November 30, 2004
lies choices, so little time. Anyway, here we go:
1) Helen Thomas will be seen wearing a bikini. Katie Couric and Matt Lauer will do a week long, in depth study of how this is indicative of global warming.
2) One of the Bush twins will become engaged to a ::gasp:: man over the Christmas holiday. Dan Rather will open the CBS evening news with a special on homophobia running rampant through the Bush household.
3) Bin Laden will be captured; citizens in Afghanistan and Iraq finally rebel against the terrorists in their respective countries and install democracies; the House of Saud gives women the right to vote; and the Palestinians voluntarily disarm themselves as a sign of good faith to their friends in Israel. Peter Jennings, in search of his high school diploma, opens the evening news by declaring the Bush doctrine a failure because none of the aforementioned has countries have created a version of Social Security yet.
4) Michael Moore makes another documentary before January 1 that proves that President Bush was responsible for the attack on Pearl Harbor, the assassination of President Lincoln and the execution of Christ. Hollywood immedidately waves their own rules and awards the film best Picture, Best Documentary and Best Film That Equates Bush to Hitler.
5) Tom Brokaw will examine evidence of voter fraud in Texas, which could change the outcome of the presidential vote. Brokaw will neglect to mention that this would change the margin of victory from 40% to 39.9999999999%.
6) A freak 50" snowfall will hit Los Angeles. The NY Times will run a 10 part series on this new evidence of global warming. Unfortunately, no one is able to read the articles after a newly formed glacier crushes Manhattan.
7) Moveon.org provides incontrovertable proof that Mondale really won the 1984 election.
60 Minutes will show that Bush killed the Wicked Witch of the East by dropping a house on her to illustrate the Bush administration's horrid residential zoning laws.
9) The water used to melt the Wicked Witch of the West will provide more evidence of Bush's failed environmental policies.
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