May 18, 2005
Evil Empire vs. Evil Empire
I received the following via email and have not located the source. Anyone who finds the link, let me know. Thanks.
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Update: Found it over at ESPN. Nick Bakay is the creator. .
Evil Empire vs. Evil Empire | ||||||
Category | | "Star Wars" | | Yankees | | Advantage |
Potent quotables | | "Luke, I am your father." | | "Pedro, I am your daddy." | | Push – kids, no one wins with patricide. |
Organizational goals | | Utter domination and destruction of all those who stand in the way. | | Wait, isn't that what I just said? | | Push |
When the going gets tough, they: | | Reach for their laser | | Reach for the roster of the nearest small market team. | | "Star Wars," until that checkbook pays for someone under the age of 30. |
Title fights | | Maul/Kenobi | | Zim/Martinez | | "Star Wars," and dignity |
Biggest party animals in franchise history | | Jabba the Hutt | | Ruth, the Babe | | Push |
Home-field advantage | | The Death Star | | South Bronx – the other death star | | Yankees |
Who you meet in line for tickets: | | A 29-year-old virgin with a plastic light saber. | | A 29-year-old felon with a plastic beer bottle | | "Star Wars" |
You know a fan has sipped the Kool-Aid when: | | He thinks chicks dig a guy in a Darth Maul mask that smells of sweat and acne medication. | | He thinks George has mellowed. | | "Star Wars" |
You'll never lose ...: | | Your spot in line, thanks to your officially licensed "Revenge of the Sith" catheter. | | A free agent, as long as they keep raising the subscription rates for the YES Network. | | Let's just move on ... |
Uniforms | | White storm trooper unis fashioned from leftover Mazda 280Z panels. | | Classic pinstripes left over from the days when they were in first place. | | Yankees |
Tactics of victory | | Rely on the Dark Force to lure the unwilling with the promise of unlimited power. | | Rely on the checkbook to lure the unwilling with the promise of unlimited funds. | | Push |
Hired guns just there for the money | | Boba Fett, Jango Fett ... hell, any of the Fett's. | | Mike Stanton, Mike Mussina ... hell, all the Mikes. | | Push |
The price of disappointing your leader | | You might lose a hand | | You get to be one of 12 designated hitters | | Yankees |
Tall 'n hairy | | Chewbacca | | Randy Johnson | | "Star Wars" – when was the last time Chewie went on the DL? |
Short 'n scary | | Jawas | | George's temper | | Yankees |
Laments | | If only Jar Jar Binks had kept his mouth shut. | | If only Giambi had used "The Whizzinator" | | Push |
Elusive sources of power | | The Force | | The Juice | | Yankees. You can get 'roids at any high school gym |
Leader of the Dark Side | | The Emperor | | The Steinbrenner | | Yankees – who else can ooze power while wearing a simple white turtleneck? |
Every emperor needs a servant | | Darth Vader | | Brian Cashman | | "Star Wars" |
How the mighty have fallen | | Darth Vader is now the voice of "Verizon Wireless 411 connect" | | Kevin Brown – still angry, still surly and now awful. | | "Star Wars" |
The Resistance | | The rebel forces | | The Red Sox | | Red Sox – they had a better year. |
Fonts of wisdom | | Yoda | | Yogi | | Yankees |
Theme song | | "Don, don, don, don-da-don, don-da-don!" | | "New York, New York" | | Yankees. Don't think Sinatra ever closed a show singing "Don don don, you kookie don, doodle-di-don!" |
Posted by: Physics Geek at
08:23 PM
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Mazda 280Z???
More proof that media writers need to get a few clues before they hurt themselves.
Posted by: Mythilt at May 19, 2005 02:00 PM (i/gV3)
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