October 25, 2005
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
"By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of thebalcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Oh, and make yourself a nifty, low-power solar generator yourself to power some small things around the house. Could be useful if you lose power during a storm, or if you're simply going to be off-grid for a while.
Don't screw with me. I will Google-bomb lots of things so that they link to porcine-related websites. All your queries are belong to us.
And just because I can: more...
October 24, 2005
FOR THE RECORD: The Yeas and Nays on the Coburn amendment
NAYs ---82Akaka (D-HI)
October 23, 2005
The Rolling Stones
The Grateful Dead
The Beach Boys
The Twilight Zone
Opus: quod fiere non potest
The Love Boat
The Young and the Restless
Pretium iustum est
The Price is Right
As for Republicans, any who vote for Miers will thereafter be ineligible to argue that it is important to elect Republicans because they are conscientious conservers of the judicial branch's invaluable dignity. Finally, any Republican senator who supinely acquiesces in President Bush's reckless abuse of presidential discretion -- or who does not recognize the Miers nomination as such -- can never be considered presidential material.
October 21, 2005
I'm following the philosophy I've always preached on this blog. Actions have consequenes. YOU are responsible for your own life.
When I was on my kitchen floor Saturday night in a puddle of ice water and broken glass, unable to get to my feet, I thought, "What would Samantha think if she saw me now? What would Quinton think? What would MY MAMA think, for crying out loud?"
I made my choice then and there. All three would be ashamed of me and I was ashamed of myself. I don't want to go there again.
Even when you're all fucked-up, you can un-fuck yourself if you try. That's what I intend to do.
In case you haven't heard this type of thing before, I'll clue you in: this is how grownups behave. Admit when you've screwed up, kick your own ass and get started fixing your mistakes. I have a bit of experience with this sort of behaviour, although not from the position of an addict. Trust me: there are lots of ways that you can try to fuck up your life. Drugs and alcohol comprise only a small fraction of those ways.
Good luck, Rob. For what it's worth, my prayers are with you. Now go get well.
Thanks to Ace for making me laugh and cry at the same time.
October 13, 2005
The blame for this nomination, quite simply, starts and stops with the White House. It is not, as Jeff points out, because conservatives are sexist or elitist, charges that infuriate me to no end. It is not because a bunch of weak-kneed moderates would vote down a conservative judge. It is not because the vetting process showed that there were skeletons in the closet of great minds like Luttig, McConnell, etc. It is not because, pace Dobson/Rove, conservative legal scholars everywhere were cowed into submission and terrified of a vicious confirmation process.
It is because this White House dropped the ball, and continues to offend and bungle at every opportunity. It is because, rather than fulfill their promise and appoint a qualified conservative with impeccable credentials and a solid judicial philosophy, they reached yet again into the inner circle to find someone Bush felt confortable with and someone they thought would be confirmed without incident.
In short, it was an act of monumental cowardice, and the finger-pointing and smears, rather than help the cause of Harriet Miers and the White House, serve as a giant blinking neon sign pointing to the incompetence of the current White House and their reliance on short-term political calculations rather than exhibiting a quality most conservatives admire.
I don't know what you're talking about
Nemo hic adest illius nominis
There is no one here by that name
Ita erat quando hic adveni.
It was that way when I got here
I have nothing to declare
Vescere bracis meis
Eat my shorts
Noli me vocate. Ego te vocabo.
Don't call me. I'll call you.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult
Canis meus id comedit
My dog ate it
Die dulci freure
Have a nice day
Fac ut vivas
Get a life
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem
Stand aside, little people! I am here on official business
Utinam barbari spatioum proprium tuum invadant
May barbarians invade your personal space
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt...
You know, the Romans invented the art of love...
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant
May conspirators assasinate you in the hall
Magister mundi sum!
I am the master of the universe!
Unitam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy
Cogito ergo sum
I think, therefore I am
Cogito ergo doleo
I think, therefore I am depressed
Senito aliquos togatos contra me conspirare
I think some people in togas are plotting against me
Nihili est - in vita priore ego imperator romanus fui
That's nothing; in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn
Perscriptio in manibus tabellariorum est
The check is in the mail
Non illigitamus carborundum
Don't let the bastards grind you down
Have you lost weight?
You haven't aged a bit!
Id tibi praebet speciem lepidissimam!
It looks great on you!
Capillamentum? Haudquaquam conieci esse!
A wig? I never would have guessed!
Braccae tuae aperiuntur
Your fly is open
Subucula tua apparet
Your slip is showing
In dentibus anticis frustum magnum spiniciae habes
You have a big piece of spinach in your front teeth
Abutebaris modo subjunctivo
You've been misusing the subjunctive
Heus, hic nos omnes in agmine sunt!
Hey, we're all in line here!
Non, mihi ignosce, credo me insequentem esse
No, excuse me, I believe I'm next
Nonne de novo eboraco venis?
You're from New York, aren't you?
Good stuff. Check out the rest here.
hobbit name: Gorbulas Gamgee-Took of Bywater
Elf name: Angrod TelrÃºnya
So. What are your names?
October 12, 2005
[Sorry for any error in translation, but I'm too lazy right now to search Bad Example]
In any event, my wife and I are headed to the Bahamas for a week to celebrate, albeit a bit belatedly, our fifth anniversary. I may have pictures and/or stories to share when I get back. Then again, pictures of me could be used to scare small children, so I'll probably be a bit selective in what I post.
So grab some Geek tomorrow, because it'll be the last time for about 10 days.
