July 15, 2004
You're probably asking yourself, "Does this guy actually not want traffic?" Of course I do. If I posted and I was the only one ever reading my stuff, well, there's a word for that sort of thing: masturbation. So I post what I want, linking to odd news bits that I stumble onto, creating massive linky love posts when I have time to cruise around the blogiverse and posting horrid old jokes that were rotting and smelly when Rome fell. Mainly, I post what I like. Sometimes, other people like it, too. Hopefully over time, more people will read my stuff. I have enough of an ego that I want to attract readers, but enough humility to realize that my audience is destined to be limited. And I'm okay with that. The readers I have are appreciated greatly.
One final note: Harvey makes a good point about surfing via your blogroll. Do it. That is all.
July 14, 2004
Government Accidentally Begins 'War On Rugs'
Considered The Worst Typo of the Century
WASHINGTON: Blamed on 'a careless typo', the Bush
Administration is trying to find a way to explain the
$150 billion spent this year on efforts to fight the
'War on Rugs'.
The offending act, which was passed last February,
was brought into public spotlight after angry citizens
filed a class action suit against the United States
Government -- for seizing and destroying almost 800,000
Asa Hutchinson, director of the Drug Enforcement
Agency, whose agency the money was initially intended
to benefit, called this a 'travesty':
"We were seeing vast improvements throughout
2004, and were looking forward to a really
productive year in 2005. Unfortunately this
was all cut short by our funding being diverted
to this ridiculous Rug Enforcement Agency.
This is a travesty -- The war on drugs is not
President Bush held a press conference this
Monday in which he addressed the issue.
"I apologize to the American People, for
putting them through this time of hardship, and
for needlessly destroying so many rugs. I apologize
to the thousands of Persian nationals who were exported
or put in concentration camps. I apologize to Young
People, who were subjected to Rug Awareness Programs
about the dangers of Rug Abuse, and for the billions
of dollars spent on constructing Rug Rehabilitation
"Unfortunately it may take a few months for this
funding to be curtailed," he added. "The American
People will have to bear this burden and accept that
enforcement officers have rules to follow."
Jess Bravin, legal analyst for the Wall Street
Journal, called this a "load of bullhonkey".
Meanwhile, Amnesty International, an organization
of bleeding-heart idealistic rich kids who never saw
an hour of real work in their entire lives, has called
for an injunction in accordance with the Warsaw Pact
to stop 'the murder of innocent rugs'. Bravin's
comment on this is unpublishable.
July 13, 2004
Today is Wictory Wednesday. Every Wednesday I ask my readers to volunteer and/or donate to the Bush campaign if they haven't done so already. And if you have volunteered and donated, then get a friend to join you. It's the only way to defeat the lying liberal media.
If you're a blogger, you can join Wictory Wednesday simply by putting up a post like this every Wednesday, asking your readers to volunteer and/or donate to the president's re-election campaign. Be sure to visit these fine participating blogs:
was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he
finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there
He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside
me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again.
And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me,
encouraging me to go on trying.."
She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major
interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside
me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."
He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got
to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And
you were there beside me."
Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I
never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As
such, I remained in the same position from the day I join the company till
now...And you were there beside me."
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :"And now I
met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me....
....There's something I'd really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with
He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."
July 12, 2004
The Cat in the Hat Critique
The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which
the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of
some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the
Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel,
writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr.
Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two
young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned
by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their
single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol
dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to
succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other.
Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the
incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's probing
examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to
charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to
as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who
represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the
children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers
associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this,
the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his
umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ
figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most
notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer
of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children
experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our
heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus
completes the Oedipal triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a
large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's
concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious
mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego
which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral
attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says,
"Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the
children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to
re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these
creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically,
control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ
symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal
triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this
point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents
the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters'
lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's
concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood
gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and
serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his
writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible
to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it
in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that
the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.
Now for a mental palate cleanser: the 100 worst porn movie titles. Excerpt:
1) GROSS - these are disgusting titles that should turn you off completely :
1. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES - The title that started me on this list. "Virginia Slims" becomes "Vagina Slimes" ? That's disgusting ! You get the idea.
2. LET'S PLAY STAIN THE COUCH - And then invite all our friends over and watch them try to guess what that smell is !
3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA - Because nothing turns a guy on more than needle tracks and missing teeth ...
Read the rest if you're a degenerate like me.
Lakers consider replacement for Shaq.
President Clinton's portrait will be unveiled soon. The guys at Fark make some guesses as to what it will look like.
No surprises here, although no word yet on whether or not Ron will bother to mention that the biggest advances so far come from ADULT stem cell research. My guess is no.
A lesbian action figure doll from a toy series called DYKEdolls. And no, I'm not making this up.
In better doll news, an injured seagull now has a prosthetic Barbie leg.
So President Bush's opposition to gay marriage is creating a backlash that might hurt his presidency. Funny how the article doesn't mention that Kerry and Edwards oppose gay marriage as well.
