October 29, 2009

You'll pry my hot shower from my cold dead hands

The subject line above fully encapsulates my thoughts on this piece of idiocy linked by the Puppy Blender:


So to stop the Earth from burning up in a CO2 induced conflagration, I should

  • Unbirth my children
  • Eat my pets
  • Stop taking hot showers
  • Stop eating meat
  • Replace my sub-compact with an even smaller piece of crap that costs more than twice as much as my current vehicle and is likely to need replacement before it passes the 100k mileage mark.

Is that about right? If I do all these things, Gaia will love me and showers blessings on me and mine?

Let's get one thing clear: Gaia is worth whatever I can extract from her wrinkled, rocky hide, and not one thing more.

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October 21, 2009

I'm a criminal

A guy in my state is up making coffee in his own kitchen at 5:30 a.m. in the buff, but hey, it's his house. Anyway, a woman and her daughter were traipsing across his lawn at that time [ed. note: WTF?] and saw him sans clothes in his own house. So the cops are called. Do they arrest the trespassers/peeping Thomasinas? No, of course not. They arrested the guy for being naked in his house. In their words, "He wanted to be seen."

So it's possible that this guy will get convicted, pay a $2000 fine and spend up to a year in jail. He might even have to register as a sex offender. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this picture?

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Matt Damon, Rhodes Scholar

You know, I actually like Matt Damon's work, especially his work in Team America: World Police. That said, his brain is apparently not functional or he has no internal irony meter.

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March 11, 2009

Weapons grade stupid

I've been a long time reader of Batshit Crazy Balloon Juice. His turn left never bothered me. My lefty friends and family members are still my friends and family members. In the grand scheme of things, politics isn't life. Sure, politicians might-probably will, in fact- shit in a bowl and tell you it's yummy Frosted Flakes, but disagreement and arguing about politics can be fun.

However. Cole has ceased to be a person with a functioning brain, or any sense of consistency. If a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, Mr. Cole has the most colossal brain of all time. Whereas Cole used to think things through, bashing Republicans and Democrats alike, he's now become more predictable than a DU commenter, less sane that your average Indymedia pundit and more idioticly rancerous than Howard Dean on horse steroids. In short, he's become a clown, and a bad one at that. All that's missing are the rubber nose and the big red shoes. Here are Cole's Rules for Posting:

1) Republicans suck!

2) Obama is so dreamy.

3) Everything bad that happens is the fault of the Repulicans.

4) Anything good, like finding out that belly lint tastes like licorice, is always, always because the Democrats fart cinnamon flavored rainbows.

5) All criticism of GOPers is sane and well deserved

6) Any criticism of Democrats is always beyond the pale, even if said Democrat was caught buggering a nun while robbing an orphanage.

7) And by the way, Republicans suck.


Crikey, even the Huffington Joke and DU occasionally visit the realm of sanity. Apparently, though, sanity is just another racist code word for RethugliKKKans.

Any readers of this blog-thanks to both of you- would have noticed that I'm not a Republican, but rather a libertarian leaning conservative.

"Racist! Hater! KKK!...."

Shut up, John. Go back and suck your thumb.

Anyway. I've been probably more critical of the GOP than most Democrats. However, despite my ocassional fits of pique, I'm almost never mistaken for a rabid Rottweiller hopped up on smack and gunpowder. This, of course, prevents me from finding much common ground with Mr. Cole these days.

I'll paraphrase what someone, I think it was Spoons, once said while referring to Sullivan: "I don't care that Cole has become a Democrat. I care that he's become a dick."

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February 17, 2009

The willing slave

I just read the article found here and, while I disagree completely with the author, I found it worth a few minutes of my time. However, I made the mistake of reading the comments thread. I swear that I've never met such a group of people who seem to believe that the only reason for their continued existence is to provide more and more tax dollars to our government. The idea that people own themselves appears to be as puzzling to them as quantum mechanics is to my cat. To be fair to my cat, I can't tell if she's confused or merely bored at my pedestrian explanation.

Psst! The government is the servant and the people are the masters. Pass it on.

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October 14, 2008

You know what else would be bad?

Not being able to feed my children because gasoline is too fucking expensive.

