May 19, 2004
May 18, 2004
Stuck for the perfect gift for your female friends?
Then try the new and improved Mouse for Women.
Given the difficulties with the utilisation of the standard mouse experienced by women, the leading computer companies IBM and Microsoft have joined forces to try to find a solution to the problem.
Both companies, after many years of research and experimentation into the needs of women of all ages, have created a new mouse (ergonomically designed for female hands) and it has already had a great impact among the female population of computer users, finally ending years of problems caused by previous designs.
Introducing the new Mouse for Women ..
May 12, 2004
What "facts" about Michael Moore would you include in a documentary about him?
Here is my predictably lame attempt. Predictable not because I don't actually have a sense of humor, but rather because Michael Moore pisses me off so much that it's hard to be funny about it like Frnak.
Fun "facts" about Michael Moore
Michael Moore is actually Jabba the Hut. That is, if Jabba the Hut were much uglier, fatter and smelled worse.
When Michael Moore leaves the US to visit France, he simultaneously raises the IQ of both countries.
Twinkie sales drop, though. A lot.
Lilttle known fact: Moore played the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. His wish for a brain wasn't granted.
He did get the fat ass and ugly face, though. Yelling "You're a fictitious wizard!" probably wasn't a good idea.
Moore was voted "most likely to have his face shoved in cow shit" in high school.
He's been the subject of some eloquant ranting.
And some horrible parodies.
Most of all, Michael Moore makes me want to cold cock him before I shit on his head. And that's a fact.
One more thing: because this fetid mass of (in)humanity inspires more bile than I can keep down, I've created an acrostic to
dishonor him. Hopefully, this will lessen the pressure on my spleen.
Ode to a pretentious dickhead
Many are the things said about me:
I'm fat, a liar and a fraud
'Cause I'm a pretentious asshat.
Here's the reality for you:
Any time of the day or night,
Every one of those things is true,
Loser that I am.
Mostly, I'm a self-aggrandizing parasite.
On some days, I'll create a fake "documentary".
On others, I'll fabricate stories to hype my movies.
Really, what did you expect from me?
Evasions, distortions and bald-faced lies are my stock in trade.
Today is Wictory Wednesday. Every Wednesday I ask my readers to volunteer and/or donate to the Bush campaign if they haven't done so already. And if you have volunteered and donated, then get a friend to join you. It's the only way to defeat the lying liberal media.
If you're a blogger, you can join Wictory Wednesday simply by putting up a post like this every Wednesday, asking your readers to volunteer and/or donate to the president's re-election campaign. Be sure to visit these fine participating blogs:
What's got me in such a fury? Well, I've just finished watching the Nick Berg video. Some boils on the ass of humanity just sawed off the head of a US citizen and then danced around with it happily. My first thought was that there should be a sheet of radioactive glass where that area used to be. Also, every subsequent response. I'm sure that the mass media fuckwits are ignoring it because they're trying to avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of Americans everywhere. Yeah, sure they are. Those asstards didn't seem to mind too much showing us US atrocities which, by the way, aren't even in the same dimension, let alone league, as what those 7th century goons did. I guess when something just doesn't fit into your political agenda, it's not worth the effort. And that makes me ashamed as an American. The fact that some -not all- of those left of center believe that their ideology trumps even simple human decency makes them beneath contempt. Thanks guys. You just emboldened our enemy. Fat Teddy, I'm talking to you and others like you. Smoke on the Water has a much more eloquent post. Don't forget to check out the Emperor who's uncharacteristically short on words in his post, probably because words can't possibly convey the anger that he feels.
Udpate: Annika weighs in. Excerpt:
What does it take to slice off the head of another live, conscious human being? An innocent human being. With a knife. What is involved in that procedure? Could you do it? Do you think Private England would be capable of such a thing? Or Specialist Graner? Or General Karpinski even?
i bet even Scott Peterson couldn't do it. Not while the victim was still alive. Not with a knife.
Cutting through a fellow human's neck while they're still alive, with a knife, means slicing down through skin, severing arteries and veins, loosing a torrent of pulsing blood, sawing back and forth through thick muscle and tendon, crunching through the hollow, wheezing, screaming windpipe, hitting bone and disk, sawing again, pushing down, hearing it crunch, pop, putting your weight into it, slicing through the spinal cord, watching the body go limp, gripping the handle tight in all the slippery blood, sliding the blade through the last cords of muscle and tendon, blade striking the floor, watching the head roll forward, now just an inanimate object, though its eyes are open, then raising it, still warm, up to the camera.