October 11, 2005
Is the GOP eating its own? Maybe. But I'm tired of the party that I voted for governing like the minority party that they were for 40 years. Then again, maybe they liked it so much, the party is doing its damndest to relive the past. Trust me when I tell you that they're on the right path.
I wonder how many people are more likely to believe my "trust me" statement in the previous paragraph than the implicit one given by the President by nominating Miers?
Update: Jonah weighs in:
Fed by what are to me very cheap arguments by RNC spokesmen and independent stalwarts of the administration -- chiefly, it seems, Hugh Hewitt -- there is now this permanently established belief in some quarters that people around here and elsewhere oppose Miers based purely on bad motives -- elitism, cowardice, sexism etc. I find this horribly disappointing and the sort of thing I normally expect from leftwingers.
Regardless, whoever started the name-calling, all of it is beneath a movement and a philosophy which is supposed to pride itself on dealing with uncomfortable facts. I don't mind arguments within the conservative camp. I relish them, as should be obvious. They are a sign of intellectual health and integrity. "Unity above all" may at times be a political imperative but it is a philosophical cancer. Those of you who argue Miers' rightwing opponents are hurting the cause have a fair political point to make, even if it shows evidence of a misunderstanding of conservative journalism's role generally and National Review's in particular (See for example, Ramesh's "The Case Against Silence"). But they too are hurting the cause when they impugn the motives of those they will undoubtedly wish to fight alongside in some future battle.
Update: It appears that the White House has enlisted the First Lady to continue the tactic of smearing its own base. Nice.
Hey, GOP! Start packing. You're likely moving to the minority party in 2006. Dickheads.
Final update: Richard Brookheiser weighs in:
Conservative defenders of the Miers pick attribute such violent and visceral reactions to snobbery: Our wise President is being second-guessed by a bunch of Beltway elitists and Ivy Leaguers who disdain the horny-handed daughter of toil nurtured at Southern Methodist University. But this charge is boob bait. Many leaders come from nowhere before rising to the top. Ronald Reagan went to Eureka College; Richard Nixon went to Whittier College; Abraham Lincoln went to no college. Ms. Miers had as many advantages as these men, or more. She only has fewer achievements.
The real reason her nomination sticks in the craw is the brass-and-leather whiff of the Praetorian Guard house. The ancient Praetorian Guard was an elite military unit that guarded Romes emperors and sometimes murdered them. The modern Praetorian Guard is the penumbra of family and cronies that, under the American imperial Presidency, is accorded unseemly attention and respect. Some Presidents look to it for actual officeholders. Bill Clinton put his wife in charge of health-care policy. John Kennedy put his brother in charge of the Justice Department. Mr. Bush seems to find the Praetorian Guard especially seductive. There were the Texas League Texans he sent to FEMAJoe Allbaugh, Michael Brown. There was the way his running mate emerged from a search committee headed byDick Cheney. Look no further! Harriet Miers emerged in the same way, helping to vet judicial nominees. At least she tapped John Roberts before herself; gentlemen first. This is an elitism far more restrictive than anything Ms. Miers critics are charged with. Beltway/Ivy League elitism embraces anyone who works in the federal government, or who graduated from one of seven old colleges. The Presidents elitism embraces anyone who works down the hall. He looked out over what Tom Wolfe calls this wild bizarre unpredictable hog-stomping Baroque country of ours and whom did he see? The woman sitting next to him.
What's your sign?
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog
Viri sunt Viri.
Men are slime.
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.
Valui ad satanam in computatrum meum invocandum.
I succeeded in summoning satan into my computer.
You get paid for this crap?
I'm outta here!
Certamen Bikini-Suicidus-Disci mox coepit?
Does the Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match start soon?
Me oportet propter praeceptum te nocere,
I'm going to have to hurt you on principle.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Let it all hang out.!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!
Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
orbes volantes exstare
Flying saucers are real
Woof woof! Grrrr!
si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus lainis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a job in the fast paced, high-paying(!) world of Latin!
balaenae nobis conservandae sunt
Save the whales!
sona si latine loqueris
Honk if you speak Latin!
ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard drive!
Huc accedit Zambonis
Here comes the Zamboni!
alterum ictum faciam.
I'm going to take a mulligan
Quid est illa in auqua?
What's that in the water?
Furnulum pani nolo
I don't want a toaster
Latine loqui coactus sum
I have this compulsion to speak Latin
Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos!
You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or give me my money back!
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Noli me vocate, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking alot.
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Non sum pisces.
I am not a fish.
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Non est mea culpa.
It's not my fault.
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.
Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?
I am not lost.
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Re vera, potas bene
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Illiud Latine dici non potest
You can't say that in Latin.
Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum.
Only you are can prevent forest fires.
Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.
Sola lingua bona est lingua mortua.
The only good language is a dead language.
Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit.
To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
You do not know the power of the dark side.
Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.
Magnus frater spectat te...
Big Brother is watching you....
Monstra mihi pecuniam!
Show me the money!
Lege atque lacrima.
Read 'em and weep
Vacca, vacca, vacca
Cow, cow, cow.
Id est mihi, id non est tibi!
It is mine, not yours!
Read my lips...
Credo Elvem etiam vivere.
I believe Elvis lives.
Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes.
If you can read this, you have too much education.
Si tu id aeficas, ei venient. Ager Somnia
If you build it, they will come
Cogito sumere potum alterum.
I think Ill have another drink.
Noli nothis permittere te terere.
Dont let the bastards get you down.
Duc, sequere, aut de via decede.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way.
Paucis verbis, quid est deconstructionismus?
What, in a nutshell, is deconstructionism?
More to follow. Lots more.
Still not convinced? Then check out this one.
What? That one was supposed to make you believe in Hell
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