April 18, 2005
April 17, 2005
Let's hope that Serenity box office receipts are large enough so that asswad(s) at Fox responsible for screwing Firefly over get, well, fired. Okay, that's a bit harsh. Just reorganize their positions so that their job responsibilities include cleaning all of the network toilets with their tongues. Just a thought.
The purpose of citizens is to pay taxes. Government has no reason to tolerate citizens otherwise. Dead or alive, what difference does it make? They should pay.
How do you respond to such horseshit? Short answer: you don't. Anyone who actually believes that my life has no meaning outside of servitude to the government probably deserves my pity. Unfortunately, I'm not in a charitable mood; all he gets is my contempt.
Wait a minute, I've figured out how to converse on his level after all. Here goes:
I didn't bother to comment on McCain's moronic "now the NY Times will love me" statement on Softball with Chris Matthews that he would oppose the "nuclear" option with regards to ending judicial filibusters. And yes, the Reuters' scare quotes are intentional around the word "nuclear". The idea that a filibuster is some sacrosanct, immutable law of the Senate is complete and utter bullshit. Check your history books(not the version found in California where George Bush roasts small children for shits and giggles) and you will notice that it used to require 67 votes to end cloture. The number now stands at 60. That change occurred in 1975, when Senator Byrd was Majority Whip, and it came about by simple majority-vote rule change. Anyone else notice the irony?
I hear that Senate Majority Leader Frist is backpedaling from the whole judicial filibuster thing and plans to focus on legistlative issues instead. Um, Senator Frist? You don't have a fucking clue. Try and beat the filibuster; you might actually win. And if enough wayward Republicans defeat the effort, that's fine, too: some of them are up for re-election next year. I'm already looking forward to those campaign speeches. But dicking around like, well, the French is only pissing of your base, including someone like me who nominally supports the (former)Republican economic issues. Not worried about losing my vote? Well, yuo ought to be worried about losing Hugh Hewitt's vote. Excerpt:
My message is simple: I will support on air and with cash those Democrats who oppose the Senate Republican incumbents who defect on this vote --so basic is the right of a nominee who reaches the floor to have an up or down vote, and so crucial are the coming battles for the Supreme Court.
Hugh is as big a GOP cheerleader you will ever find. If you lose him over this issue, you are, uh what's that word? Oh yeah: FUCKED.
Final word: I've argued many times with my (far more conservative) sister over voting for Republicans who are actually donkey's wearing a Velcro elephant costume. My point to her was this: "Why should I vote for Democrat-lite when the real thing exists?" Of course, she believes that voting for someone you think might be an asshole(my word, not her's) is better than voting a an honest-to-God shit-stain. In other words, the lesser of two evils is always better. Well, she's just plain wrong. I've voted GOP many times because I believed that the opposing Democrat would be a disaster for this country. So I sucked it up and decided to slowly apply the breaks to this country's descent into FUBAR-ville. Now? I'm so over it. I want to grease the rails to this handbasket to Hell and ignite a fucking JATO on the back. If we're heading down, I want to hit bottom as quickly as possible so that one of two things will happen:
1) Mass revolt of the population in general, who will throw off the tyrannic yoke of their government or
2) This grand experiment of ours will finally reached its historical cul de sac
Either way, I get to see what happens sooner rather than later.
Your choice, Senator: force a vote to the floor, or look forward to your position as Senate Minority leader.
Update: Just saw the following image at IMAO. Instant classic:
April 16, 2005
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the
woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet,
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't
"Yes it is," the man replies.
You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously,
but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the
closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes, it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't, Dad. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you
to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest says.
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so
they can get under way.The pilot and copilot finally appear in the
rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
center aisle.Both appear to be blind.The pilot is using a white
cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles
down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort of practical joke.However, after a few minutes the
engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the
runway. The passengers look at each other with some
uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking
desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking.Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane
has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in
the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the
very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't
going to scream in time and we're gonna get killed!"
THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A PENTIUM MACHINE
10. YOUR CURRENT COMPUTER IS TOO ACCURATE
9. YOU WANT TO GET INTO THE GUINNESS BOOK AS
"OWNER OF MOST EXPENSIVE PAPERWEIGHT"
8. MATH ERRORS ADD ZEST TO LIFE
7. YOU NEED AN ALIBI FOR THE I.R.S.
6. YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT
5. YOU'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE
LIKE TO BE A PLAINTIFF
4. THE "INTEL INSIDE" LOGO MATCHES YOUR DECOR PERFECTLY
3. YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CPU OVERHEATING
2. YOU GOT A GREAT DEAL FROM JPL
And the #1 reason to buy a Pentium machine:
1. IT'LL PROBABLY WORK
Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my
17. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.
16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5 year olds.
14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen
13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark
11. Didn't bring balloons but managed to twist your dachshund into other
10. Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the
9. NOt exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
8. Wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than in his pants.
6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of
showing charts and
complaining about the deficit.
5. A sad clown is one thing - a clown who spends the entire party with a
gun to his temple is another
4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
3. Business cards include the phrase, "From the mind of Stephen King."
2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
and the number 1 sign you've hired the wrong clown for your child's party
1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
April 14, 2005
Shortly after the Korean War had ended, an Army Sergeant wandered into the Airport Bar and bought himself a drink. The waitress, having no other customers, started a conversation with him.
He described his time in battle, how scared he was, and how he had been away so long from home, he barely remembered how to have fun.
Touched by the tale, she asked "How long has it been since you were with a woman?" "1945 was the last time" he replied.
Amazed, she asked if he would like to accompany her back to her place.
"Maam, I would be most honored", and they left together.
Later, as she rolled over, she exclaimed "Wow, I cannot believe that after that, you would remember so much!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well,... you mentioned you hadn't had sex since 1945"
"What do you mean?" he said looking at his watch. "It's only 2245 now!"
There is some comfort in knowing that, though it is true that I am being financially reamed by my government so that it can spend lots of money on shit I wholly and viscerally disapprove of, it also spends lots of money on the military and related technology which we can use to kick the ass of mass murderers like Saddam. I like that, very much indeed. And I like my good ol' American infrastructure. But still. I just did a report for work on a 39-year-old woman who has been on disability for seven years because - hold your breath for the shock - she's so fucking fat that she "can't" work. I'm not even leaving out any explanatory details. She is simply so obese that she can't breathe well, can't walk well, can't sit at a desk, can't do anything except lay around on her enormous ass, stuff her enormous face, and collect checks from the government, which got the money from people like me.
And from the April 25 post in Nealz Nuze. The article no longer exist on his website. However, armed as I am with Google, I was able to retrieve it elsewhere. Here it is in its entirety, with some passages in particular highlighted:
APRIL 15th TAX DAY
From Neal Boortz
"Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed."
"There are two methods, or means, and only two, whereby man's needs and desires can be satisfied. One is the production and exchange of wealth; this is the economic means. The other is the uncompensated appropriation of wealth produced by others; this is the political means."
Albert Jay Nock
The income tax is a vicious, inequitable, unpopular, impolitic and socialistic act The crusade for an income tax is the most unreasoning and un-American movement in the politics of the last quarter-century.
Editorial New York Times. 1894.
TAX DAY FOR ABOUT ONE-HALF OF US
Its April 15th. That day is important for just about one-half of Americans; the one-half that actually carries the load for all of us. For the remaining one-half of income earners its either just another day, or its a day they revel in their ability to not only avoid paying taxes themselves, but in their ability to loot the pockets of those who do through such gimmicks as the rancid Earned Income Tax Credit.
April 15 is depressing ... and not just because your taxes are due.
OK I know youve heard this before, but it doesnt do any harm for you to review the facts just once a year.
This is the day when a simple question can lead to the discovery that most people have no idea how much income tax they pay, though this is becoming less and less true as we go along. There is one group that does know how much federal income tax they pay every year, and this group is growing ever larger. It's that segment of wage earners who pay nothing. So, we'll revise this statement to read: "Most people who actually do pay federal income taxes have no idea how much they pay."
