November 30, 2004


I pretty much dropped the ball on any and all Alliance assignments during the election season. However, now I can go back to what I do best: humor. See? You're laughing already. Anyway, here is the lastest PGH: What exaggerations, distortions or outright lies will the Legacy Media promulgate as fact in the closing days of 2004?

So many lies choices, so little time. Anyway, here we go:

1) Helen Thomas will be seen wearing a bikini. Katie Couric and Matt Lauer will do a week long, in depth study of how this is indicative of global warming.

2) One of the Bush twins will become engaged to a ::gasp:: man over the Christmas holiday. Dan Rather will open the CBS evening news with a special on homophobia running rampant through the Bush household.

3) Bin Laden will be captured; citizens in Afghanistan and Iraq finally rebel against the terrorists in their respective countries and install democracies; the House of Saud gives women the right to vote; and the Palestinians voluntarily disarm themselves as a sign of good faith to their friends in Israel. Peter Jennings, in search of his high school diploma, opens the evening news by declaring the Bush doctrine a failure because none of the aforementioned has countries have created a version of Social Security yet.

4) Michael Moore makes another documentary before January 1 that proves that President Bush was responsible for the attack on Pearl Harbor, the assassination of President Lincoln and the execution of Christ. Hollywood immedidately waves their own rules and awards the film best Picture, Best Documentary and Best Film That Equates Bush to Hitler.

5) Tom Brokaw will examine evidence of voter fraud in Texas, which could change the outcome of the presidential vote. Brokaw will neglect to mention that this would change the margin of victory from 40% to 39.9999999999%.

6) A freak 50" snowfall will hit Los Angeles. The NY Times will run a 10 part series on this new evidence of global warming. Unfortunately, no one is able to read the articles after a newly formed glacier crushes Manhattan.

7) provides incontrovertable proof that Mondale really won the 1984 election.

60 Minutes will show that Bush killed the Wicked Witch of the East by dropping a house on her to illustrate the Bush administration's horrid residential zoning laws.

9) The water used to melt the Wicked Witch of the West will provide more evidence of Bush's failed environmental policies.

Time to stop. If my examples become any more deranged, I might have people like Kos linking to me.

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Books that I've read twice

I'll take the bait from Hugh. What follows is probably an incomplete list, but it may give you some insight into how my mind works. Be afraid; very afraid.

The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy have both ranked high on my re-read list since I first muddled through them at the age of 8. I never go more than 3-4 years without reading them both. I believe that I've read about Bilbo's adventure 15 times and about the One Ring 13 times. I've read The Silmarillion much less often, say around 5 times.

Stephen Donaldson makes my list with the original Thomas Covenant trilogy, which I've read about 8 times over the last 25 years. I'll be wading through the Second Chronicles for the 2nd time so that I'll be prepared for the third trilogy.

I enjoyed The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy immensely. Great humor combined with science fiction makes an unbeatable combination. Just a guess, but I've probably read that novel 5 times.

Starship Troopers also makes the list. One of Heinlein's best efforts. It's a pity that the movie was so wretched. Oh well.

On to Stephen King. Salem's Lot has passed before my eyes three times, while I've waded through The Stand twice.

The Narnia and Perelandra series by C.S. Lewis also make the list. I've read each of them at least 3 times.

Ive read Catch 22 twice. So far.

Hmm. I'm certain that I've forgotten a couple of books, but the list above comprises a majority of books that I've read multiple times. Funny how fantasy and science fiction make the list so often.

Update: I just remembered one more: Mila 18, a classic by Leon Uris.

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"I lost on Jeopardy..."

I was there
to match my intellect
on national TV.
Against a plumber
oh and an architect,
both with a PhD.

The end is near. Looks like the rumors we heard in September could come true tonight.

After amassing the largest pot of winnings in TV game show history -- more than $2.5 million -- in a "Jeopardy!" winning streak that began way back on June 2, Jennings is brought down tonight after he flubs two Double Jeopardy responses and then blows the Final Jeopardy round, according to a report circulating yesterday.

Bummer. I'll miss him. And I will be watching tonight.

