January 31, 2005
So you don't have to
Jeff Goldstein take exception to Willis unusually(even for him) idiotic ramblings with regards to the recent Iraqi elections. Excerpt:
Also left unanswered, of course, is what in the world might be going through Olivers corndog-addled brain at that moment he decides its a good idea to post his next reprehensible glut of grammatically-challenged and intellectually bankrupt puffery. One wonders, for instance, why he doesnt just cut his losses for a day and hole up in the bathroom with some supersize nachos, his stash of Jennifer Garner pics, a big bottle of lotion, and crate of Mallow Pies.
Mheh. Also be sure to check out the other links in the post, especially this one.
A 25-year-old waitress who turned down a job providing "sexual services'' at a brothel in Berlin faces possible cuts to her unemployment benefit under laws introduced this year.
Prostitution was legalised in Germany just over two years ago and brothel owners who must pay tax and employee health insurance were granted access to official databases of jobseekers.
The waitress, an unemployed information technology professional, had said that she was willing to work in a bar at night and had worked in a cafe.
She received a letter from the job centre telling her that an employer was interested in her "profile'' and that she should ring them. Only on doing so did the woman, who has not been identified for legal reasons, realise that she was calling a brothel.
Under Germany's welfare reforms, any woman under 55 who has been out of work for more than a year can be forced to take an available job including in the sex industry or lose her unemployment benefit. Last month German unemployment rose for the 11th consecutive month to 4.5 million, taking the number out of work to its highest since reunification in 1990.
The government had considered making brothels an exception on moral grounds, but decided that it would be too difficult to distinguish them from bars. As a result, job centres must treat employers looking for a prostitute in the same way as those looking for a dental nurse.
I must have visited the wrong effing bars when I visited Germany.
Update: James Taranto isn't sure that this story is legit. Will let you know if I hear more.
"Why?", my wife asked.
Because Katie hates Bush, honey, and any news that potentially makes him look good will sadden her.
"But the Iraqi people look overjoyed?!"
Yes, and that's part of the problem.
See, my beloved spouse really likes Katie Couric; she has a hard time believing me when I tell her that perky Katie is an anti-Bush, hardcore leftist. However, after correctly predicting that Katie would be wearing black on the days after the US AND Iraq elections, my wife is starting to catch on. She actually laughed this morning when she came to the shower to tell me that Katie was wearing black. And it looks like I wasn't the only person to notice.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett,
"Outside of the killings,
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subp! oenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of
< B>"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George W. Bush, U.S. President
-- former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
"Traditionally, most of
-- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless! you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances"
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman
January 28, 2005
1 1/4 c Milk
1/4 c Butter
3 1/4 c Flour
1/4 c Sugar
1 t Salt
2 pk Yeast
1 ea Egg
1 c Brown sugar
1 1/2 t Cinnamon
3/4 c Butter
2 T Corn syrup
1 c Walnuts
Heat milk and butter to 120 to 130 degrees. Mix together 2 cups flour,
sugar, salt, yeast and egg. Add liquid and beat at medium speed for four
minutes. Stir in rest of flour. Cover and let rise until double (30 to 45
minutes). Generously grease 24 muffin cups. Chop nuts. Heat all topping
ingredients on low until ingredients are melted and combined. Divide topping
between muffin cups. Stir down batter. Drop into muffin cups. Cover and rise
until double (20 to 30 minutes). Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Place tins
on cookie sheet and bake 12 to 15 minutes until golden brown. Cool three
minutes then invert on waxed paper.
January 27, 2005
(You know whats also blowing my mind? The awards and nominations for Sideways. It was an entertaining enough (but irrepressibly snobby) little movie, but its plot point of having Virginia Madsens character passionately attracted to Paul Giamattis loser, and Sandra Ohs characters relentless enthusiasm for jumping into bed with Lowell from Wings make this movie not merely fiction but Science Fiction/Fantasy.)
I second that emotion.
January 26, 2005
What follows is a mish-mash of authentic and snarkish suggestions. Determining which is which is left as an exercise for the reader:
1) Stage a recall election and kick Senator Byrd out of office. The guy is an embarrassment to your party, and he's costing you votes. Do it now.
2) The Kennedy's aren't royalty, so ship Ted Kennedy back home. Have him drive Robery Byrd over the river and through the woods until... who am I kidding? They'll never make it to the woods.
3) Create a 900- number for Democrats to call. All BusHitler all the time for the low-low price of $3.99/minute! Plus, it's a good way to raise money for the party.
4) Hire Howard Dean as the chairman of the DNC. Pretty, pretty please with sugar on top?
5) Also, have Dean write the new national playbook for Democrats: How To Run For The Presidency And Win.
6) Inform the Democrats that maybe people that disagree with you about affirmative action aren't advocating the burning of crosses on the lawn of black families. Make sure that Robert Byrd gets the memo.
