July 15, 2004

Crawling up the blogolutionary ladder

Harvey posted a pretty article detailing how a lowly blogger like him such as myself can increase his/her traffic. I used to check my hits via Sitemeter daily to see how things were working out for me. At about 6 months, my traffic averaged over 100 hits/day. Then Google decided to stop searching sites with the word "blog" in the its title. Granted, Google-whoring wasn't really at the top of my list for traffic, but it seemed better than nothing. I haven't given in to the temptation to mention P@ris H!lton or n@ked Olsen Tw!ns in my posts because I don't really need or want that kind of traffic. I occassionally ping other sites; I leave comments when the mood strikes me, especially if it's someone with whom I've developed a bloggy relationship. Some of the linkfests bore me, though. I don't think many of my posts are Carnival worthy and I have way too many sucky posts to bother submitting to the Bonfire. I do try and keep up with my Alliance homework. Life does come first, though, and the upcoming blessed event #2 in my household is likely to put a bigger crimp into my blogging. So be it.

You're probably asking yourself, "Does this guy actually not want traffic?" Of course I do. If I posted and I was the only one ever reading my stuff, well, there's a word for that sort of thing: masturbation. So I post what I want, linking to odd news bits that I stumble onto, creating massive linky love posts when I have time to cruise around the blogiverse and posting horrid old jokes that were rotting and smelly when Rome fell. Mainly, I post what I like. Sometimes, other people like it, too. Hopefully over time, more people will read my stuff. I have enough of an ego that I want to attract readers, but enough humility to realize that my audience is destined to be limited. And I'm okay with that. The readers I have are appreciated greatly.

One final note: Harvey makes a good point about surfing via your blogroll. Do it. That is all.

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July 14, 2004

Our government at work

Found this in my INBOX recently and decided to ruin a few days with some humor that's made horrifying due to the fact that I can actually envision something like this happening. Why yes, I AM a bit cynical about our elected officials these days.

Government Accidentally Begins 'War On Rugs'
Considered The Worst Typo of the Century

WASHINGTON: Blamed on 'a careless typo', the Bush
Administration is trying to find a way to explain the
$150 billion spent this year on efforts to fight the
'War on Rugs'.

The offending act, which was passed last February,
was brought into public spotlight after angry citizens
filed a class action suit against the United States
Government -- for seizing and destroying almost 800,000
rugs nationwide.

Asa Hutchinson, director of the Drug Enforcement
Agency, whose agency the money was initially intended
to benefit, called this a 'travesty':

"We were seeing vast improvements throughout
2004, and were looking forward to a really
productive year in 2005. Unfortunately this
was all cut short by our funding being diverted
to this ridiculous Rug Enforcement Agency.
This is a travesty -- The war on drugs is not
a joke!"

President Bush held a press conference this
Monday in which he addressed the issue.

"I apologize to the American People, for
putting them through this time of hardship, and
for needlessly destroying so many rugs. I apologize
to the thousands of Persian nationals who were exported
or put in concentration camps. I apologize to Young
People, who were subjected to Rug Awareness Programs
about the dangers of Rug Abuse, and for the billions
of dollars spent on constructing Rug Rehabilitation

"Unfortunately it may take a few months for this
funding to be curtailed," he added. "The American
People will have to bear this burden and accept that
enforcement officers have rules to follow."

Jess Bravin, legal analyst for the Wall Street
Journal, called this a "load of bullhonkey".

Meanwhile, Amnesty International, an organization
of bleeding-heart idealistic rich kids who never saw
an hour of real work in their entire lives, has called
for an injunction in accordance with the Warsaw Pact
to stop 'the murder of innocent rugs'. Bravin's
comment on this is unpublishable.

