October 21, 2008

Movie script for people with short attention spans

Well, I did see X-Files 2: This Movie Really Sucked in the theater. To be fair, I waited until it hit the local second run so I only wasted 2 dollars instead of the normal 10. In any event, this abridged script from the Editing Room is, unfortunately, more entertaining than the actual movie. Excerpt:



INT: EAST EUROPEAN BATH HOUSE

David finds a room full of the people he knows to have been abducting and cutting up women for body parts, armed with…. a wrench. That’s right, a wrench. He gets his shit fucked up.

CUT TO:

INT: SUV

GILLIAN ANDERSON

Gee, I sure am glad that you were able to show up out of nowhere to come help me find David.

The camera slowly shows a shiny bald head from behind soon revealing MITCH PILEGGI only to give him some of the dumbest lines in the movie.

FANBOYS

Walter Skinner Zomfg! BBQ! STFU! Internet!

MITCH PILEGGI

(with a shit eating grin)

No problem sweetheart.

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July 31, 2008

Opie's daughter will be baacck

Heretofore unknown to me, Bryce Dallas Howard will take over the part of Kate in the upcoming Terminator: Salvation movie.

I thought that she was great in the movie that Emily hates so much. To be fair, Emily did say the following:


I will say that, to his credit, Shyamalan's films always have had a great premise, beautiful settings and costumes and he gets stunning performances out of some stellar actors.

I thought that Ms. Howard was exceptional in The Movie That Must Not Be Named. I'm certain that she'll be good in the new Terminator movie, so long as they completely ignore her character like Spiderman 3 did.

One more thing: did I mention that I think she's smokin' hot?

more...

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June 27, 2008

I still want to believe

Some clips from X Files: I Want To Believe are now available online.

I watched the pilot when it first aired here in the US and then again in Australia a few months later (my present to myself for finishing grad school). I watched every single episode, including all of the craptastic ones from the last two seasons. There isn't any way that I won't see this movie in the theater. Maybe it'll suck, but it will still be better than most of what's in theaters this year.

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June 24, 2008

It's official: Hollywood is out of ideas

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the movie theater, Hollywood proves you wrong. Again. I give you the following:

1) 30 Upcoming Movie Sequels You Didn't Know About. Excerpt:


We've spent days of our lives scouring the world for news of sequels that you may not have heard of. And here are 30 films in various states of production...

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder: Casper Van Diem is back, but it’s still going straight to DVD, as the piss-awful second film did. It’s due out later this year.

Pink Panther 2: Oh dear. And I’m a Steve Martin fan. It’s out on 13th February 2009.

Ace Ventura 3: No Jim Carrey though, and no chance of it seeing the inside of a cinema. Head to Blockbuster later in the year if you want to catch it.

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave: Another straight to DVD sequel, but this one’s of note because it’s directed by Soul Man/Hitcher star C Thomas Howell. Blimey.

Jurassic Park 4: It’s taken them ages to sort this out, but the latest is that Laura Dern is still attached, and that it’ll be released in 2009. Don’t hold your breath though, as shooting would need to start really very soon...

2) 28 Sequels Later: more films you didn't know were coming.


Lots more sequels to films are on the way - and we've uncovered new adventures for Rambo, Jumper, AvP and a whole lot more. Get ready to be happy. And depressed.
...

Cliffhanger 2: The Dam
With Rocky and Rambo revivals bringing home the bucks, the once-mooted Cliffhanger sequel has popped back onto the radar. No news if Renny Harlin would be interested in going back to the series, but here at Den Of Geek we reckon it’s a fair bet that Sly’s up for it. Will he ever consider a Demolition Man sequel, though?

It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World: The Sequel
Stanley Kramer apparently approved the idea to this before he died, although no cast or crew have been announced. Don’t expect it soon.

The Ring 3
Okay, that sound? It’s the dead horse, coming back to life, begging not to be flogged anymore. Hideo Nakata is attached to direct the third American film in the series, albeit with nobody you’ve heard of in the cast this time. Expect it next year.

3) 22 sequels and remakes you didn't know were coming.


The Da Vinci Code 2: Angels & Demons
Just who asked for this, exactly? Originally delayed by the writers’ strike, Dan Brown’s book will is being readied for a 2009 release, and both Ron Howard behind the camera and Tom Hanks in front of it are returning. It’s not like they need the money.

Sex & The City 2
It’s not out yet, and we don’t want to see it, but it seems that there’s a plan to bring further Sex & The City adventures to the big screen. This is not a thought that thrills us, particularly.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder
The one that returns Casper van Diem to the franchise, even though it’s still a straight to DVD affair. The film is in the can, and currently in the editing stages.

4) 38 Planned Movie Remakes You Didn't Know About .