Update: Yep, Ken Jennings finally lost. He lost big on the Daily Double and then flubbed Final Jeopardy. Having watched the entire episode, I feel safe in stating that his successor will not enjoy as long a stay at the top. Just an FYI.

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All Ace, all the time

I really enjoyed Ace's blog this past election season. He displayed the ability to combine Dungeons and Dragons with biting political humor. No mean trick, that. Anyway, what you might not have noticed is that he's a pretty fair writer. This column is a case in point. Excerpt:

Many liberals take genuine offense at the expression of an anti-liberal political notion. It's not just a political disagreement; to them, it's an attack on them as a person. As the liberal has so much of his sense of personal worth invested in his identity as a liberal, disagreements over policy are actually attacks on the core of his feeling of self-worth.

Not only does this make honest and logical argumentation difficult, but it also has the unavoidable effect of making liberals think that anyone who disagrees with them is a bad person. There's no getting around that implication: If liberal thoughts make one good, then it must be the case that un-liberal thoughts make one bad.

And that's why liberals honestly, genuinely believe that people who disagree with them are just plain bad. Not misguided. Not merely wrong. Not beginning with a different set of unproveable first assumptions which, inevitably, lead to wildly different conclusions. No-- if you disagree, you're a bad person. You're certainly unenlightened, probably stupid, and maybe racist and fascist to boot.

Liberals really have to learn to check that impulse. It's difficult to persuade those who disagree with you when your pitch is made from the standpoint of condescension and barely-disguised contempt. And the fact that so many liberal shibboleths are deemed sacred and simply not open to debate -- after all, if those bromides are questioned, wouldn't that be a confession that perhaps liberals aren't quite so superior as they think? -- make them inflexible and unreasonable even in the face of evidence and declining political appeal.

I've made the case several times on this blog that I remember the way the Democrat party used to be. Memo to Democrats: please pull your party back from the abyss. You made a good start by NOT nominating Howard Dean as your presidential candidate. Keep it up by finding some common ground with your political opponents. Remember that they are only your opponents; the people who want to blow us up are our enemies.

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Reality takes a U-turn


Ace mentions that Michael Moore actually made some sense on the Tonight Show. Money quote:

He said that the Republicans "told a good story" -- that since 9-11, we had not been attacked -- and admitted that was a "powerful" story. His body language of course indicated he thought that story was pure bunkum, of course. And he said the Democrats had no "story" of their own.

The most interesting remark, however, came after Jay asked "Why do you think Bush won?" Moore answered, "I think he got more votes."

I wonder if he just lost his Hollywood leftist street cred? Of course, not being invited to parties that Al Franken attends might be considered a good thing.

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Now I can die happy

Aaron graciously created my own Blogopoly game piece. Behold:


Cool. Thanks dude.

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November 29, 2004

Updating the blogroll

So Bill moved to this site. Or is it this one? Eesh. It's too much like work. However, he makes life a little sweeter with this picture(click on image for larger size):


Yes, I think her politics are nutty. I still think she's hot.

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He's just big-boned

Parents need to get a firmer grip on reality. You'd think that buying tall and fat adult sizes for a 5th grader would faze them, but you'd be wrong.

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"the way you drink...

says a lot about you." Here's the article and here's the excerpt:

Now there's a study that tells us we should be looking AT the glass, most specifically how folks hold their pints. That could reveal many secrets. Last week several newspapers in the United Kingdom reported on research by Dr. Aric Sigman, a psychologist and biologist who indentified six basic drinking poses.
The six categories of drinking demeanor found in male drinkers aged 18 to 40:

Pose 1: Libidinous or sex-mad. Exemplified in the "firm erect grip" round the middle of the glass, coupled with an arched back, stretching pectoral muscles and a swaying pelvis, generally making grand gestures with the non pint-holding hand. Example: singer Robbie Williams.

Pose 2: Self-righteous. Glass held aloft, as if toasting a crowd of adoring acolytes (or himself), the spare hand rests limply on the hip. Example: Tony Blair.

Read the rest.