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July 13, 2004

Wictory Wednesday

The Democrats used to be a proud party that stood up for what they saw as the right thing. I disagreed with them on what the right thing was a lot of the time, but by and large the disagreements were cordial. No more, though. Now, it seems that the majority of Democrats have lurched so far to the Left that the fevered imaginings of Michael Moore have become the talking points for the party. We on the right have done a pretty good job distancing ourselves from the wackos that reside in our end of the political spectrum. Until and unless the Democrats as a party decide to do the same, the party of Truman cannot be trusted with sharp objects. Let's face it: do you want to trust someone that has a link to the Democratic Underground hompeage? I sure as heck wouldn't trust someone that linked to Stormfront.

Today is Wictory Wednesday. Every Wednesday I ask my readers to volunteer and/or donate to the Bush campaign if they haven't done so already. And if you have volunteered and donated, then get a friend to join you. It's the only way to defeat the lying liberal media.

If you're a blogger, you can join Wictory Wednesday simply by putting up a post like this every Wednesday, asking your readers to volunteer and/or donate to the president's re-election campaign. Be sure to visit these fine participating blogs:

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A Jinx ?

A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact
was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he
finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there
beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside
me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again.
And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me,
encouraging me to go on trying.."

She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major
interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside
me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."

He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got
to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And
you were there beside me."

Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I
never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As
such, I remained in the same position from the day I join the company till
now...And you were there beside me."

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :"And now I
met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me....
....There's something I'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with

He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."

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July 12, 2004

Literary critique

Received the following from somebody, somewhere, sometime:

The Cat in the Hat Critique

The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which
the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of
some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the
Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel,
writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr.
Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two
young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned
by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their
single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol
dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to
succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other.
Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the
incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's probing
examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to
charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to
as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who
represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the
children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers
associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this,
the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his
umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ
figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most
notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer
of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children
experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our
heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus
completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a
large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's
concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious
mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego
which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral
attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says,
"Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the
children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to
re-examine his own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these
creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically,
control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ
symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal
triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this
point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents
the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters'
lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's
concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood
gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and
serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his
writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible
to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it
in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that
the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:38 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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And the book is finally closed

Rachel Lucas has changed her mind yet again and has decided to put a stake through her blog's heart. I, for one, will miss her rants. Good luck Rachel. And I'm not taking you off of my blogroll yet.

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Monday stuff

Some things you just can't explain, and God knows that this is one of them. Curses to Neal Boortz for linking to this thing.

Now for a mental palate cleanser: the 100 worst porn movie titles. Excerpt:

1) GROSS - these are disgusting titles that should turn you off completely :

1. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES - The title that started me on this list. "Virginia Slims" becomes "Vagina Slimes" ? That's disgusting ! You get the idea.
2. LET'S PLAY STAIN THE COUCH - And then invite all our friends over and watch them try to guess what that smell is !
3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA - Because nothing turns a guy on more than needle tracks and missing teeth ...

Read the rest if you're a degenerate like me.

Lakers consider replacement for Shaq.

President Clinton's portrait will be unveiled soon. The guys at Fark make some guesses as to what it will look like.

No surprises here, although no word yet on whether or not Ron will bother to mention that the biggest advances so far come from ADULT stem cell research. My guess is no.

A lesbian action figure doll from a toy series called DYKEdolls. And no, I'm not making this up.

In better doll news, an injured seagull now has a prosthetic Barbie leg.

So President Bush's opposition to gay marriage is creating a backlash that might hurt his presidency. Funny how the article doesn't mention that Kerry and Edwards oppose gay marriage as well.

This story has a happy ending. However, I want to beat the asshole who dropped a kitten into the ocean 3 miles off of the Tampa coast.
Maggie Roberts holds Nemo after being rescued from  Homosassa Bay, three miles east of Tampa, on Saturday, July 3, 2004. Roberts was out with her husband when they spotted nine-inch Nemo paddling furiously and screaming at the top of his lungs. Nemo was adopted by Rogers' sister-in-law. (AP Photo/Clearwater Marine Aquarium, HO)
Update: John Cole links to the actual story and he expresses himself a little more forcefully:
I am generally against the death penalty, but in crueltyto animal cases, I think it is justified. How someone could dump this fellow in the ocean is beyond me. Scum.