Could you do that? Can you imagine the mind of someone who could? i simply can't fathom that kind of evil.
Neither can I.
Update: The Donovan puts it succinctly- Wahabism Delenda Est.
Update: Neal Boortz has more. Excerpt:
This vicious murder of an American civilian should serve to reignite the American resolve to destroy, not to appease, but to destroy the Islamic Jihadists. Now you should know that playing nice won't work. While we try to bring to justice the people responsible for the abuse of Iraqi prisoners, the Islamic fanatics cut the head off of an innocent American civilian in order to "redeem" their manhood. They're not men, they're bugs ... and they need to be squashed.
The retaliation for this vicious act must be firm, it must be swift, and it must have a violent finality. These inhuman Muslims must learn that these actions against Americans will not go unanswered ... and the answer will have a terrible finality.
May 11, 2004
It'd be too bad if you were already over the limit, though.
"How" I asked the Intern, "in the world does she think I've threatened her?"
Intern: "You've made no overt action. She feels intimidated by you, however, and wished to make an official complaint. We felt it was better to discuss the matter with you before taking any action, if necessary."
Me: "Exactly what did I do?"
Intern: "Er... nothing, really.... she said she's intimidated by you, because you talk about people and events that she knows nothing about, and she said it makes her feel stupid."
Me: "You're kidding, right?"
Intern: "We have to take it seriously, it's in the manual. "
Me: "Exactly what was it I said that got her upset?"
Intern: "She mentioned something about medical references, and once you talked about Henry VIII.... it bothers her that she doesn't understand what you're talking about most of the time. Oh, and McGuyver. "
Me: "She's upset because she doesn't know who McGuyver is?"
Go read the whole thing and be horrified.
May 10, 2004
Q: What's the difference between a wrestler and a Catholic priest?
(The answer requires some physical demonstration, so visualize along with me)
A: This is a half-nelson. ::demonstrate hold::
This is a full-nelson. ::change grip::
And this is Father Nelson. ::move hips in a humping motion::
Yes, I already know where I'm going when I die. Thanks for asking.
Once Gore was a serious thinker on environmental issues, and diligently sought out top-notch scientific advice; say what you will about his 1992 Earth in the Balance--it's an earnest, conscientious work by someone concerned with getting the details straight. Now Gore appears ready to affiliate his reputation with a cheapo third-rate disaster movie that makes Fantastic Voyage seem like a peer-reviewed technical paper. It's easy to see why MoveOn.org wants the reflection of the new movie's limelight; wild exaggeration is a good fundraising tool. But if Gore associates himself with this mindless flick, he will have completed his descent from serious thinker and national leader to MoveOn.org's sock puppet. Why would Al Gore do this to himself?
Because he's an asshat? Just asking. And now from Lumborg:
In the final minutes of the Hollywood doomsday spectacular The Day After Tomorrow, which opens in Britain at the end of the month, the US president makes a ludicrously over-the-top State of the Nation speech. It is a great deal less realistic than the performance by the undoubted star of this $125 million blockbuster of a film: a 100 ft high tidal wave that engulfs New York.
Indeed, the film loses any credibility long before that. This is not because of any one of the far-fetched incidents that occur in the course of its 125 minutes. It isn't the flash freezing of a presidential motorcade, or even the escape of man-eating wolves from New York Zoo. No, this extremely enjoyable film has been let down by the simple fact that it has got its science all wrong. None of it could happen.
Go read them both.