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Developing "scandal"

Czechs were offered two beers if they donated blood. I don't see the problem. Every time I give, I'm instructed to drink more fluids. Anyway, since the article is likely to roll off of the front page soon, I'm including the whole thing here:

Czechs Offered 'Beer for Blood'
Czechs were offered two beers in return for their blood in an effort to recruit blood and bone marrow donors. Anyone donating blood as part of the "beer for blood" campaign in Prague in October received two half-liter glasses of beer in return.

"The objective is to recruit new regular blood donors and also bone tissue donors," the initiative's organizer, Jaroslav Novak, editor of a Czech beer magazine, told AFP.

The campaign was held as part of a fair dedicated to St. Wenceslas at the Vystaviste exhibition ground in the north of the city. It will travel to other parts of the country.

The Czechs are the world's largest per-capita consumers of beer, knocking back 42.7 gallons per person last year. Sounds like they have the right group for the project.

42.7 gallons per year, or 5465.6 fluid ounces per year, which comes to roughly 15 ounces per person per day. They must be the slimmest people on the planet because they're doing the "Beer-Me" Diet plan all year 'round. You aren't familiar with that particular diet? Look no further than below...
The "Beer-Me" Diet

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

  • Fact: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
  • Fact: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
  • Fact: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
  • Fact: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
  • Fact: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
  • Fact: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
  • Fact: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
  • Fact: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

Caution: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

  • Monday through Thursday: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
  • Friday: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
  • Saturday: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from the 7 Eleven). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.
  • Saturday (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog t 364 hat bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
  • Sunday (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
  • Monday: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.

Update: Uh, make that 15 ounces per day, not 15 beers. I is edumecated. Thanks to a commenter who didn't attempt math on no sleep. I've updated the post above. Thanks for the heads up.

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Spam websites facing potential denial of service

Mheh. You simply install a screen saver that requests data from websites mentioned in Spam. Since the sites derive no income from this request, the servers just spin their collective wheels. Yippe-kay-yay, motherf***er.

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Friends of Iraq Blogger Challenge

Spirit of America is at it again with another blogger challenge designed to gin up donations. Michele has decided against forming a team again(too bad- the Victory Coalition was a great team, other teams notwithstanding). However, she has formed a one woman team, in who's name you can contribute. Michele did such a bang-up job last time that I'm linking to the site where you can donate in the name of A Small Victory. My gutter image will be updated soon.


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A blogger changing her stripes

It looks like some freaky-deak Michael Moore fans have threatened bodily harm against Rachel Lucas. Consequently, she will be starting a new blog using a pseudonym. As regrettable-and ridiculous- as that seems, I agree with her position and wish her well. However, I will be on the lookout for her new blog. Here's her hint:

I'll ask a few of my blogging friends, whose blogs most of you probably read, to toss up a link to my new blog when it's ready, without mentioning my name. Most of you will probably figure it out. But new readers won't, and that's the idea. More on all this later. I'm kinda stressed out today. I feel bad about not writing people back and I am tortured by it, believe it or not.

Good luck, Rachel. I'll follow the breadcrumbs to your new home, wherever that might be.

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"We are the knights who say, "Nee!"

And the search continues. Cool. No word on how the experiments on the velocity of African and European swallows is progressing.

Tip o' the blog to Kelley.

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I'm not ashamed

Okay, I also watch Desperate Housewives. However, I can tell that I'm a little older than Jay. Excerpts:

1) Teri Hatcher. She's one of the best comic actresses around, both in timing and physicality. Put her on the screen and you're guaranteed laughs.
Further, she's a screaming hottie about whom I've harbored impure thoughts about since I first saw her in "Lois And Clark." She is, quite simply, one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.

First saw her on Lois and Clark? Bah. I'm surrounded by children. I remember her playing Penny Parker on MacGyver. Her appearance in an early episode of Tales From The Crypt was memorable more for her wearing a nice lacy bra than anything else. She was, and still is, drop dead gorgeous. I have one other quibble with Jay's commentary:

But Teri, please, take it from someone who's loved you for years. Keep the clothes on. I saw you in "Heaven's Prisoners," and -- how can I say this kindly? -- gravity has not been kind to you. Keep wearing the hot clothes.

He needs to rent Cool Surface and check out Teri pre-sag. ::drool:: Besides, I don't know what he expects from a curvy woman when she makes it to 40. Some things are bound to be a little less firm. I prefer to think of it as well-aged, like a really good wine.

