September 15, 2004
Dan Rather molests small furry animals!
Okay, that headline is obviously fake. However, the words are accurate because it reflects the thoughts of homeless psychotic wandering around the CBS headquarters. Time for the investigation to begin. Here are some questions:
1) How long have you been molesting squirrels?
2) Do you climb up the trees yourself or do you catch a ride on a cherry picker?
What do you mean, these aren't valid question? So the headline is fake. The story must be true because someone wants to believe it. Why won't Dan Rather answer these questions?
Note: Hey, the crap I just posted makes as much sense as this story in the NY Times.
Memos on Bush Are Fake but Accurate, Typist Says
I have to say, this story initially angered me. Now, I'm at the point where I just point and laugh. These freaks are deserving of scorn, but all I can muster is ridicule.
Update: Jonah makes a similar point, albeit much funnier:
Meanwhile, Dan Rather has dug in for dear life, ridiculing his critics and dismissing pretty much anyone who has eyes to see the truth as a "partisan," while the CBS front office continues to break off bits of it credibility like a man who feeds an alligator one body part at a time. A CBS spokeswoman told the Post: "In the end, the gist is that it's inconclusive. People are coming down on both sides, which is to be expected when you're dealing with copies of documents." Translation: We can't prove the source is true, but you can't prove it's not.
Well, since this is the new standard, I would like to announce my next column topic right now: Dan Rather has eaten fifteen German Shepherds in the last year alone and he considers himself the Warrior King of the planet Blarnack. I have just printed out documents that back up my story. It is for CBS to prove me wrong.
Update: Okay, it's not really an update; I'm just too damned lazy to make another post. Excerpt from Hugh Hewitt:
What did CBS miscalculate? Everything, including the impact of the blogosphere, and including the change that Florida 2000 brought about. Forgeries intended to influence the outcome of a presidential election, like the attempted suppression of the absentee ballots of the military in Florida by the Gore-Lieberman camp in December 2000, are outrages --outrages widely recognized and detested by Americans of routinely calm demeanor. These voters --casual watchers of politics, not ordinarily focused on the inside baseball stuff-- have had it with Terry McAuliffe, Michael Moore, Howard Dean and now Dan Rather. Maybe some of them weren't sold on Bush, but now they are. Disgust is a powerful thing, and CBS has disgusted the center. It is important that this network be humbled so that no network in the future is tempted to pull a similar stunt.
CBS: These documents are fake, but it doesn't matter, the stuff about Bush is true anyway.
Public: How do you know it's true?
CBS: These documents say so.
Public: But they're forgeries.
CBS: Maybe they are forgeries, but it doesn't matter, the stuff about Bush is true anyway.
Final update: Found this over at Lucianne.com:
CBS Now Says Announcement Will Be Made at 5:00 p.m.
Sources: Will admit docs are false but content is not
Are you motherf***ing kidding me?!
September 14, 2004
Rather can blather all he wants about the political motivation of some in the blogosphere--but what matters is not bias but accuracy. His attitude, moreover, has bordered on the contemptuous; and the blogosphere has chewed him up and spat him out. He has acted as if journalism is a privilege rather than a process; as if his long career makes his critics illegitimate; as if his good motives can make up for bad material. The original mistake was not a firable offense. But the digging in surely is. It seems to me that when a news anchor presents false information and then tries to cover up and deny his errors, he has ceased to be a journalist. I'd like to say that Dan Rather needs to resign from his profession. But, judging from the last few days, he already has.
Update: Turns out that the Puppy Blender beat me to the punch. That almost never happens!
Imagine this press conference:
GW Bush: "We found WMD in Iraq. All of our critics have been completely discredited"
Media: Can we see them?
GW - No. you'll just have to take my word for it. We have experts to prove their authenticity.
Media: Can we talk to the experts? Can we interview the people who found the weapons?
Gw: NO. And the mere fact that you are asking these questions proves that you are partisan rumor mongers. End of story. case closed.
Rather funny, wouldn't you say?
If condoms had sponsors, you might find them packaged like these:
Sad! Very, very sad....................
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD.
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer
September 13, 2004
The new legislation marks the culmination of a two-year drive to outlaw necrophilia in the state and will help prosecutors who have been stymied by the lack of an official ban on the practice, according to experts.
The fact that prosecutors felt they needed this law really, really bothers me.
Update: Donald Sensing has the goods on Forgeries, Inc..
Update: Jeff Goldstein risk being sucked into the black hole and interviews Dan Rather's ego.
Update: Mark Steyn weighs in. Excerpt:
Unfortunately for CBS, Dan Rather's hairdresser sucks up so much of the budget that there was nothing left for any fact-checking, so the ''60 Minutes'' crew rushed on air with a damning National Guard memo conveniently called ''CYA'' that Bush's commanding officer had written to himself 32 years ago. ''This was too hot not to push,'' one producer told the American Spectator. Hundreds of living Swiftvets who've signed affidavits and are prepared to testify on camera -- that's way too cold to push; we'd want to fact-check that one thoroughly, till, say, midway through John Kerry's second term. But a handful of memos by one dead guy slipped to us by a Kerry campaign operative -- that meets ''basic standards'' and we gotta get it out there right away.
