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December 06, 2004

Barbie's letter to Santa

Yes, I posted this last year. I did warn you....
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Barbie's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY
BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

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Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you
for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my
fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you
of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and
desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel
Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has
everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability
to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am
forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such
as:

"S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new
markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've
talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions
to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's
what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

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Christmas questions redux

Submitted by: Name withheld to protect the quilty.

It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to
play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an
expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the
end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.

2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was
visited by the ghost of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.

4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens?
_____, _____, _____

5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____

6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other,
they are passing on _____ _____.

7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.

8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.

9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.

10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.

11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.
12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.

13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on
December 25 as _____ _____.

14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each
other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____.

Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's
No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers
1. Christmas Eve
2. Christmas Present
3. North Poll
4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l)
6. seasons' greetings.
7. St. Nickleless.
8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!
9. silent knight
10. sandy claws
11. Christmas cards
12. cresh
13. Christmas Carols
14. Fleece Navidad!

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Wonders of aging

Tell me if you see a problem here:

A group of seniors were sitting around the bridge table talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," one said.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "THANK GOD WE CAN ALL STILL DRIVE!"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 05:11 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Some common sense

And it's posted, not surprisingly, by Andrea. I had mulled over the idea of responding to this load of poop after reading it yesterday. Turns out that some people had already weighed in on the subject using their best Adult Voice™, meaning that the discussion had ended. Anyway, I'm glad that I held off on writing my post because Andrea did a far better job than I could have making mincemeat of the opposition. Excerpt:

Now, IÂ’d like to know what mainline branch of Christianity is refusing to admit cripples, minorities, and gays into its churches to worship merely for being what they are. I do think the answer to that is Â“none,Â” and I am sure that the creators and approvers of this ad knew that full well. Just as I am sure that they also know full well that ChristÂ’s commandment to Â“go forth and sin no moreÂ” didnÂ’t mean Â“go back to whatever bad thing you were doing because now that IÂ’m here nothing is bad anymore!Â” The ad misrepresents the Christian religion and the aim of its believers in a very basic way that can only undermine the church, though perhaps it will briefly increase its member rolls.
The sin referred to in that particular passage in the Bible was adultery. This is a behavior, not an involuntarily-inherited physical characteristic like skin color over which human beings have no control. A sin is a behavior that is wrong. The use of the minority and handicapped characters in the ad implying that there is some sort of impetus running through modern society to think itÂ’s a sin to be crippled or any other color of skin but that underdone toast color known as Â“whiteÂ” would be bizarre if it wasnÂ’t obvious (to me, anyway, though it seems to have passed under JarvisÂ’ radar) that they were being used as a blatant diversion from the real focus of the ad, which was on the two Â“gayÂ” men who werenÂ’t allowed to pass the velvet rope.
...
That brings me belatedly to the subject of JarvisÂ’ post, which is about a Methodist minister who was relieved of her position of authority after not only admitting to having engaged while in this position of authority in behavior her church has condemned as sinful but openly flaunting it as something wonderful. Now I have no beef with people Â“coming outÂ” as gay to their friends, family members, coworkers, and the general public, but I do have an issue with people expecting to have their cake and eat it too Â– expecting to still be able to keep the perks of the position whose rules they flouted.

Read it all.

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Wanna see something really scary?

Then click on this link. Jeff, you have serious issues. Just an FYI.

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For all my women readers

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My humorscope of the day

Well, this can't be good. Excerpt that pertains to me:

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.

Be afraid; very afraid.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:36 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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100 reasons we're glad to be MEN

Because I just haven't pissed off enough women this weekend:

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on
every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is your's and your's alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*ck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practicallyexpected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

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December 03, 2004

Some Christmas tree history

A lot of the posts the rest of this year may look familiar to those who visited my old site. Well, they seem worth revisting. To me, anyway. Even though I'm having trouble decorating this blog for the holidays, I can at least post lame holiday humor. Here goes the first in a series of repeats:

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

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December 02, 2004

In God we trust, all others pay cash

This snippet of an email that Jonah posted in the Corner reminded me of a conversation at the family "Thanksgiving two days late" feast concerning the Epsicopal hierarchy appointing an active homosexual as bishop. My wife's sister-in-law mentioned that her mother's church had left the Episcopalian diocese and become part of the worldwide Anglican church. Of course, this led to the endless discussion about what minister was gay, what bishop had been gay, etcetera. Since I preferred peace at this time, I bit my tongue. However, I really wanted to make some points and ask some questions, much like I did to my in-laws. Blank looks don't make my day, though, which is why I held my tongue. Anyway, here's some of what I wanted to say:

1) When someone reads scripture during an Episcopal service, the officiant and congregation say "the word of God". If you really believe that, why are you rewarding someone who actively flouts that Word? If not, why bother with the pretense?

2) If a heterosexual minister had left his wife and was shacking up with a 20 year old, including an active sex life, would the Episcopal Church nominate that person to be a Bishop in the church? If not, why not? If so, how can you claim that the Church is there to provide spiritual and moral guidance when the leaders exhibit neither of those qualities? See question #1.

Anyway, I remember a conversation with my father-in-law where he mentioned that the church needed to work on topics that had some relevance to him. I called this boutique Christianity, where you pick and choose what you like and ignore the rest. Jonah received an email from a minister wherein he describes this particular folly:

Jonah-
I appreciated your abbreviated g-file on belief in God. I am a minister, so it is my business to ask people (although not necessarily public figures like you) what they think about God, beyond what they practice. In my case, however, most people don't think I am being rude, they just think I am doing my job. I do believe that there is an unhealthy interest in what people believe, especially when you are in no position to enter into an ongoing conversation on the topic.
Now, to Sheilaism. Your disgust at people picking their favorite items off salad bar of religious belief is right-on. It is really a way of saying, "I only believe in anything, but I do pick and choose the best of everything to create a religion that fits my lifestyle." Last time I checked, any faithful religious observance (no matter the religion or tradition) shapes one's life, not the other way around. You are not the first to dislike or observe this phenomenon. Robert Bellah in Habits of the Heart written in the 1980's interviewed a woman who described her religion as "Sheilaism," which was a smattering of all the things that she thought were most true and fit her own outlook.
I thought that you might like to know the technical term and where it came from.
Peace,

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Scientific breakthrough

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:12 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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It brings tears to my eyes

Our beloved Emperor had been on hiatus recently. He's returned with a vengencance and his target Bill O' Reilly. Excerpt:

You are a twit. You're a fraidycat. You're a sniveling little sissy with less balls than a castrated gnat. You can dish it out, but you sure as Hell can't take it. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being, a spineless blob of protoplasm, a pouting little pussy, a nancy-boy, an insignificant imbecile, a gargantuan embarrassment around the base of which lesser embarrassments gather to worship, the High Priest in the Cathedral of Cowardice, a hypocrite of such magnitude that it almost requires a new dictionary definition, an invertebrate milksop and, worst of all:
You're crowding our planet, so get the Hades off of it before you REALLY piss us off.
Pissant.

Welcome back Misha, in all your invective glory.

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December 01, 2004

Look! It's a Rant-o-lanche!

Aaron being hit by the Corner for Blogopoly, and it is generating a lot of traffic over here. Woo hoo! Welcome, welcome, welcome. Pull up a keyboard and grab a beer. Stay awhile.

Happy Days flashback:

Fonzie: "Do you drink beer from a glass or out of the bottle?"
Accountant: ::indignant:: " I don't drink beer."
Fonzie: "Get this nerd away from me!"

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