January 25, 2005

Movie scripts for people with short attention spans

An abridged script for National Treasure, courtesy of The Editing Room. Excerpt:


FADE IN:

EXT. SNOW-COVERED LAND

NICOLAS CAGE and his TEAM OF KICKASS HISTORIANS search for
a ship buried in the snow.

NICOLAS CAGE
When we find this ship, we'll have
yet another clue to lead us to the
enormous treasure our founding
fathers hid so that no man would
ever get it. I can't wait 'till I
get it!

JUSTIN BARTHA
According to my completely random
calculations that can be approximate
at best, the ship should be right
there.

NICOLAS starts digging. After burrowing under about two
inches of snow, he finds something. It's the ship!
Seriously!

INT. FROZEN SHIP

NICOLAS and his CREW go deeper into the ship, and
eventually come to a door that looks frozen solid, which
they open effortlessly. Once inside, they uncover a single
clue.

NICOLAS CAGE
(reading the clue)
"The treasure is a witness."
(pause)
Hmm. Witness, witness... You need a
witness at a trial. Trial...to make
a case, the prosecution will use
evidence...evidence...evident! Self
evident! We hold these truths to be
self-evident! The Declaration! The
map to the treasure is on the back
of the Declaration of Independence!
Let's go!

SEAN BEAN
Not so fast, Cage. I'll take this
knowledge and get the treasure
myself! To make matters worse, I
have little to no respect for the
history behind the treasure, and I
think America is stupid! Har har
har!

NICOLAS CAGE
Noooo!

NICOLAS pulls out a flare and lights it. Sparks land on the
floor, which is literally covered completely in gunpowder.
Nothing happens.

NICOLAS CAGE
You kill me, and I drop this. I'd
rather kill us all than allow you to
take the National Treasure, because
America is totally awesome!

SEAN BEAN
Bah! If you drop that, it'll only
light the ground on fire, as if the
gunpowder wasn't so much explosive
as mildly flammable.

NICOLAS CAGE
What? That's insane, it's
gunpowder.

SEAN BEAN
Yeah?

He shoots the gunpowder, which bursts into small,
survivable flames like it was gasoline.

NICOLAS CAGE
What the hell?

SEAN escapes.

NICOLAS CAGE
Wait a minute.. Fire.. Gunpowder..
Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer... Oh
shit!

NICOLAS and ANNOYING COMIC RELIEF JUSTIN BARTHA escape,
right before a GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
(headbanging)
NATIONAL HISTORY IS THE
MOTHERFUCKING SHIT! YEAH!


Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:55 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 400 words, total size 3 kb.

1 wow. it seems to me as if you have ABSOLUTLY NO respect and nothing better to do than to constantly put down and insult a movie YOU thought sucked. shouldnt you spend your time raveing on and on about a movie you actually LIKED? i mean come on it was at least entertaining and i personally LOVED the movie. now dont get me wrong i compeletly respect yours and everyone elses opinions but seriously, is it really worth your time to annoy and insult people who liked the movie? its not like the world was changed because of it or anything, you wont be forced to watch it ever agian. belive it or not there are actually people who liked the movie and you may think you are warning the ones who havent seen it, but really if they watched National Treasure and hated it, than thats just life.

Posted by: Lauren at April 29, 2005 11:32 PM (5vj8v)

2 For the record, there are plenty of decaffeinated brands that taste just as good as the real thing.

Posted by: physics geek at May 01, 2005 07:31 PM (agX6E)

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