August 31, 2005

Give

Your monoey, your time. It all counts.

Over at Wizbang, Paul gives us glimpse from the inside, and some good advice to boot:


If you do something to help the victims, ping this post... If there is a lot of people helping out, Kevin will set up a post with the links. (I just volunteered him

Think about it for a second from my chair... (I'm not whining but) I'm almost 40 years old.... Here is the sum total of all my worldly possessions: 4 pairs of shorts, 5 shirts, 2 pairs of shoes, 4 pairs of underwear, 1 pair of blue jeans, a box of family pictures, 2 flashlights, a piece of trench art my grandfather brought back from WWI and my father's hammer. (Hey, it means a lot to me!) That's it. Everything else is gone. And BTW, I'm unemployed.

I tell you that not to whine but to let you see the tree thru the forest. Multiply my situation by about a million. Stop and think about that... A million people homeless and unemployed.

If you're a blogger then (by near definition) you're a self proclaimed talented person. Prove it. They'll be plenty of time for punditry and pontification next month... In the mean time there is work to be done. Figure out how to help the victims.

Please (for the sake of all of us who actually understand the situation) please stop whining about the evacuation. It was a stunning success. Please stop saying that the levee at 17th street and Canal St. broke... There's no such place. (and no, FOXNews, even if there was such a place, I assure you, it would be on the south side of the lake and not the north side of the lake where you showed it on your map)

So here it is in a nutshell... Let's get some work done and play Monday morning quarterback sometime in early 2006. There's about million or so of us who would prefer it that way.

Glenn Reynolds and Michelle Malkin have a multitude of links to help the disaster victims. And Capital One is hosting another telethon this Friday, September 2, much like they did after 9/11 and the tsunami. If you're not sure where to send your money, they might be able to help.

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August 29, 2005

Another nanny state death

They're from the government and they're here to help you.

Yeah, sure they are.

An outstanding warrant for a f**king seatbelt violation? WTF?!

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Quotes you don't want to repeat

Brain Cramps 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings,
Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. 

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
 

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in
Texas. 

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
 

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President


"I love
California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle 

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca


"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
 

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
 

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain t ypes of people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
 

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP


"Traditionally, most of
Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery 

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 

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Baseball fan

The World's most avid baseball fan, a blond, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

She looked up, stepped out ofline and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.

After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Linda!"

Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her drink.

Finally she had her drink and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.

Furious, she stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs:

"My name isn't Linda!"|

Cross-posted at Madfish Willies.

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August 28, 2005

God be with you, New Orleans

You're going to need all the help you can get. Right now, Divine Intervention is about all that stands between you and the creation of Lake New Orleans.

I go away on vacation for a couple of days, heading to a place where I purposely wouldn't watch television. When I left, Katrina was a TD/ Cat-1 hurricane getting ready to irritate the tip of Florida. When I arrived back home, Katrina had become Camille on steroids, bearing down on the Big Easy. The #3 scenario of the worst disasters this country might face(SF earthquake and terrorist attack on NYC being the others) is about to become a reality. This is likely to be the worst natural disaster this country has ever faced.

Update: Katrina veered east near the last minute and New Orleans, while suffering significant destruction, will survive. This time. Maybe now is a good time to start working on some protective measures.

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August 25, 2005

Pumpkin Pie with Cheese Crust

Filling
-------------
2 c Milk
1 t Cinnamon
1/4 t Salt
2/3 c Brown sugar
1/2 t Ginger
2 ea Eggs, slightly beaten
1 1/2 c Cooked pumpkin, fresh or canned

Cheese Crust
--------------------
3/4 c Flour
3 T Shortening
1/2 t Salt
1 1/2 c Grated cheese
2 T Cold water

Directions
-----------------

Sift flour, measure, and sift with salt. Cut in shortening and cheese with 2 spatulas. Work water in lightly with spatula until little balls of dough just hang together in one large ball. Turn onto lightly floured board.

Roll in sheet 1/8 inch thick. Shape pastry to fit pie pan. Combine ingredients for filling. Mix thoroughly. Pour into pastry-lined pan. Bake in hot oven (425 F) about 25 minutes, or until an inserted knife comes out clean.

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August 24, 2005

Stress test

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph in the extended entry and if you find more than one or two differences, you may want to take a vacation.

more...