The only problem was the memo. Amazingly, this guy at the Air National Guard base, Lt. Col. Killian, had the only typewriter in Texas in 1973 using a prototype version of the default letter writing program of Microsoft Word, complete with the tiny little superscript thingy that automatically changes July 4th to July 4th. To do that on most 1973 typewriters, you had to unscrew the keys, grab a hammer and give them a couple of thwacks to make the ''t'' and ''h'' squish up all tiny, and even think it looked a bit wonky. You'd think having such a unique typewriter Killian would have used a less easily traceable model for his devastating ''CYA'' memo. Also, he might have chosen a font other than Times New Roman, designed for the Times of London in the 1930s and not licensed to Microsoft by Rupert Murdoch (the Times' owner) until the 1980s.
Killian is no longer around to confirm his extraordinary Magic Typewriter, but his son denied the stuff was written by his dad, and his widow said her late husband never typed. So, on the one hand, we have hundreds of living veterans with chapter and verse on Kerry's fantasy Christmas in Cambodia, and, on the other hand, we have a guy who's been dead 20 years but is still capable of operating Windows XP.
Ooh, that's going to leave a mark.
One final update: Professor Hewitt makes the following observation:
The verdict is already in. Dan Rather, at the twiligiht of a long and less than glorious career and looking for one last big bang, got duped by second-rate forgeries, and took a lot of wannabee Woodwards over the cliff with him.
I lied. Here's one more. Excerpt:
In the court of public opinion, however, the process takes a little longer. For the time being, Rather and CBS News can continue to stonewall by ridiculing their critics as people in "pajamas" and dismissing the mounting evidence that they were duped into using forgeries. It doesn't matter. On the charge of violating the public's trust and refusing to set the record straight, the verdict is already in for Rather and CBS News: guilty.
September 10, 2004
Getting Barnes on 60 minutes for a Bush expose: $1,000
Broadcasting documents that "prove" George Bush lied about his National Guard sevice: $100,000 **
Forcing Dan Rather to publicly apologize to the President for presenting forgeries on the air: priceless.
** I have no idea how much it costs to broadcast a 60 Minutes segment.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad....
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you....
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.....
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get....
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.... !
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.....
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.....
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass...
This is my oath... I pledge till the end. Why, you may ask? Because you are my friend! And that's what friends do for each other.
September 09, 2004
United States Attorney John L. Brownlee announced today that 16 individuals and 6 companies were indicted by a federal Grand Jury sitting in Abingdon, Virginia, on charges of Racketeering (RICO), Conspiracy
These bribes are roughly divided as follows: $350,000 in cash; $40,000 in Coon Dogs; $15,000 in All Terrain Vehicles (ATV's); $40,000 in trucks; $60,000 in fraudulent land deals; and, $50,000 in assorted items, including the construction of a Coon Dog kennel; paying for Coon Dog hunting trips; firearms; truck motor; wide screen television with surround sound; men's and women's clothing; air conditioner; pressure washer; Washington Wizard tickets; University of Tennessee football tickets; NASCAR tickets; tires; building materials; and, personal services (including feeding Coon Dogs, cleaning out the excrement from Coon Dog kennels, mowing lawns, etc.).
September 08, 2004
Thus Hewitt calls for Americans -- not just Republicans, but all Americans who recognize that only the Republican Party shows the will or the wit to combat our terrorist enemies abroad -- to vote for Republicans all the way up and down the ballot.
Now, as a Democrat, what can I say to that except that, because my party has been taken over by an astonishingly self-destructive bunch of lunatics who are so dazzled by Hollywood that they think their ideas make sense, I have to agree that right now, any President but Bush and any Congress but a Republican-dominated one would be disastrous.
As a Democrat, I would hope that a solid trouncing of our fanatic-ruled party at the polls this November would serve as a wakeup call and remind Democrats that they only get to do the things that the Democrat Party exists to do if they get enough votes to control the White House and Congress. Which requires that you have serious candidates and embrace serious issues that most Americans, not just tiny pressure groups, care about.
And on that day, Democratic moderates can take the party back. And yes, Democratic moderates actually exist. They're all voting for Bush this year, but they'd rather have had a Democratic candidate to vote for.
September 07, 2004
Okay, maybe it's not the team's fault. Proximity to the United Nations might be part of the problem.
The FBI has issued a warning in Lancaster County.
They suspect a terrorist may be hiding among
the Amish community.
See the attached photo provided the first clue that triggered the investigation:
September 03, 2004
Choose wisely come November, people. For my part, I dont think Teresa and her carefully groomed Boston Boy Toy need another house.
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