For proof, try this little test: Approach a friend or co-worker whom you actually suspect may pay federal income taxes and ask them what their tax tab was. You will get one of two responses. For the majority of taxpayers who actually get refunds, the response will be "I didn't have to pay anything! I'm getting some back!" Taxpayers who actually have to write a check on April 15 will quote the amount of that check as their tax bill.
This is all by design. Politicians know that if those who pay federal income taxes knew what they were really paying there would be an instantaneous and ugly tax revolt. To hide the ugly truth, these politicians have kept alive our wonderful system of withholding. With the magic of withholding, the money is gone before the wage earner even gets the slightest whiff of it. It's almost as if it was never really there in the first place ... so, what's to miss?
Not only do most people not know how much tax they pay, they don't even know what they make!
You've already asked your co-worker how much tax they had to pay in 2001, and they didn't know. Now, ask them how much they make! Most will tell you it's none of your business. Some will respond, though, and their response will begin with the words, "I take home ..."
If you wanted to be particularly obnoxious at this point or if you fancy yourself to be a radio talk-show host you could say: "I didn't ask you how much you took home. I asked you how much you made." Then, standby for the inevitable blank stare.
See how well this system of withholding taxes has worked! The majority of wage earners can't even tell you what they earned! Just what they "took home." It's as if they viewed their "take home" pay as their total earnings! No wonder they don't think they paid any taxes when they get that refund check from the IRS!
But --- if you happen to work for youself then its a good bet that you DO know how much tax you paid. The owners of small businesses the businesses that employ about 80 percent of the workers in this country ... you know. You are the people who have to sit down four times a year and write a check to the IRS for your quarterly tax payments.
WHY WELL NEVER HAVE A TAX REVOLT.
One word. Withholding.
Withholding was sold to the American wage earner as a purely temporary measure to speed up cash flow to the government during World War II. As soon as the war was over, things were supposed to return to normal and the wage earners would get their entire checks, just as before the war.
In case you haven't checked, the war has been over for about 58 years or so, but withholding is still with us. It's still with us because the proliferation of the "I take home ..." workers and the "I didn't have to pay anything, I'm getting some back" taxpayers are such a boon to our politicians. As long as the majority remains ignorant of the extent to which their paychecks are plundered, politicians will be safe.
Now ... get those tax returns completed and then completely forget what they say so that you can join the ranks of the unknowing.
I cant let this April 15th go by without reminding you of what a wonderful job politicians, especially Democrats, have done insuring that there will never be enough angry taxpayers to cost them their jobs.
Politicians pay attention to polls. Polls are indications of the presence or lack of job security. When politicians read a poll which says that the majority of Americans (a) dont think theyre paying too much in taxes, and (b) dont see any need for a tax cut they sit back and smile. Politicians and especially Democrats have been working for generations to shift the burden for the payment of federal income taxes to a small minority of high-income earners. They have succeeded marvelously. Today the top 10 percent of income earners pay over one-half of all federal income taxes. The bottom 60 percent of income earners a majority, as you can see pay less than 10 percent of all income taxes. Even someone educated in a government school can tell you that this leaves politicians free to increase taxes on the upper-income minority and then spend that money on the middle and lower-income majority in return for votes.
AND NOW --- TIME FOR SOME TAX AND SPENDING OUTRAGES.
We begin with a statistic that should jolt you right out of your seat. Have you ever stopped to consider just how many cumulative hours are spent across this entire country every year just handling the paperwork associated with the federal income tax? American businesses will spend about 3.4 billion man-hours doing tax paperwork this year. Individuals will spend another 1.7 billion man-hours. These figures represent 3 million people working full time all year just to do tax preparation work. Now --- get this. It takes more man-hours in this country to pay federal income taxes than it does to build every car, van and truck produced in this country during the same year. (Money Magazine)
Where does your tax money go? Try this:
Between 1986 and 1998 the IRS spent $5 billion of your money on a computer system that they were never able to get to work. Five Billion thats with a B.