This story has a happy ending. However, I want to beat the asshole who dropped a kitten into the ocean 3 miles off of the Tampa coast.
Update: John Cole links to the actual story and he expresses himself a little more forcefully:
I am generally against the death penalty, but in crueltyto animal cases, I think it is justified. How someone could dump this fellow in the ocean is beyond me. Scum.
Ancient spraypaint discovered?
Britney Spears, twenty years from now. I'm just saying, is all.
Embrace the Penguin. Now.
"...many experts agree that burning calories is a good way to maintain healthy weight." No shit. Come see our upcoming documentary entitled, "Water Is Wet, and other surprises".
I guess that the guy in this story doesn't even bat an eye when someone calls him a dickhead.
So Ronald McDonald became a vegetarian? Or is crack really, really cheap in Oslo, Norway?
July 09, 2004
"What do you mean all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "ouch! that hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "ow, even that hurts." she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a true believer in all the things that Michael Moore says?"
"Why, yes." she replied.
"I thought so," the doctor said, "you have a broken finger."
Will defusing a bomb necessarily diffuse the situation? Is it correct to pedal a bicycle or pedal ideas?
According to the editors of the new Concise Oxford Dictionary, up to half of us do not know the answers.
As part of compiling the 11th edition of the reference book, which is out today, researchers discovered an increasing confusion over simple words and phrases.
And now the joke:
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea every wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep
the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.
-Be sure to thank your spouse whenever they do something nice,
even if it's something as small as taking it up the ass.
-The best way to ensure a long-lasting marriage is to keep your
individual needs out of it.
-Treat your partner with respect. Don't hit him/her in front of
-A good relationship leaves room for outside interests. Be
supportive of your spouse's rough-sex-with-the-mailman hobby.
-Cranking out another child is a great way to bring you and your
spouse closer together.
-Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for
24 hours, 36 hours--however long it takes.
-Always speak to spouse in soothing, patronizing tones.
-Take out your marital problems on your young children.
-Communication is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your
spouse knows every last little thing you hate about him/her.
-Sit down with your spouse and work out a diet that will allow you
to get big and fat together.
-If your marriage is truly in jeopardy, stay in touch with your phone
psychic at all times.
-Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your family
for years at a time.
-In a two-job household, both careers need to be considered, even
if one is some silly little woman endeavor.
-One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital
dispute, but studies show that this is not always the case.
-If you sense that your marriage is growing stale, accept it and live
out the remainder of your days in unfulfilled misery and despair.
And to answer your question: yes, I might have some perverted desire for twins, but I would never let THAT influence my vote. So far as you know.
What You Need
1 tablespoon Sugar
1/2 cup Milk or half & half
1/4 teaspoon Vanilla
6 tablespoons Rock salt
1 pint-size Ziploc plastic bag
1 gallon-size Ziploc plastic bag
How To Make It
Fill the large bag half full of ice, and add the rock salt. Seal the bag.
Put milk, vanilla, and sugar into the small bag, and seal it.
Place the small bag inside the large one and seal again carefully.
Shake until mixture is ice cream, about 5 minutes.
Now everyone can toast Frank with homemade ice cream. You might consider adding nuts to the mixture for Frank because, well, it seems appropriate, if you catch my drift.
Call me whatever you want to call me. Racist. Off-base. Un-American. Doesn't change the fact that Democrats are sneaky, manipulative bastards that use and abuse black folks and other minorities in plain view of the nation. I hate Republicans. But I really, really hate Democrats.
The International Court of Justice will rule this afternoon that Israel's security fence, which is credited with keeping suicide bombers out, violates international law, and that it must be dismantled, according to an Israeli official who obtained advanced copies of the ruling.
Here's the response that I'd like to see from Israel:
"We reviewed the ruling from
this collection of asshats the members of this court and we respectfully disagree. Please see our enclosed response. You will notice in the photograph that we're all mooning you while simultaneously giving you the finger. Should you be inclined to try and force our compliance, be advised that our soldiers have been warned to shoot any blue-helmeted individuals on sight. Also, I would like to remind you that the half-life of U-235 is really, really long. It would be a shame if the Hague became unihabitable for the 10,000 years. Fuck off and die Respectfully yours,
The People of Israel
Update: It appears that the
"...we're all mooning you and farting in your general direction while simultaneously giving you the finger."
"...we're all mooning you and farting in your general direction while simultaneously giving you the finger."
July 08, 2004
July is American Beer Month, a time when every American should celebrate the season by exploring the wonderful flavors of American Beer. No matter what kind of beer you like, theres one thats perfect for your tastes thats made in America.
So go celebrate already. And for you religious types(I include myself here), some churches in northern Illinois will be "mixing Bibles and beer in the coming weeks." Hallelujah.
"Doctor, my leg hurts."
"No, not there. Just below the knee."
"Thanks. I feel so much better."
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