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Thank you for your patience

And as your reward, here's another rotten joke:


A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look," she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

**** Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife'
foundation, Dallas, Texas.

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August 22, 2005

Redneck hunting trip

redneck hunting trip.jpg


Now THAT'S a gun.

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August 19, 2005

This week's sign that the Apocalypse is upon us

Saw this post by Bill Quick and had to start some relaxation techniques to prevent an aneurysm.

I know, it's only 99.9999% of the lawyers out there that give the rest of them a bad name.

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Justice delayed

Can still be pretty damned funny, to me anyway. Looks like Justice Souter's home might still get plowed under. Excerpt:


Logan [the developer] will visit Weare, New Hampshire from August 20th to the 23rd. He will talk to local supporters who are planning to use ballot initiatives to seize the land at 34 Cilley Hill Road and clear away other local laws that may hinder the project. It appears that an initiative can be placed on the March 2006 Weare N.H. ballot with only 25 signatures and can win with between 1,020 and 2,777 votes. Whoever said this project "will never happen" might find themself sitting in the Just Deserts Cafe eating crow pie next to David Souter.

Freestar Media will hold an open meeting to discuss the Lost Liberty Hotel project on Monday August 22nd at the Radisson Hotel at 700 Elm Street, Manchester NH 03101. Mention "The Lost Liberty Hotel project" for $1 parking. The meeting will go from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm in salon D. Logan will discuss the purpose of the project and why it is an important step in the struggle against statism. Free copies of Ayn Rand's revolutionary capitalist manifesto ATLAS SHRUGGED will be provided to the first 25 people who attend.

Thanks to Claire Wolfe for the link.

Unrelated update: If you're not reading Backwoods Home Magazine, you're doing yourself a disservice. This article alone contains lots of useful information to help prepare you for the future. I've been reading Claire's Hardeyville columns since she was writing for WND and they're always entertaining and educational.

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Redneck jetski

Neal Boortz has a good thing going with his Redneck Scrapbook, but I think that he's missed a few good photos. Case in point:

redneck jetski.jpg

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Rope and local authorities

Some assembly required

Misha links to an update on the Kelo decision that raised my blood pressure to dangerous levels. It's not enough that New London can steal private property(with special thanks to SCOTUS). No, now the city is going to sue for back rent from the people. How? You might well ask. Turns out that the city didn't wait for a final court decision, but rather went ahead and condemned the houses, thereby taking fucking ownership and leaving the rightful owners with, well, dick.

Timeline recap:

1) City tries to buy houses;people won't sell and the city tries to claim it via eminent domain, although there isn't a lick of public usage in the taking.

2) Homeowners battle through the courts. Before a final decision is reached, the city steals the property from underneath them

3) Court rules in favor of New London, who now sues the former owners for back rent.

4) Satan prepares a new wing in Hell for the city owners and current SCOTUS members.

I'm waiting for the day when that wing fills up. It can't come soon enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Update: Received the following from a friend of mine.


Actual quote from one of the USSC justices:

"Not only are we going to take homes in New London, we're going to take property in South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico! We're going to screw ‘em over in California and Texas and New York! And we're going to extend our power in South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C. & take back the White House, YEEEAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"

Pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

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August 18, 2005

Public introspection

Jeff Goldstein put up a poll to determine whether or not he's too profane. Personally, I consider a day without a dick/fart joke to be a waste of time.

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Lost teaser

Flight information available here.

At the bottom of the screen click on "rows" in this order 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42 (Hurley's numbers) for a teaser trailer for season 2.

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French excellence

As this story aptly demonstrates, the French are still the best in the world at running away.

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Squidly humor

Received via email...
===============================================

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons . . both Admirals. "

---------------------------------------------------------------------

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

No sir, after I get out of the navy I am never going to stand in line again!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 've been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

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True friendship

1) When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2) When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3) When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4) When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5) When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6) When you are confused - I will use little words.

7) When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Remember: A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn.... that was fun!"

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What happens when you're at work

Icon Wars!

Maybe I should move those Diablo icons off of my desktop.

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August 16, 2005

My life in a nutshell

I believe that Ace captured the essence of my existence during my years as a physics major:


Geeks, Do Not Vex Me: Yes, c is the speed of light. I noted that so you don't have to. Now go back to making Venn diagrams with circles labled "Me" and "Possibilities of Getting Laid," and note that the areas contain no points of overlap.

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