2) Felicity Huffman. Of course he mentions Sports Night, but he neglects two earlier notable TV appearances: Golden Years, which was my first introduction to Ms. Huffman, and a 1st season appearance on the X Files in the episode "Ice".

3) Marcia Cross. I was first introduced to this shapely redhead on Melrose Place( and no, I'm not ashamed about that one either) back in 1992. I've had a... thing... for her since then.

All these children in the blogiverse make me feel old. Okay, that and the fact that I AM old.

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Helping out our troops

Vox's column at WND displays a request from an Army Major in Kuwait. Excerpt:

Greetings from Kuwait. Been over here in the desert with the Army for about 10 months and trying to keep up my sense of humor. Enjoy your Monday commentary on WorldNetDaily. A little intellectual stimulation goes a long way over here ... I would love it if you would consider this unusual request:

Everyone has their favorite movie. You know, that special movie you can watch over and over again by yourself or with someone special. I'd like for you to send us your favorite movie on DVD.

But there's a catch. With each movie sent, I want you to attach a note telling us what makes it your favorite movie (i.e., how it touched you, special memories, favorite scenes, why you relate to it, etc). I'm not asking for a lengthy review, just a small note with your personal thoughts.

Write your thoughts on a 3x5 card or sticky note and insert it inside of the DVD case. Please include your e-mail and/or mailing address. I know plenty of soldiers and sailors here who would love to watch them ... I'm eager to know what you consider to be your favorite movie.

Here's the important part, though:

If you wish to respond to the major's request, send DVD's to:

APO, AE 09305

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Making some headway

A woman, paralyzed for 20 years, walks again after being treated with stem cells. No ethical dilemmas here. Excerpt:

A South Korean woman paralyzed for 20 years is walking again after scientists say they repaired her damaged spine using stem cells derived from umbilical cord blood.

Hwang Mi-Soon, 37, had been bedridden since damaging her back in an accident two decades ago.

Last week her eyes glistened with tears as she walked again with the help of a walking frame at a press conference where South Korea researchers went public for the first time with the results of their stem-cell therapy.

They said it was the world's first published case in which a patient with spinal cord injuries had been successfully treated with stem cells from umbilical cord blood.

Though they cautioned that more research was needed and verification from international experts was required, the South Korean researchers said Hwang's case could signal a leap forward in the treatment of spinal cord injuries.

The use of stem cells from cord blood could also point to a way to side-step the ethical dispute over the controversial use of embryos in embryonic stem-cell research.

Update: Predictably, the "all death, all the time- except for Death Row inmates" crowd is pretending that this is a great victory in the march to as much embryionic stem cell research as the government can pay for. Professor Bainbridge has the scoop.

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November 28, 2004

You just knew that this was coming

Jeff links to a story that will probably irritate most people that don't have their heads firmly embedded in their asses. Excerpt:

A California teacher has been barred by his school from giving students documents from American history that refer to God -- including the Declaration of Independence.
Among the materials she has rejected, according to Williams, are excerpts from the Declaration of Independence, George Washington's journal, John Adams' diary, Samuel Adams' "The Rights of the Colonists" and William Penn's "The Frame of Government of Pennsylvania."


Neal Boortz has more, including the name and address of the school principal. Have at it:

Stevens Creek Elementary School
10300 Ainsworth Drive
Cupertino, California 95014

Principal: Patricia Vidmar
(40 245-3312

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Yummy goodness

Carnival of the Recipes #15 is up and simmering over at Random Thoughts. Go over there and check it out.

I can't believe I forgot to submit a recipe. Again. However, I have managed to eat a buttload this holiday, so that makes up for it. Right? ::burrrrrpp::

Excuse me.

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November 24, 2004


Found in the estimable Best of the Web:

Reuters quotes Ron Artest, the Indiana Pacers forward who's been suspended from basketball for fighting with fans in Detroit, as telling People magazine: "I'm trying to be positive. I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize."

Well, Ron, we admire you for setting your sights high. But if you want a Nobel Peace Prize, throwing a few punches is woefully inadequate. You're at least going to have to start blowing people up or something.

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