June 24, 2008

It's official: Hollywood is out of ideas

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the movie theater, Hollywood proves you wrong. Again. I give you the following:

1) 30 Upcoming Movie Sequels You Didn't Know About. Excerpt:


We've spent days of our lives scouring the world for news of sequels that you may not have heard of. And here are 30 films in various states of production...

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder: Casper Van Diem is back, but it’s still going straight to DVD, as the piss-awful second film did. It’s due out later this year.

Pink Panther 2: Oh dear. And I’m a Steve Martin fan. It’s out on 13th February 2009.

Ace Ventura 3: No Jim Carrey though, and no chance of it seeing the inside of a cinema. Head to Blockbuster later in the year if you want to catch it.

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave: Another straight to DVD sequel, but this one’s of note because it’s directed by Soul Man/Hitcher star C Thomas Howell. Blimey.

Jurassic Park 4: It’s taken them ages to sort this out, but the latest is that Laura Dern is still attached, and that it’ll be released in 2009. Don’t hold your breath though, as shooting would need to start really very soon...

2) 28 Sequels Later: more films you didn't know were coming.


Lots more sequels to films are on the way - and we've uncovered new adventures for Rambo, Jumper, AvP and a whole lot more. Get ready to be happy. And depressed.
...

Cliffhanger 2: The Dam
With Rocky and Rambo revivals bringing home the bucks, the once-mooted Cliffhanger sequel has popped back onto the radar. No news if Renny Harlin would be interested in going back to the series, but here at Den Of Geek we reckon it’s a fair bet that Sly’s up for it. Will he ever consider a Demolition Man sequel, though?

It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World: The Sequel
Stanley Kramer apparently approved the idea to this before he died, although no cast or crew have been announced. Don’t expect it soon.

The Ring 3
Okay, that sound? It’s the dead horse, coming back to life, begging not to be flogged anymore. Hideo Nakata is attached to direct the third American film in the series, albeit with nobody you’ve heard of in the cast this time. Expect it next year.

3) 22 sequels and remakes you didn't know were coming.


The Da Vinci Code 2: Angels & Demons
Just who asked for this, exactly? Originally delayed by the writers’ strike, Dan Brown’s book will is being readied for a 2009 release, and both Ron Howard behind the camera and Tom Hanks in front of it are returning. It’s not like they need the money.

Sex & The City 2
It’s not out yet, and we don’t want to see it, but it seems that there’s a plan to bring further Sex & The City adventures to the big screen. This is not a thought that thrills us, particularly.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder
The one that returns Casper van Diem to the franchise, even though it’s still a straight to DVD affair. The film is in the can, and currently in the editing stages.

4) 38 Planned Movie Remakes You Didn't Know About .


Starfighter
A planned remake of the 1984 movie The Last Starfighter, which remains popular today. Nick Castle is currently attached to direct the project (he did the original as well, although his biggest hit as director is the 1993 kids’ movie Dennis). We fear this one may get lost in development hell. Hope not.

The Evil Dead
Sam Raimi is attached to the remake of one of his most loved films, with both he and Bruce Campbell on producing duties. Set for release at some point next year, they’ll have to get their skates on, as there’s no sign of cameras being turned on just yet.
[editor's note: Okay, this one I'll have to see.]

5) 23 TV shows heading to the big screen.


Magnum
Tom Selleck and his moustache are absent from the planned cast list of the big screen Magnum movie right now, with Matthew McConaughey in the running for the lead role. The script is written, and now it’s up to director Rawson Marshall Thunder (Dodgeball) to get it filmed for a planned 2009 release.
...
The A Team
The movie is still pressing ahead, with John ‘Shaft remake’ Singleton in the director’s chair. Latest casting rumours: Woody Harrelson as Murdock and Ice Cube as B.A. Take with pinches of salt. The film’s due in 2010.
...
ChiPs
Ready for a big screen bout of Chicago Highway Patrol? Warner Bros is developing the project for possible release next year; writers are attached to the film now, with Wilma Valderrama (from Party Monster and Fast Food Nation) reported to be interesting the casting team.

Since retreads, remakes, and unwanted/unneeded sequels are apparently what Hollywood wants, I'll offer up a few ideas of my own:


  • "Showgirls 2: Search for the Diseased Cooch"
  • "Thelma and Louise 2: Gravity Does Its Work" [low budget and a very, very short film]
  • "Brokeback Mountain 2: I Still Know What You Did With the Soap On a Rope"
  • "Carnosaur 3: Suckage On an Epic Scale "
  • "Godzilla 2: Size Does Matter. Also, a Plot"
  • "Tombstone 2: The O.K. Corral Falls Apart"
  • "Fantastic Four 3: Come See Jessia Alba's Tits" [ed.: Okay, that's the same as the first two FF movies, but you know what I mean.]

Now I'll just sit back and wait for that crazy movie money to roll in. Any. Minute. Now.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:29 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 921 words, total size 6 kb.

1 I may have missed it in there, but let us not forget War Games II -allegedly due out in July. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0865957/

Posted by: Martin Fulcrum at June 26, 2008 06:55 PM (SQOkF)

2 I tried to forget that one. I assume that the CGI will be higher quality, but the movie is likely to really, really suck.

Posted by: physics geek at June 26, 2008 08:42 PM (SXqoC)

3 Sad, sad, sad. Hollywood must be really bereft of ideas if they feel the need to retread movies that tanked in their original incarnations. And Startship Troopers 3? I didn't even know there was a 2! Guess that tells you just how well I keep up with Hollywood lately.

Posted by: diamond dave at June 27, 2008 02:44 PM (8WUD9)

4 With the relative success of "The Hulk," maybe you should suggest movies that sucked so bad the first time, they should be remade immediately. Why waste a good elevator pitch? "I Am Legend" could be remade as as "I, Legend." "The Golden Compass," "Eragon" and "A Series of Unfortunate Events" could all be remade to good effect. Why waste bestselling source material? "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Keep Zooey Deschanel. Just leave the jokes in this time. "The Happening." Keep Zooey Deschanel. Change everything else. Why waste Zooey Deschanel?

Posted by: Bob Hawkins at June 30, 2008 03:39 PM (eZ0vq)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Comments are disabled. Post is locked.
23kb generated in CPU 0.04, elapsed 0.1582 seconds.
91 queries taking 0.1385 seconds, 236 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.