Ancient spraypaint discovered?

Britney Spears, twenty years from now. I'm just saying, is all.

Great. Now the best alternative to IE has security flaws. Opera, anyone?
Update: Harvey just linked to Mozilla's fix page. Funny how THEY can find and their security holes in a matter of hours.

Embrace the Penguin. Now.

"...many experts agree that burning calories is a good way to maintain healthy weight." No shit. Come see our upcoming documentary entitled, "Water Is Wet, and other surprises".

I guess that the guy in this story doesn't even bat an eye when someone calls him a dickhead.

So Ronald McDonald became a vegetarian? Or is crack really, really cheap in Oslo, Norway?

A 32-year-old man raised by chickens. Sounds like the topic for Michael Moore's next movie. At least that movie would be factual. The story does remind me a bit of this one, though.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:50 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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July 09, 2004

Revised blonde Michael Moore supporter joke

A rather attractive Michael Moore supporter went to a doctors office and said, "You have to help me, I hurt all over!!"

"What do you mean all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "ouch! that hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "ow, even that hurts." she cried.

The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a true believer in all the things that Michael Moore says?"

"Why, yes." she replied.

"I thought so," the doctor said, "you have a broken finger."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:47 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Old news

Jokes have been written on the topic of this story for a long time. As I tell people often, proof-reading is a lost art. And yes, I realize that I have typos in my post. Deal with it. Excerpt:

Will defusing a bomb necessarily diffuse the situation? Is it correct to pedal a bicycle or pedal ideas?

According to the editors of the new Concise Oxford Dictionary, up to half of us do not know the answers.

As part of compiling the 11th edition of the reference book, which is out today, researchers discovered an increasing confusion over simple words and phrases.

And now the joke:

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea every wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Good advice?

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from
guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep
the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

-Be sure to thank your spouse whenever they do something nice,
even if it's something as small as taking it up the ass.

-The best way to ensure a long-lasting marriage is to keep your
individual needs out of it.

-Treat your partner with respect. Don't hit him/her in front of

-A good relationship leaves room for outside interests. Be
supportive of your spouse's rough-sex-with-the-mailman hobby.

-Cranking out another child is a great way to bring you and your
spouse closer together.

-Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for
24 hours, 36 hours--however long it takes.

-Always speak to spouse in soothing, patronizing tones.

-Take out your marital problems on your young children.

-Communication is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your
spouse knows every last little thing you hate about him/her.

-Sit down with your spouse and work out a diet that will allow you
to get big and fat together.

-If your marriage is truly in jeopardy, stay in touch with your phone
psychic at all times.

-Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your family
for years at a time.

-In a two-job household, both careers need to be considered, even
if one is some silly little woman endeavor.

-One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital
dispute, but studies show that this is not always the case.

-If you sense that your marriage is growing stale, accept it and live
out the remainder of your days in unfulfilled misery and despair.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:44 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The most important ballot you'll cast this year today

I have to admit that it was the second photo of the Bush twins that pushed me over the top; the first one made them look, um, not good. Go check out the photos at The American Mind and then head over to Kevin's to vote.

And to answer your question: yes, I might have some perverted desire for twins, but I would never let THAT influence my vote. So far as you know.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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New national holiday

Or something. Go congratulate Frank: he's been blogging for 2 years now. Here's hoping for many more (free) humorous posts.

Update: Harvey mentioned ice cream in the comments to this post. That reminds me of this idea which everyone can do to celebrate IMAO's 2nd anniversary: ice cream in a bag. Excerpt:

What You Need

1 tablespoon Sugar
1/2 cup Milk or half & half
1/4 teaspoon Vanilla
6 tablespoons Rock salt
1 pint-size Ziploc plastic bag
1 gallon-size Ziploc plastic bag
Ice cubes

How To Make It

Fill the large bag half full of ice, and add the rock salt. Seal the bag.
Put milk, vanilla, and sugar into the small bag, and seal it.
Place the small bag inside the large one and seal again carefully.
Shake until mixture is ice cream, about 5 minutes.