7) Have Jessee Jackson and Jim Moran form a comedic duo. They're sure to kill at synagogues and bar mitzahs.
When any Democrat calls a conservative black a sellout or an Uncle Tom, expel that dipstick from the party. By claiming that all people of one color should think the same way, you reveal your own racism and bigotry. It isn't pretty.
9) What would be pretty, though, is Helen Thomas, Barbara Boxer and Barbara Streisand in a pay-per-view only threesome.
9) Allow a pro-life Democrat to speak at your national convention. Claiming to be a big tent party while simultaneously silencing dissent displays an amazing level of hypocrisy. Trust me; people notice. It's not helping the cause when your party appears to tolerate only monolithic acceptance of its national party's platform.
10) Fund Michael Moore's next 10 movies.
11) Start a national campaign tp extend abortion rights: nine months is just too limiting. So what if the fetus is 8 years old? It's her body to do with as she wishes. Tell that useless lump of cells to pipe down.
"To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
This looks like a no win situation for the US: Europeans think that Bush is incompetent, while most of know that John Kerry actually is incompetent. I don't see a way out here.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
A country's got to know its limits. Start thinking about yours.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
We're aware that the rest of the world exists. Someone's got to wait on us when we go on vacation. As far a no "need for further elections", I refer you back to my point above.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
Actually, this wouldn't really bother me. Score one for Johnny.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
There are some in this country that think sucking on the ruling class teat is just fine and dandy, but most of us do not. We ain't dependent on nobody except us.
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Please look up torch in the dictionary. Look up flashlight. Compare and contrast.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
I've read quite a bit of English literature during my lifetime without difficulty. If returning that favor is too much of a struggle for you, then I worry for you as a nation. The effort of inhaling and exhaling an a regular basis could prove to be a challenge.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
Please see my previous response.
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
This is only true in Britain. Germans say "berg" and not "burra". We kicked their ass twice, which means we now officially own the pronuciation for burgh. We can call it whatever we damn well please. Just be glad that we haven't forced YOU to change.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Actually, I'm with him on this one. Too many people give me blank looks when I use words such as pejorative, obstreperous or serendipitous. My manager received feedback from someone who didn't like talking to me because they had to "use a dictionary to translate" what I had said. I was surprised that they owned a dictionary and could use it properly, so it all worked out.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
If it were permissible to flog someone that used the phrase "you know" more than once every five minutes, my workplace would be filled with a lot of sore backsides. Third score for Johnny; he's on a roll.
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
That's not true at all. My vocabulary is quite large, but I enjoy the expletive as much as the next person. It provides a visceral outlet for my emotions when speaking. So fuck off, you ponce.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
So we're back to this again. Yawn. Find something else to say. You're boring me.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
Already done. I struggle a little with identifying the South African accent, though.
English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
I don't say Queenslandshire or Devonshire; I suspect most other Americans don't either. Maybe you should get out more often.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
You haven't paying attention, have you?
Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
England will be required to cast Americans to play American characters. The role does not count if the actor is required to wear a cowboy hat.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
We have more of a taste for the politically incorrect than you guys do. Maybe you haven't noticed because the EU has had you grabbing your ankles for a while.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
Like the English, Americans sing "God Save The Queen" if for no other reason than the fact that we don't want Howdy Doody as King. You know about whom I speak.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football.
Soccer? Are you serious? I'd rather have my son become a figure skater. A pair of skates and a sequined blouse will be better accepted in my home than a soccer ball.
What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
Have you bothered to actually check the news the last 10-20 years? Hello, World League of Football(or whatever it's called).
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Playing with girls could be accomplished by simply joining the English team. Been a while since the last World Cup victory, huh?
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
I'll take seven NFL players, remove their uniforms, teach them the rules for rugby and then stand back and watch them disassemble the British teams, one by one. To make it fair, though, we'll allow you to field ALL of the British teams at the same time against our boys. The game might last a little bit longer that way.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Do us the favor of giving up cricket and we'll consider giving up baseball.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
It's really not nice that you keep calling your athletes girls. Oh, and rounders=cricket. Right?
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.
That's worked out so well for the British citizenry. No wait, it's worked out well for the criminals. After all, we wouldn't want us everyday folks to be a threat to burglars or anything, would we?
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
You keep the peelers; I've got a large golf umbrella. We'll see who wins that faceoff.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
Actually, it should be called Decisive Day, because the folks in this country actually decided who should be their leader. The list of candidates did not include a group of people from a family tree with no branches. Just an FYI.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good.
A lot of them do suck. I once owned a Ford Pinto. Ugh. We also have the Hummer, though, which pretty much outweighs the other suck vehicles.
