So, gentlemen, Valentine's Day is fast approaching. You're worried that your parents' basement doesn't have the certain special something for intimate 30 second relationship you long for. Face it, though: the odds of you getting lucky probably correlate positively to the amount of lubricant that you've applied to your palm(s). Fear not! Someone has decided to help you out and give you some pointers to increase your attractiveness to opposite sex. Left unsaid, of course, is that removing those Vulcan ears might be a good start. Anyway, here's an excerpt:

Innuendo.
If you've ever tried, "Say, let's fuck!" you'll know that it's not the winning strategy it appears to be. At first glance it seems to have all the elements of a great pick-up line: it tells the girl you're interested and suggests a fun romantic activity you can both enjoy. The problem? No innuendo.

Women hate direct statements. A popular line, "I'm on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?" has had a far better success rate. You're not saying exactly what you want to do, but there's just that chance that it involves your genitals. This drives women wild.

This helps get rid of any confusion. When using innuendo, be careful that you're not being too subtle, or you won't be flirting at all. You'll just be having a conversation, which is pointless. This is why after I've used innuendo and waggled my eyebrows, I usually like to add, "I'm talking about fucking."

Example:
John wants to do Debbie in the butt. Instead of saying this directly, he uses innuendo. "Do you take it in the butt?" he asks innocently. It could mean that John specifically wants it in Debbie's butt; or it could just be innocent curiosity. Debbie feels like a detective solving a mystery. This is what you want!

It's a thing of beauty. ::sniff::

Related update: Emily links to a collection of gift bears that likely double your chances of getting some on Hallmark Cards Valentine's Day. Simple mathematics will prove that twice zero is still, uh, I leave that as an exercise for the loser reader.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:57 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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