I know that there are a large number of people who are not only okay with high gas prices, they wish that prices would spike up around $10 a gallon. To those people I offer the following helpful advice: please go fuck yourself before sticking your head in the over. Seriously. High fuel costs equals higher food costs, higher heating/cooling costs, higher clothing costs, higher pretty much everything unless you're a complete dunderhead. You might be okay with paying a buttload for everything, but I, not being rich, am most decidedly not.

You think that pain drives research into new technologies? That makes you stupid. Sure, it provides a little impetus, but if people are worried about heating/cooling their homes and feeding their families, they aren't going to spend a lot of time and money on vaporware. That includes businesses. Higher energy costs mean higher costs of doing business which means, usually, that some divisions/departments get cut. Having worked in R&D before, I can tell you that research divisions are not the most directly profitable sections of a company. Until or unless something pays off, they are usually a drain on resources.

For the record, I would love for some new energy technology to be created. However, it has to be (a) proven, (b) scalable (you keep ignoring that, don't you?), (c) affordable and (d) available 24x7 because things need to run when it's dark outside. If the technology doesn't meet those criteria, then it's worthless.

One other thing: you people who tout electric cars have really got to figure out where all that electricity is going to come from to charge the batteries, because I really want to know. Maybe from the unicorns that Obama will give us all, but I'm not really counting on that. Besides, unicorns taste like chicken.

Link via the Instamonster.

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June 11, 2008

Bad taste

You want to enlarge/shrink your own body parts? Fine. Want to wear something that makes you look like someone who lost a bet? Great. But this? This is screwed up. I'll give you one example below the fold:


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June 05, 2008

Open your eyes

Imagine this discussion:

"Gee, I really miss that lighthouse."

::driving down the road with a friend::

"Hey, look at the lighthouse. It looks exactly like the one that was torn down. "

"Yeah, that's interesting. Anyway, as I was saying, I really miss that old lighthouse..."

Okay, I realize that Cape Cod and California are on different coasts, but I'm still trying to figure out how this could have happened.

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April 03, 2008

Speaking of nuts

I linked to a woman who is clearly delusional and in need of serious medication yesterday. Today, I once again took the plunge and clicked on the blogroll link to Batshit CrazyBalloon Juice.

I know what you're thinking: why don't I visit more rational leftist sites like the Daily Kos or the DU? Well, to be fair, while those places are absolutely teeming with idiots, morons and assorted brain donors, they still fall far short of the over the top, sanctimonious, pretzel-twisting non-logic routinely employed by Mr. Cole. Also, it's kind of fun to watch his continued descent into the cesspool. Who knows? He might fall in headfirst and open his mouth to yell for help.

Anyway, the most recent funny typed by John Cole was, I'm sure, completely unintentional. He twice linked to Glenn Greenwald (or a Sock Puppet book) and use the appellation Glennzilla.

Yeah, I know. I'll give you a few minutes to compose yourself. The thought that any rational or honest person would give Lampchop such undeserved props is a sign of, well, I guess it only matters that Gleen hates Bush. And really, if you're only motivating factor on whether or not to agree with someone depends purely on how he/she emote towards a politician, you're really not worth talking about. Sure, you'll be good for the occasional point-and-laugh moment, but you might as well stop pretending that you're actually some sort of honest arbiter of the truth.

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March 31, 2008

I bet she just couldn't say no

And by she, I mean a metal table in his backyard.

Just think of the money spent on tetanus shots.

Link via News of the Weird Daily.

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March 07, 2008

I is bloggging challenged

Recently, I opened up lots of tabs in Firefox of things I wanted to read and, potentially, comment on. A couple of those things were posts by Rachel Lucas. One of them really ticked me off and I typed a mini-rant about it. When I went to check later, I didn't see the comment. I figured that somehow I had pissed off Rachel enough to delete the comment. No problem, because it's her sandbox. I thought no more of it.

Then today, I decided to read the comments in a different post and-

You can already see where this is going, can't you?

-lo and behold, there was my comment in all of its profane glory, completely unrelated to the post under which it appears. It makes me look like I suffer from some severe sort of blogging Tourette's Syndrome. No one commented on the incongruity of the comment in relation to the post because, I suppose, no one wanted to make fun of someone so obviously borderline retarded.