I guess it depends on what that decision's based upon. Anyway, via Accidental Verbosity, Reflections in d Minor and Pejman comes the following list of books. I've bolded the ones that I've read. Feel free to enter your list below or on your blog(assuming that you have one):
Achebe, Chinua - Things Fall Apart
Agee, James - A Death in the Family
Austen, Jane - Pride and PrejudiceBaldwin, James - Go Tell It on the Mountain
Beckett, Samuel - Waiting for Godot
Bellow, Saul - The Adventures of Augie March
BrontÃ«, Charlotte - Jane Eyre
BrontÃ«, Emily - Wuthering Heights
Camus, Albert - The Stranger
Cather, Willa - Death Comes for the Archbishop
Chaucer, Geoffrey - The Canterbury Tales
Chekhov, Anton - The Cherry Orchard
Chopin, Kate - The Awakening
Conrad, Joseph - Heart of Darkness
Cooper, James Fenimore - The Last of the Mohicans
Crane, Stephen - The Red Badge of Courage
Dante - Inferno
de Cervantes, Miguel - Don Quixote
Defoe, Daniel - Robinson Crusoe
Dickens, Charles - A Tale of Two Cities
Dostoyevsky, Fyodor - Crime and Punishment
Douglass, Frederick - Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
Dreiser, Theodore - An American Tragedy
Dumas, Alexandre - The Three Musketeers
Eliot, George - The Mill on the Floss
Ellison, Ralph - Invisible Man
Emerson, Ralph Waldo - Selected Essays
Faulkner, William - As I Lay Dying
Faulkner, William - The Sound and the Fury
Fielding, Henry - Tom Jones
Fitzgerald, F. Scott - The Great Gatsby
Flaubert, Gustave - Madame Bovary
Ford, Ford Madox - The Good Soldier
Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von - Faust
Golding, William - Lord of the Flies
Hardy, Thomas - Tess of the d'Urbervilles
Hawthorne, Nathaniel - The Scarlet Letter
Heller, Joseph - Catch 22
Hemingway, Ernest - A Farewell to Arms
Homer - The Iliad
Homer - The Odyssey
Hugo, Victor - The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Hurston, Zora Neale - Their Eyes Were Watching God
Huxley, Aldous - Brave New World
Ibsen, Henrik - A Doll's House
James, Henry - The Portrait of a Lady
James, Henry - The Turn of the Screw
Joyce, James - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Kafka, Franz - The Metamorphosis
Kingston, Maxine Hong - The Woman Warrior
Lee, Harper - To Kill a Mockingbird
Lewis, Sinclair - Babbitt
London, Jack - The Call of the Wild
Mann, Thomas - The Magic Mountain
Marquez, Gabriel GarcÃa - One Hundred Years of Solitude
Melville, Herman - Bartleby the Scrivener
Melville, Herman - Moby Dick
Miller, Arthur - The Crucible
Morrison, Toni - Beloved
O'Connor, Flannery - A Good Man is Hard to Find
O'Neill, Eugene - Long Day's Journey into Night
Orwell, George - Animal Farm
Pasternak, Boris - Doctor Zhivago
Plath, Sylvia - The Bell Jar
Poe, Edgar Allan - Selected Tales
Proust, Marcel - Swann's Way
Pynchon, Thomas - The Crying of Lot 49
Remarque, Erich Maria - All Quiet on the Western Front
Rostand, Edmond - Cyrano de Bergerac
Roth, Henry - Call It Sleep
Salinger, J.D. - The Catcher in the Rye
Shakespeare, William - Hamlet
Shakespeare, William - Macbeth
Shakespeare, William - A Midsummer Night's Dream
Shakespeare, William - Romeo and Juliet
Shaw, George Bernard - Pygmalion
Shelley, Mary - Frankenstein
Silko, Leslie Marmon - Ceremony
Solzhenitsyn, Alexander - One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
Sophocles - Antigone
Sophocles - Oedipus Rex
Steinbeck, John - The Grapes of Wrath
Stevenson, Robert Louis - Treasure Island
Stowe, Harriet Beecher - Uncle Tom's Cabin
Swift, Jonathan - Gulliver's Travels
Thackeray, William - Vanity Fair
Thoreau, Henry David - Walden
Tolstoy, Leo - War and Peace
Turgenev, Ivan - Fathers and Sons
Twain, Mark - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Voltaire - Candide
Vonnegut, Kurt Jr. - Slaughterhouse-Five
Walker, Alice - The Color Purple
Wharton, Edith - The House of Mirth
Welty, Eudora - Collected Stories
Whitman, Walt - Leaves of Grass
Wilde, Oscar - The Picture of Dorian Gray
Williams, Tennessee - The Glass Menagerie
Woolf, Virginia - To the Lighthouse
Wright, Richard - Native Son
May 07, 2004
(Note: My sister would kill me for this.)
Evil Glenn's first post(s):
In the beginning, I created the blogiverse.
And the 'sphere was without Alliances, and empty; and my posts were
upon the face of the Internet. And thoughts of blending puppies and
murdering hobos fill my brain.
And I said, Let there be post #1.
And I saw the post, and that it was good; and I divided my posts
from the emptiness.
And I called puppies food, and the hobos I called
victims. And my first snack and murder concluded the first post.
And I said, Let there be a blog in the midst of the
posts, and let it divide my posts from those of others.
