels.tasteless. And while I make no value judgements myself on your perfectly legitimate lifestyle choices, the local constabulary is, of course, constrained by the law. Next?

Reporter 1: When will Bush release all secret government intelligence information concerning Iraq? And as a followup, when will he stop using "national security" as a smokescreen? The American people have the right to know!

WHS: Secret information? Such as you telling your psychologist that you've masturbated while looking at pictures of Helen Thomas? Or that your wife doesn't know you were once a woman? Although that does raise questions about your children...


WHS: Must have picked a bad, completely random example. Next question?

Reporter 3: Does President Bush consider his mediocre academic past a liability in his position? Also, does he feel that being a former drunk and coke-head compromises his ability to lead this country during a time of war?

WHS: Well John, I suppose that if had lied about his academic credentials, the fact that he had been convicted of grand theft auto and pedophilia and the fact that he was an illegal immigrant, President Bush might consider that a liability when applying for a job as White House reporter. And whatever his past troubles with alcohol, which he has admitted to, he does have the know-how to email all of the above-mentioned information to your employer. In fact, you might want to check your voice mail as soon as possible. Next?

::crickets chirping::

WHS: Well, that will be all for today. I look forward to our next press conference. Good day.


Much better work of this sort found here.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:25 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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