Now everyone can toast Frank with homemade ice cream. You might consider adding nuts to the mixture for Frank because, well, it seems appropriate, if you catch my drift.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:42 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Things that make you hmm...

Over at A Little More To The Right, Jeff posted a short quiz designed to assess one's knowledge of world terrorism. Wow, I feel my eyes see clearly for the first time. < /sarcasm>

Posted by: Physics Geek at 05:03 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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New to the blogroll

Have you ever read someone's blog regularly for a while and then FINALLY noticed that he/she was actually on your blogroll? No? Why does this only happen to me? Anyway, the Queen of All Evil is now a permanent fixture on the sidebar. And don't ask why she wasn't there before; I don't know. Here's a post by T-Steel that she linked to. Some serious asskicking and name-taking to wade through. Ecerpt:

Call me whatever you want to call me. Racist. Off-base. Un-American. Doesn't change the fact that Democrats are sneaky, manipulative bastards that use and abuse black folks and other minorities in plain view of the nation. I hate Republicans. But I really, really hate Democrats.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:38 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Howler of the day

Check out the title of this post by Bill Press: Kerry presidency off to strong start. Chutzpah, thy name is Bill Press. Truthfully though, it's not as ridiculous as the headlines proclaiming "The Clinton Recovery" a couple of days after the 1992 election, while Bush the elder was still president. And I'm certain that if John Effing Kerry wins this November that CBS/NBC/ABC/CNN/et al will be touting the numbers found in this report from the Heritage Foundation.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:45 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Air to remain free

For a nominal fee, of course. Sound absurd? Maybe, but let me know when you find something that policiticians will NEVER try to tax. Like parking in front of your own house.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:31 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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No, we're really not anti-Israel

Still more evidence that anti-Semites Incorporated the International Court of Bullshit Justice deserves to be ignored. Excerpt:

The International Court of Justice will rule this afternoon that Israel's security fence, which is credited with keeping suicide bombers out, violates international law, and that it must be dismantled, according to an Israeli official who obtained advanced copies of the ruling.

Here's the response that I'd like to see from Israel:

"We reviewed the ruling from this collection of asshats the members of this court and we respectfully disagree. Please see our enclosed response. You will notice in the photograph that we're all mooning you while simultaneously giving you the finger. Should you be inclined to try and force our compliance, be advised that our soldiers have been warned to shoot any blue-helmeted individuals on sight. Also, I would like to remind you that the half-life of U-235 is really, really long. It would be a shame if the Hague became unihabitable for the 10,000 years.

Fuck off and die Respectfully yours,

The People of Israel

Update: It appears that the United Nations is also recommending that Israel divest itself of nukes to increase regional stability. I kind of think that the letter above needs to be adjusted as follows:

"...we're all mooning you and farting in your general direction while simultaneously giving you the finger."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:01 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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July 08, 2004

American Beer Month

July is American Beer Month. Excerpt:

July is American Beer Month, a time when every American should celebrate the season by exploring the wonderful flavors of American Beer. No matter what kind of beer you like, there’s one that’s perfect for your tastes that’s made in America.

So go celebrate already. And for you religious types(I include myself here), some churches in northern Illinois will be "mixing Bibles and beer in the coming weeks." Hallelujah.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:01 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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This week's sign that the Apocalypse is upon us

No comments required for this story.

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I think I want a second opinion

Feeling unwell? Does something hurt? Then you should head over to Cambodia to receive treatment from the healer in this story. Imagine the office visit:

"Doctor, my leg hurts."


"No, not there. Just below the knee."

Mooo. ::lick-lick-lick:

"Thanks. I feel so much better."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 05:28 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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