Starfighter
A planned remake of the 1984 movie The Last Starfighter, which remains popular today. Nick Castle is currently attached to direct the project (he did the original as well, although his biggest hit as director is the 1993 kids’ movie Dennis). We fear this one may get lost in development hell. Hope not.

The Evil Dead
Sam Raimi is attached to the remake of one of his most loved films, with both he and Bruce Campbell on producing duties. Set for release at some point next year, they’ll have to get their skates on, as there’s no sign of cameras being turned on just yet.
[editor's note: Okay, this one I'll have to see.]

5) 23 TV shows heading to the big screen.


Magnum
Tom Selleck and his moustache are absent from the planned cast list of the big screen Magnum movie right now, with Matthew McConaughey in the running for the lead role. The script is written, and now it’s up to director Rawson Marshall Thunder (Dodgeball) to get it filmed for a planned 2009 release.
...
The A Team
The movie is still pressing ahead, with John ‘Shaft remake’ Singleton in the director’s chair. Latest casting rumours: Woody Harrelson as Murdock and Ice Cube as B.A. Take with pinches of salt. The film’s due in 2010.
...
ChiPs
Ready for a big screen bout of Chicago Highway Patrol? Warner Bros is developing the project for possible release next year; writers are attached to the film now, with Wilma Valderrama (from Party Monster and Fast Food Nation) reported to be interesting the casting team.

Since retreads, remakes, and unwanted/unneeded sequels are apparently what Hollywood wants, I'll offer up a few ideas of my own:


  • "Showgirls 2: Search for the Diseased Cooch"
  • "Thelma and Louise 2: Gravity Does Its Work" [low budget and a very, very short film]
  • "Brokeback Mountain 2: I Still Know What You Did With the Soap On a Rope"
  • "Carnosaur 3: Suckage On an Epic Scale "
  • "Godzilla 2: Size Does Matter. Also, a Plot"
  • "Tombstone 2: The O.K. Corral Falls Apart"
  • "Fantastic Four 3: Come See Jessia Alba's Tits" [ed.: Okay, that's the same as the first two FF movies, but you know what I mean.]

Now I'll just sit back and wait for that crazy movie money to roll in. Any. Minute. Now.

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April 17, 2008

I want to believe, too

That this movie won't suck

So the title for the second X Files movie has been released: The X Files: I Want To Believe. Because no one remembers the poster in Mulder's office, I guess.

I liked FTF. It was a pretty good bridge between seasons 5 and 6 and a decent story in its own right. However, I'm still unclear as to where this movie will go, especially given the way that the series ended. For those of you who didn't watch the series finale, well, go rent it. Or rather, don't. Starting around season 7, the X Files started sucking. A lot.

If it sounds like I won't go to the theater on July 25, don't kid yourself. I watched the pilot when it aired and there's no way that I'll miss the movie. I just hope I don't want my money back afterwards.

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April 09, 2008

Charlton Heston remembered

Yesterday, a friend reminded me of Charlton Heston's 1993 appearance on SNL, which included this classic opening sequence:


[ open on Charlton Heston in his dressing room, sitting on the couch and talking into a mini-cassette recorder ]

Charlton Heston: And this completes my final journal entry, before I host the show. Eleven.. twenty-five P.M., December 4th A.D., 1993.

Joe Dicso: [ peeking in ] Five minutes, Mr. Heston.

Charlton Heston: Fine, Joe. I'll just, uh.. lie down for a couple of minutes.

[ Heston lies across the couch, as he again speaks into his mini-cassette recorder ]

You know, there's one thing still bothering me: Is man truly meant to be funny? I just don't know.

[ Heston falls asleep, as the clock on the wall spins at a rapid pace ]

[ the years zoom by - 1994.. 1995.. 1996.. 2000.. 2050.. 2200.. stopping at 3978 ]

[ Heston wakes from his nap, now bearded and dazed ]

Charlton Heston: Wha..? what time is it..? I.. overslept.. Why the hell didn't somebody wake me..?

[ Heston stumbles into the empty hall, failing to notice the framed photos of apes lining the walls ]

Charlton Heston: Hello? Somebody! Any.. hello..? Where is every.. Hello?! Hello..! [ echoes ] What's going on here, anyway?

[ Heston approaches the doors to the studio, flanked with futuristic scarecrows from the "Planet of the Apes" movie. The familiar music sting eminates upon their image, then cuts as Heston notices the back of a stagehand inside the doorway ]

Charlton Heston: Oh. There's somebody. Hey! sir? Hello?

[ the stagehand turns around - it's an ape ]

Charlton Heston: Aaagghh!! [ runs down the hall ] Oh, my God! It's happening again!