Taxes now comprise 31% of the cost of a loaf of bread, 30% of the cost of a hotel room and 43% of the cost of a bottle of beer. (Money Magazine)
The two major tax writing committees of congress are the Senate Finance Committee and the House Ways and Means Committee. Money Magazine reports that seven out of ten members of these committees cannot figure out their own taxes. They have to hire professionals.
Your government recently gave $170 million to a group called PSI. PSI was founded by Philip Harvey. Philip Harvey runs a mail-order porno business called Adam and Eve. PSI wants to hand out condoms around the world. They now have $170 million of your money to fund their project.
At a series of employee retreats workers played childrens games and sang We are family. They wrote Christmas carols, went on treasure hunts, dressed in cat costumes and talked to imaginary wizards and magicians. It was a team-building exercise for the U.S. Postal Service. Cost? $3,600,000.00.
There are 1.2 million paid tax preparers in the United States. Thats six times more than the number of troops in Iraq. These 1.2 million people add absolutely nothing to our quality of life or standard of living.
Do you know what IRS form 8845 is? Its the form you fill out to get your Indian Employment Credit.
In 1969 the congress discovered that there were 155 taxpayers who paid no taxes because their deductions eliminated their tax liability. Thats when congress passed the Alternative Minimum Tax just to catch those 155 taxpayers. Today the AMT nails 3 million taxpayers. Within 7 years that figure will soar to 36 million.
The IRS still insists that the income tax is voluntary. If you believe that then you believed Bill Clinton when he said that oral sex isnt sex.
The solution is twofold.
First --- reform the tax system by getting rid of the income tax, repealing the income tax amendment and moving to a national retail sales tax. I've been promoting such a system for over 15 years. You can find out everything you want to know by studying the website for Americans for Fair Taxation at http://www.fairtax.org.
Second -- Government must be reduced to its constitutionally appropriate size. Neither Republicans nor Democrats are up to the task. That's why I'm a Libertarian.
Here's the text that came with the image:
Your Score Summary
Overall, you scored as follows:
3% scored higher (more nerdy), and
97% scored lower (less nerdy).
What does this mean? Your nerdiness is:
All hail the monstrous nerd. You are by far the SUPREME NERD GOD!!!
All hail the monstrous nerd. I like the sound of that.
The perpetually sunlit spots proposed by Bussey's team could make perfect sites for building a manned lunar base. For one thing, they would benefit from bountiful solar energy.
What's more, climate calculations suggest that they would hover at a relatively balmy -50 ÂºC. This is far more hospitable for man and machine than the Moon's equatorial regions, in which temperatures swing wildly from -180 ÂºC to 100 ÂºC. "It's quite mild in space terms," Spudis says.
More can be found here.
Growing up, I dreamed that I or my children would get to visit, and spend time, at a permanent lunar base. Let's make that dream a reality, shall we?
April 13, 2005
Sure, Gore's promised to stike out a bold and separate course from the one chosen by
the Titanic Air America, but let's face it: that's about as likely to be true as any of his 2000 campaign press statements. Anyway, I've managed to grab a draft copy of the upcoming network's programs. Here's a sneak peek:
6:00a.m.-8:00a.m: Wake Up With Al Gore! promises to be an exciting way to start the day, with the former Vice-President reading Moveon.org's latest press release, discussing his latest inventions or proclaiming Bill Clinton the greatest president in history. Gore's comedic timing, expressive face and sense of humor will awaken you like no coffee in history!
8:00a.m.-noon: The Morning Bile w/Howard Dean and Janeane Garofalo will be must-see TV, as the two take on topics generating buzz, such as "President Bush: Hitler or Uber-Stupid Hitler?", "Republicans Are More Evil Than Satan and Must Die!" and "Fairer Taxes, or Everyone Pays More Except for Politicians and Actors". You won't want to miss a second of this; get that TIVO set today!
Noon-3:00p.m.: Join Alex Baldwin as he regales everyone with amusing anecdotes and clever jokes during I'm Moving To Canada When You F**king Make Me". Laugh until your sides ache as he describes stoning your political opponents to death! It'll be the best after lunch pick-me-up since crack cocaine.