Rachel, if you read this, the comment at 4:29 belongs in the post about Barack Obama's insane wife, not the one with the American Idol shemale.

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August 10, 2007

I'm at a loss for words...

At the abject level of stupidty on display here.

Maybe next he can get his groinal junk trimmed down so that his pants fit better. Moron.

Update: Turns out that I've been punk'd. In this particular instance, I'm actually glad that that turned out to be the case.

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August 09, 2007

An idea whose time should never have come

I will admit to, once in a while, chatting on my cell phone while driving. I don't like to, but sometimes I do it. Also, I have a rechargeable razor that I, once in a while, shave with on the highway while cruising in to work. However, there are things that maybe, just maybe, you should never do while driving:

1) Read a book. And I've actually seen some dimwits driving down the road with an open book sitting on their steering wheels.

2) Typing on your effing laptop. I mean seriously, WTF? But hey, you can now save $10 on your mobile suicide device so, you know, weed yourself out of the gene pool if you see the need. Just do it on a lonely stretch of road so as not to take anyone else with you.

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April 10, 2007

up yours

I've mentioned before just how much I loathe cigarettes. However, what I despise even more are the nanny-state busybodies trying to control every portion of people's lives, especially when it relates to a legal substance. Case in point:

Anti-smoking groups have been pushing the MPAA to give any movie that shows smoking an automatic R rating.

According to the research of a group called "Smoke Free Movies", most PG-13 movies depict smoking, and that contributes to hundreds of thousands of kids taking up cigarettes.

The MPAA's new boss, Dan Glickman, sent a letter addressing the MPAA's concerns about smoking in movies and said the MPAA was turning to the Harvard School of Public Health for guidance. "My objective is to gain consensus among the member companies of MPAA on Harvard's pending recommendations, and then begin implementation," he said.

Dan, please feel free to go fuck yourself anytime that you feel like. Hopefully, you're feeling that way right now.

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December 28, 2006

A little chlorine in the gene pool

The world is full complete, absolutely retarded, knuckle-dragging imbeciles. Excerpt:

Motorists who seem to turn off their brain when switching on their car's satellite navigation system have had a number of spectacular crashes in the past year -- but occasionally they're right to blame the machine.

Drivers obeying directions given by a sultry satnav voice have crashed into rivers, construction sites and roadside toilets in Germany, and had similar accidents in Britain.

"It's hard to understand how these things can happen," said Maximilian Maurer, spokesman for the German motoring club


"It's not as if people are driving in a tank with only a small slit to see out. You'd think they have their own eyes and brains engaged to make decisions and not rely on the satnav. I used to think satnavs were 'idiot-proof', but perhaps not."

In October a 53-year-old German, obeying his satnav's command "Turn right now!" jerked the wheel over and crashed into a roadside toilet hut 30 metres (yards) before the crossing he was meant to take, causing 2,000 euros ($2,600) damage.

A few weeks earlier, an 80-year-old motorist also followed his satnav instead of common sense and ignored a "closed for construction" sign on a Hamburg motorway. He hit a pile of sand at high speed but was not hurt.

Holy shit. George Carlin once quipped that "The average person is pretty fucking stupid, and half the people are dumber than that." I think that he understated a bit.

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May 16, 2006

DUI while mowing

Okay, it's mostly because the guy was a real dumbass. Check out the bold-faced text in the blockquote below:

An Ohio man is headed to court because he was arrested for driving his lawn mower while drunk.

The Vermilion man has been ticketed three times in six months for drunken driving, but this is the first time he was operating the mower.

An officer arrested Doni Bowles at 10 p.m. last Friday when he spotted him driving the lawn mower on a sidewalk. The officer said Bowles smelled of alcohol and his speech was slurred.

He arrested Bowles after giving him a field sobriety test, then Bowles registered a blood alcohol of .144 - almost twice the legal limit.

Bowles admitted had been drinking but said he thought driving his lawn mower 10 m.p.h. on the sidewalk was OK.

"I didn't know you could get a DUI on a bike or a lawnmower," Bowles said. "That's the difference. If I knew that, I would've walked."

Police say he drove the mower to a store about a mile from his home and was arrested on his way back.

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