Sadly, I've searched and cannot find that particular video anywhere. The NRA spoof ad he did on SNL? That I can find, plus numerous other parodies. But not "The Studio of the Apes". Actually, I can find it after he's already been captured by the apes. He's got the two apes holding his choke collar while talking to the studio audience of apes. Pretty funny. But I can't find the beginning part where he does off and the clock spins forward. If anyone out there knows where that particular video is, please let me know.

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April 01, 2008

The return of Han

As improbable as the Eagles' Hell Freezes Over Tour was, Harrison Ford returning as Han Solo in Carrie Fisher penned script beats it out by a mile. Next thing you know, a nuclear warhead will turn into a plummeting to its death blue whale. Excerpt:


It was bound to happen eventually – especially after he agreed to bring back ‘The Man in the Hat’ for another round ("Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" opens in May). Harrison Ford has agreed to play the intergalactic smug smuggler, Han Solo, one more time.

“Han Solo”, based on a script by “Star Wars” veteran Carrie Fisher, will tell of the Space Pirate’s post-“Return of the Jedi” life – his rocky relationship with Leia, their mischievous Jedi-training twins, and principally, Solo’s ongoing battle with The Hutt’s, says BrokenDroid.com.

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January 31, 2007

Woo-woo-woo!

I've probably asked about 1,000 women whether or not they like the Three Stooges. At a conservative ratio of 99 to 1, women loathe the eye-poking trio, whichever edition is on. Anyway, Michele illustrates my point here. Excerpt:


Maybe I don't like slapstick humor. I like my jokes subtle. Low key. I like humor that makes me think. Slapping someone upside the head forty times in half an hour only makes me think "Who the fuck is lauging at this and when did he get that lobotomy?"

There was an old episode of Mad About You where Paul Reiser's character had run to his studio to avoid a squabble with his wife, played by the yummy Helen Hunt. Anyway, she shows up and sees that Paul is watching old Stooges videos and exclaims, "They're not even funny!" Paul immediately replies, "We're not going to have this argument again."

Am I going somewhere with this? Not really. I was trying to figure out a way to work the lyrics to some other piece of disco crap into this post, but I couldn't quite swing it.

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January 23, 2007

Bring out yer dead!

Or your flesh-eating zombies. Or your psychic head exploders. Or whatever scared the crap out of you, or simply made you laugh while being scared.

Ehh, maybe I misread the topic. Anyway, Faster Than the World wants your nominations for the best horror movies of all time.

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December 19, 2005

Movie review: King Kong

With the children visiting their grandparents, my wife and I decided to spend some of our free time watching a movie: King Kong. Short review: I loved it. Here's the long version:

Kong, the creature, is tremendous. Instead of an odd, giant ape-like thing that you saw in the original, Peter Jackson creates a CGi masterpiece of a 25 foot tall gorilla. Kong's facial expressions were incredible; I almost thought that I was looking at an actual giant gorilla. However, I was more impressed at how realistic Kong's motions were. I should have known: Andy Serkis played Kong, pretty much the same way that he played Gollum. Peter Jackson stayed with what he knows and, to be fair, the director knows a good bit about making computer generated characters come to life. It's a lesson that George Lucas should have learned before foisting Jar-Jar Binks on the world. But I digress.

I thought that the set designs were superb. The whole shanty-town, soup kitchen realism from the 1930's made me think that I'd gone back in time. It was better than I'd imagined. You will be blown away.

The cast was superb. Naomi Watts was spectacular as Ann Darrow, giving new life to Fay Wray's role. Adrien Brody played her love interest, Jack Driscoll, with an understated eloquence. And Jack Black, who I admit that I don't find all that funny, was great as filmmaker Carl Denham, a man whose greatest passion is himself.

Do I have any negative comments? Sure. Director Jackson seemed stuck at times in his Lord of the Rings extended battle sequence mindset a few times. By that I mean that some of the pitched battles, which were designed to be exciting, grew a bit, um, lengthy for my taste. And I thought the beginning of the movie dragged a bit. Other than that, though, I thought that the movie was tremendous. I was actually drawn into the story. When Kong died, I actually felt sad, which surprised me a great deal, especially since I already knew how the movie ended. And I laughed out loud at the homage Peter Jackson paid to the original King Kong. Filmmaker Denham and his assistant were bemoaning the loss of their leading lady and trying to determine a replacement who they could get to play the part. They mentioned a couple of names and then this little exchange ensued:


Carl Denham: Fay! Fay! What about Fay? She would be perfect!
Preston: She's already filming something for RKO.

For those of you who aren't aware, RKO Radio Pictures produced the original King Kong, starring Fay(Wray).

Tremendous characters, amazing scenery, fantastic action sequences, realistic creatures with more personality than, let's be honest, some of your coworkers. If none of these things appeals to you, then you'll probably want to skip this movie. For the rest of you, though, King Kong will make three hours pass a little too quickly.

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