Well, the new year is already well under way and I haven't pissed anyone off yet. Okay, maybe a little. Anyway, it's time for some more recycled humor. I give you the following:

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball/soccer/basketball/etc.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. Good beer costs less than good women.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer doesn't change its mind after you've taken off its top.
30. Beer doesn't expect an hour of foreplay before satisfying you.
31 . Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
32. Beer won't drive you to drink.
33. You can shoot a beer.
34. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
35. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
36. A tree is good enough for a beer.
37. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
38. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
39. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.
40. You can't get thrown in jail for having a beer under the grandstand at halftime.
41. Afterwards, a beer won't feel guilty, cry, propose, call her mother, your ex-wife or her therapist.
42. Beer never bugs you to have little beers.
43. If your preference for a type of beer changes, you don't have to get involved with lawyers.
44. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.
45. A beer doesn't make you sleep onthe couch after you've taken six other beers on a picnic.
46. After you've put your lips to a beer, a beer never asks, "What are you doing?"
47. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.
48. You can have a beer on your lunch hour.
49. A beer never wants to stay up afterwards talking about respect.
50. A beer won't slap you in the face for putting it between your legs at a drive-in movie.
51. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".

And don't think that the men are getting off easy, either. Here comes the rebuttal:

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Men

1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.

2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
3. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
4. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
5. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
8. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
9. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
10. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
11. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
12. If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
13. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
14. A beer doesn't sulk.
15. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
16. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
17. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
18. A beer doesn't snore.
19. A beer can't interrupt.
20. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
21. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
22. A beer doesn't belch. Or fart.
23. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
24. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
25. A good beer is easy to find.
26. A beer can't pout.
27. A beer doesn't have a mother.
28. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
29. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
30. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
31. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
32. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
33. A beer doesn't want children.
34. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
35. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
36. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
37. Hangovers go away.
38. A beer tastes good.
39. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
40. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
41. A beer's life does not revolve around the football.
42. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
43. A beer never needs a shave.
44. You don't have to let a beer win.
45. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
46. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
47. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
48. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
49. A beer will never drink the last beer.
50. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
51. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
52. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
53. A beer is never temperamental.
54. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
55. A cold beer is a good beer.
56. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
57. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
58. A beer won't steal the covers.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:28 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Overindulge a bit during the holidays, did you? Wake up feeling like a production of Stomp was going on in your noggin? Well then, pay attention: this article is for you. Excerpt:

You're hung over - some cures?

- Sleep. It gives your body time to recover. A tired or unfit drinker is especially vulnerable to hangovers.

- Keep drinking water.

- Eat. Complex carbohydrates such as bread and pasta will raise your blood sugar level. Bananas are excellent because they contain complex carbohydrates, potassium and Vitamin C. And if your stomach can't face food? Chamomile tea is best, and make the first cup really strong. The chamomile will help your stomach, and if you take in quantities of water with the tea, it will ease the pain.

- Exercise. This will help you sweat the alcohol out of your system.

- Sex. See exercise.

There are doctors who claim hangovers are mostly mental. In that case you may feel the need to punish yourself with a more exotic cures. If so, try the Middle Ages mixture of bitter almonds and raw eel. Or mix together vinegar and raw eggs, and swig them down with a giant gulp.

You might decide you were better off stopping at cure No. 5 above.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:59 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Last night, we had our annual faculty meeting to discuss the standard blah-blah that the university issues. However, the dean added a twist to yesterday's meeting: he began by reading aloud an email from one of our professors, whose name I shall not mention on this blog. I'll paraphrase the message since I don't possess a hard copy:

This holiday season, my wife, my sister and I went on vacation with our parents to our usual place along the coast of the Indian sub-continent. Morning dawned with a beautiful sunset. Around mid-morning, a large group of us entered a shelter to wait for boat; we were going to take a day trip to [some] island. All of a sudden, the large waves started rolling in. No one could out of the doors and the water was rising rapidly. I yelled at someone to break the windows, which he did. Then I started shoving people out the window as the waves kept crashing into the building. Right after my mother and wife climbed out, I clambered out myself. Just then, another huge wave crashed into the building and it collapsed. All of us climbed to higher ground, feeling thankful for our escape.

In a related matter, my sister was overwhelmed by a large wave and dragged out to sea. In what I can only call another miracle, she was returned to us safe and sound.

I wanted to send this message to all my friends and colleagues at the university. My family and I are grateful for the miracles that spared our lives, and are especially grateful to be safe and sound back in the US. Please pass this message along to everyone and tell them I look forward to seeing them next week.

The ocean is a harsh mistress. She rarely gives back that which she takes, and even then it's only grudgingly.

A few years ago, Stephen King was hit and nearly killed after being hit by a car while crossing the street. He and his wife have called every day since then "bonus time". I'm betting that the professor feels the same way.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It's a New Year, which means that Andrea has moved. Again. Stop by and check out her new digs, Victory Soap.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Annika posted excerpts and an image from a story about a a Swedish toddler who somehow survived the tsunami and was reunited with his father. As the father of 2 children who help give my life meaning, I can only imagine the despair that the father experienced, and the subsquent surprised joy. There's another part of the story that's not so good though:

But Hannes' mother, Suzanne Bergstroem, was still among some 5,000 people missing in Thailand.

My prayers are with all of the victims.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Physics Geek(me) is hosting this week's Carnival of the Recipes. Please submit any and all links to your recipes to recipe.carnival (at) gmail.com . If you don't have a blog, just send me the recipe and I'll post it, taking all the credit for myself giving you the credit.

I'm going to guess what Steve might submit:

Butter-Fried, Lard-Coated Fat Sticks

Ingredients
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10 pounds of beef or pork fat, preferably both
10 pound tub of lard
10 pounds of butter
non-stick oil spray

Directions
-----------
Spray some oil onto your tongue, just to get into the right frame of mind. Next, coat the fat chunks with enough lard so that a 2-inch layer has formed. If you run out of lard, buy some more. The 2-inch layer is critical.

Put your cast iron skillet onto a burner set at medium heat; melt the butter. Slowly drop the lard-coated fat chunks into the butter and heat until everything becomes a gooey, viscous oily mass. Remove from heat and let cool. Dig in with a spoon; a little hot sauce adds some zest. Remember: this is all part of your Atkins friendly diet.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:16 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Okay, here are my Dead Pool picks for this year. I will guarantee that I have several solo shots available due to my penchant for picking really old, extremely obscure people with only tenous ties to celebrity status. Most of them tend to live forever, though. Anyway, I give you the picks:

Mills, John

Ford, Gerald

Douglas, Kirk

Stapleton, Jean

Doohan, James

West, Adam

Blanda, George

Hollings, Ernest

Rostenkowski, Dan

Morricone, Ennio

Carpenter, Scott

Knievel, Evel

Bannister, Roger

Breck, Peter

Anderson, Louie

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:05 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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