When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Oh, you mean the overpriced, small penis BMW's? Well, I guess if I wanted to receive hand jobs from women who've lived their entire lives while on the English dental plan, then that's where I'd start.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
I love roundabouts. They are slowly appearing around this state. Not soon enough to my way of thinking, either.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
Hey, why don't you send over some test drivers to demostrate this method of driving to us? We have lots of busy interstates for you to practice on.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
Psst!. Wanna know how to make an Englishman happy in his old age? Tell him a joke when he's young.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Au contraire, Belgium makes some simply fabulous beers.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
You're a remarkably healthy lot, aren't you?
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
Warm and flat. Piss, anyone?
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
Actually, I'm proud of Massachusetts. They nominated someone who had zero chance of winning the election. Of course, I also blame them for Ted Kennedy, so I guess it's a wash.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager."
Tsk, tsk. I don't think you can afford to piss off your EU friends by calling their ales "lagers". Think of it as a helpful hint. Oh, and how about you call British Bitter, well, bitter? Inquiring minds want to know.
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine."
Can't argue. Budweiser uses a large horse for its filtration system.
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
Technically, it's called Budvar, I believe. Maybe you snotty English types can't resist Anglicizing everything, but I can.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).
Hmm. We actually refine our gasoline here and we pump a bunch from domestic wells. I think we can work out our own market prices, thank you very much. Go talk to cup of Kofi about adding a $4.00 tax to US gasoline; see how far it gets over here. We'll be waiting.
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
The litigious nature of people in this society drives me batty. And I'm not too keen that "grief counselor" has become such a popular career choice.
With regards to your gun comment, it's a sad commentary on the Uk that the only real grown ups are the criminals. Not surprising, but sad nonetheless.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Since many of citizens are armed, unlike you namby-pamby law-abiding British folks, your baton wielding bobbies will find it quite impossible to collect those taxes. However, feel free to try; we enjoy target practice.
Thank you for your co-operation.
-John Cleese "
Thank you for surrendering 200+ years ago to a ragtag, ill-equipped band of nobodies back when the British Empire was still the bully on the block. It continues to lift our spirits to this day.
January 25, 2005
Do these pants make me look fat?
Jay Pinkerton tries his hand at reinventing Batman. Excerpt:
A lot more like this can be found here at Engrish.com
EXT. SNOW-COVERED LAND
NICOLAS CAGE and his TEAM OF KICKASS HISTORIANS search for
a ship buried in the snow.
When we find this ship, we'll have
yet another clue to lead us to the
enormous treasure our founding
fathers hid so that no man would
ever get it. I can't wait 'till I
According to my completely random
calculations that can be approximate
at best, the ship should be right
NICOLAS starts digging. After burrowing under about two
inches of snow, he finds something. It's the ship!
INT. FROZEN SHIP
NICOLAS and his CREW go deeper into the ship, and
eventually come to a door that looks frozen solid, which
they open effortlessly. Once inside, they uncover a single
(reading the clue)
"The treasure is a witness."
Hmm. Witness, witness... You need a
witness at a trial. Trial...to make
a case, the prosecution will use
evident! We hold these truths to be
self-evident! The Declaration! The
map to the treasure is on the back
of the Declaration of Independence!
Not so fast, Cage. I'll take this
knowledge and get the treasure
myself! To make matters worse, I
have little to no respect for the
history behind the treasure, and I
think America is stupid! Har har
NICOLAS pulls out a flare and lights it. Sparks land on the
floor, which is literally covered completely in gunpowder.
You kill me, and I drop this. I'd
rather kill us all than allow you to
take the National Treasure, because
America is totally awesome!
Bah! If you drop that, it'll only
light the ground on fire, as if the
gunpowder wasn't so much explosive
as mildly flammable.
What? That's insane, it's
He shoots the gunpowder, which bursts into small,
survivable flames like it was gasoline.
What the hell?
Wait a minute.. Fire.. Gunpowder..
Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer... Oh
NICOLAS and ANNOYING COMIC RELIEF JUSTIN BARTHA escape,
right before a GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
NATIONAL HISTORY IS THE
MOTHERFUCKING SHIT! YEAH!
Why yes, I was still unmarried at the age of 30. Why do you ask?
Some people have too much time on their hands
Those little USB memory sticks aren't just useful. Now, they're decorative as well. Sort of.
January 24, 2005
#4-- John Wayne. He embodied The United States in its purest form--tough, courageous, two-fisted and taking no shit. He was a role model for me. And I still like to watch his movies today.
Ever watch True Grit? Towards the end, John Wayne puts the reins in his mouth and charges the enemy, with guns blazing in both hands. Now THAT is the kind of guy that I want on my side in a fight. Sadly, too many men these days have been swallowing their wimpy pills by the truckload. I'm a firm believer in constructive dialogue, but sometimes you have to go after the enemy, balls to the wall.
I've been picking up John Wayne movies from the bargain DVD bins lately. Personally, I'd pay full price for most of them, but if some halfwits think so little of the Duke that they put 3 of his movies onto a $3.00 DVD, who am I to argue?
January 21, 2005
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