3:00p.m.-6:00p.m: While others are driving home, enjoy your afternoon watching Sen. Ted Kennedy in The Traffic Safety Report, where he gives all the advice you need to
cover your political assget home without drowningsafely. Pay close attention to the traffic reports; watch for news of bridge closings, rising water and campaign staffers, all which can cause you trouble.
6:00p.m.-midnight: The Streisand Show stars our very own Funny Girl offering advice on how to become better stewards of the environment.
Warning: the electrical interference from her house creates a blackout area within 20 miles of Barbara's home. Please ride your bicycles to a position outside the affected area to watch.
Midnight-6:00a.m.: Join us for Movie Time, where you will be treated to the best cinema Hollywood has to offer, such as The Day After Tomorrow, Fahrenheit 9/11 and OutFoxed. It doesn't matter when you watch; you can't lose!
Voters in Wisconsin are breaking out the catnip and yarn to bait their traps. Yes, it's open season on cats.
Some years back, the Richmond Times-Dispatch stopped carrying Chuck Shepherd's column, probably for including snippets like the following:
A female Zimbabwean athlete who had won several track and field events at meets in Botswana and Mauritius was arrested in Harare in February after authorities discovered she actually had a small penis. Samulkeliso Sithole, 17, said she was born a hermaphrodite but that her parents had paid a traditional healer to make her totally female, and, "because" her parents failed to pay the healer's full fee, the penis had begun to grow. [News Limited (Australia), 2-10-05]
I'm going out a limb here and guess that it was probably the other female Zimbabweans that caused it to grow. Call me crazy.
The first Mother of the Year candidate appears in this story. Excerpt:
A mother is under arrest, accused of selling a 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car.
I know that flogging is illegal in this country, but I kind of think no one would mind in this woman's case.
News flash: water is wet and size matters. Well, duh.
A two-seater bike for one. Now all those losers at the ST conventions can ride in style.
I bet you didn't know that today is Blame Somebody Else Day. Like I need a special day to scapegoat someone.
Another good reason to not fish using dynamite. Just an FYI.
Well, I suppose this is one way for vegetarians to enjoy the warmth and feel of a fur coat.
Newest sandwich creation from McDonald's: The McAfrica.
April 12, 2005
And it doesn't stop there. Now men can... I'll excerpt from this article instead:
But it gets even better. You probably want to stick to the dashboard if you're at the office, but for home use, the Interactive Fleshlight is where it's at. The Fleshlight is a standard, sleeve-style vibrator for men, with a twist: It's also a transmitter. It measures the speed and force of each thrust and communicates those metrics to the software, which translates them into vibration and pulse on the other end.
In other words, a man can be thrusting in Cleveland while a woman is penetrated in Seattle, and the cybersex experience gets one step closer to the holodeck.
Sigh. Guess I have to update my pull-down menu again. It's just that I'm so damned lazy.
April 11, 2005
Don't worry; no one else does either, since I've spent my entire "career" laboring in obscurity. However, I've finally found a group of misfits, losers, geeks, dorks and dweebs still living in their parents' basement who will pay big money for my autograph: fans at a Star Trek convention. My 30-second appearance as Red-shirted Cannon Fodder #3 in episode 13 has garnered me more attention than any of my other roles, including Guy in Drive-Thru in Coming To America. I've even almost been offered sex for my John Hancock. Either that, or she just told me to "Fuck off". Regardless, my social calendar is completely booked for the rest of the year, as I will be appearing at DorkCon XXIII, LoserFest XIV and PizzafaceQuest III.
The SAG Unknown Bit-players Card: don't leave home without it.
April 09, 2005
Give her credit, though: she did try and escape from time to time. After watching a Discover Channel special on the Flying Walendas, TNT made her most daring attempt yet, which was captured on film here:
Sadly, Harvey managed to pull the rope back just before freedom was achieved. And I have a description of something even more outrageous in the extended entry below. Click only if you have a strong stomach: more...
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