And I created my list of links, and linked only to those
who would not challenge my power while ignoring all others; and it was so.
And I called the lists "bloggers". And the snack and murder concluded the second post.
And I said, Let the bloggers be gathered together unto one place,
and let the bloglist appear; and it was so.
And I called the list "blogroll"; and I saw that it was good.
And I said, Let the blog bring forth links to spread my influence,
ads to bring me money, which in turn increases my power over all others;
and I saw that it was good.
And the snack and murder concluded the third post.
And I said, Let there be highlights to all of my blogroll links; and let them
be my followers for days and years to come.
And let my followers increase my sphere of influence throughout
the blogiverse; and it was so.
And I made two great blog constructs; the banner to proclaim my name
and the gutter to contain all of my ads and links.
And I set them into my blog to introduce me to the blogosphere,
And to increase my power and influence until I ruled the world; and I saw that
it was good.
And the snack and murder concluded the fourth post.
And I said, Let my followers bring forth puppies of all kinds so that I
might taste them all.
And I sampled Weimereiners and Dachsunds and Poodles,
and little toy Terriers that were in abundance. And I saw that it was good.
And I told the survivors, Be fruitful and multiply that I might always
have a tasty energy drink.
And the snack and murder concluded the fifth post.
And I said, Bring me many hobos and their friend,
the Louisville slugger, that I might satisfy my impulses.
And I bonked and bonked and bonked again. And
I saw that it was good.
So I created the blogiverse and my first follower
in my own image.
And I said to them, be fruitful and multiply and
cover all the Internet, and have dominion over
all the bloggers.
And behold I give you the Instalanche pursuant to
your linking to me every day; to you it shall be
And I saw every thing that I had made and it was
very good. And the snack and murder concluded the sixth post.
And on the seventh day I ended my evil toils; and rested on
the seventh day from all of my efforts.
Which was a major screwup because the Alliance came
to be. Indeed.
I eat all night and I fart all day.
He's an asshat and he's okay.
He eats all night and farts all day.
I tell false tales, I'm full of shit,
I am a big fat liar.
I like to wear my asshat and hang around with stars.
He tells false tales; he's full of shit.
He is a big fat liar.
He likes to wear his asshat and hang around with stars.
I am slob, I wear some crap
cheap blue jeans and a cap.
I am the biggest asshat
Behind this other chap.
It can't be the same as before (I still don't have any extra time and my fingers are even more worn out than six months ago from all the godawful typing I do every day) but ohmygod the rants have been piling up in my brain and they are just dying to get out and scream themselves to whoever is wacko enough to read them.
For the first time in my life, I'm hoping that someone listens to the voices in his/her head.
May 06, 2004
Oh no! Now I'll have to stand in line to buy bread again. Darned economy.
Apparently those nifty little optical discs aren't a great choice for permanent storage.
Maybe I should have paid for a better parking space.
So long, Friends. I'll be sorry to see you go. I still have a vivid memory of the first episode:
Ross: I want to be married.
::Rachel enters wearing a wedding dress::
Chandler: I want a million dollars.
Yes, it's silly. But it's far superior to whatever faux-reality dreck the networks have been forcing down our throats. Oh, and NBC? Giving Matt LeBlanc his own show is a serious mistake. See examples #1 and #2. I'm just saying.
The Friends finale will be out on DVD 5 days after it airs. Well that didn't take long.
Coca-Cola has a new spokesperson. I already prefer Coke to Pepsi, but this will only add to my drinking pleasure.
Yes, I watched the show as a child and no, I won't be going to see it on the big screen.
What follows is a true and frightening story:
I heard him trying to break in.
I ran to the cabinet, grabbed my automatic,
slammed the clin in and chambered a round.
I was scared as I snuck down the hall to the
I also grabbed a flash light.
I opened the door as quietly as I could.
I tiptoed to the side of the house where
I heard him still working on the screen.
I turned the corner and put the flashlight
and gun in his face.
I yelled, "Hands up!" as he turned to face me.
Yep, it was a cat burglar.
Why is it that John Kerry wants us to be more like the French?
To be passed out an elementary school near you sometime in the not too distant future.
Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner...
Spider-Man is coming to a base near you.
In the latest example of a sponsor's stamp on the sports world, ads for the movie "Spider-Man 2" will be placed atop bases at 15 major league ballparks during games from June 11-13.
Update: The Yankees have balked at the idea.
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