Merry Christmas!

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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At least, for those of you that voted for Bush. more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:10 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Just received an email from a friend of mine that works in downtown Richmond which made me laugh. A lot. Excerpt:

In a great move, the Boy Scouts are out selling popcorn on 6th street. Right in front of the building the ACLU has their offices in. I had to go and buy some.

Update: Apparently WND is on the case as well.

Update: Click on this link to buy some stuff. Enter key #TE3Y29 to give the credits to Troop 828, which is now selling directly outside of ACLU headquarters.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:50 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Maralyn Lois Polak discovered, much to her horror, that some companies actually ::gasp:: supported Republicans during this last election cycle. Obviously there are companies that donated money to Democrats as well, but those don't really seem to bother her. Hey, it's her money and she can do with it what she damn well pleases. Here's the part that chapped my ass:

Read my lips: Can you spell B-O-Y-C-O-T-T?

Not to put too fine a point on it, but Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Grow up, you pissy little panty waist. I shop where I please, buy what I want and usually ignore which political party a company supports. Hey, I use Windows on my computer at home, even though I'm aware that the candidates Microsoft supports are usually from the Dean/Schumer/Kucinich nutjob wing of their party. Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream gives a portion of their profits to causes I probably wouldn't give to if my hair were on fire, but I sure do like their ice cream. I don't drink coffee from Starbucks, but that's because I don't drink coffee at all. I happen to believe that the money a company earns belongs to it, and it can damn well give money to whatever effing political party it wants. Sure, if I found out that they were investing in child pornography or more episodes of Cop Rock, that would be a different matter; I'd be lighting the torches and sharpening the pitchforks myself. But this obsession with inserting politics into everything has become ridiculous. Here's an FYI: politics ain't life.

It's funny, though. I've been reading Polack's columns at WND for years and she used to be pretty reasonable about most things. Lately, well, she's become unglued. And I can pretty much tell when her brain left the building: when Bush won the 2000 presidential election. Some formerly sensible people became raving, frothing at the mouth loons simply because the guy that they voted for lost. Grow up, you pansies. Lots of people I've voted for have lost; many others have won. When I didn't like the result, I started working towards the next election cycle to try and figure out a way to win. I guess that that is too much like work for some of you. Grabbing your ball and heading home to whine appears to be your favorite modus operandi. Thanks for the heads up; I like to know what kind of people I'm dealing with. Knowing in advance that some of you are children, and whiny brattish ones at that, makes dealing with you a lot simpler. Now go to your chair; you're in timeout.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:42 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Rachel Lucas is back in business. She stated that she would no longer censor herself; then she woke up.

And there was much rejoicing: yaaayy.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:46 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Merry Christmas. And before anyone tells me in the comments, yes, I am aware that I've greased the skids to Hell. At least the handbasket's ride is less bumpy now.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 06:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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And here's one that you won't want to see.

more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:59 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Posting this last year garned me my first(and last) link from Vox. His comment? "The X Files: gone, but not forgotten." Anyway, here it is. Again.
===========================================

57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or some THING.

Scully: Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD.

Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully,they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I --

Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear?

Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:56 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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                            IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

 As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am 
 pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

 1.  No known species of reindeer can fly.  But, there are 300,000 
 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and, while most of
 these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
 flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen).

 2.  There are 2 billion children (persons under 1
 in the world. But, since
 Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and 
 Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 
 million according to the Population Reference Bureau.  At an average 
 (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million 
 homes.  One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

 3.  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the 
 different time zones and the rotation of the earth; assuming he 
 travels east to west(which seems logical).  This works out to
 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that, for each Christian
 household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second
 to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the 
 stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat 
 whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into 
 the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of
 these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth,
 (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes
 of our calculations we will accept) we are now talking
 about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, 
 not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
 every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

 This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 
 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the 
 fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe,
 moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second -a conventional reindeer
 can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

 4.  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. 
 Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego 
 set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting 
 Santa (who is invariably described as overweight).  On land, 
 conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting 
 that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal
 amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.  We need
 214,200 reindeer (a rounded figure).  This increases the payload -
 not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
 Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen
 Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

 5.  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates an enormous 
 amount of heat when you factor in the air resistance - this will heat the
reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's 
 atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION
(14,300,000,000,000,000) joules of energy.  Per second.
  Each!  In short, they will burst into flame almost
 instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create 
 deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team
 will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa,
 meanwhile, will be subjected to forces 17,500.06 times greater
 than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
 would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by  4,315,015 pounds of force.

 In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, 
 he's dead now.
--------------------------------------------------------------

The response
-------------
  The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on 
  classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of 
  quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As 
  it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air 
  over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous 
  precision.  The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of 
  children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and 
  the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known 
  with tremendous precision.  His direction of flight is, as you say, 
  essentially east to west.
 
  All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of 
  Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision.  An 
  elementary application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle yields 
  the result that Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas 
  Eve, is highly imprecise.  In other words, he is "smeared out" over 
  the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an 
  electron is "smeared out" within a certain distance from the nucleus 
  in an atom.  Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any 
  given moment.
 
  In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can 
  attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, 
  to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole.  
  Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics 
  of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but 
  then so do black holes, and who really doubts their existence 
  anymore?

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Some people have no clue. Excerpt:

But Times polling has shown the unpopularity of gay marriage and driver's licenses for illegals. A February survey found that 32% of California voters thought same-sex couples should be allowed to marry, 40% supported civil unions without marriage and 23% favored neither.

A Times poll in October found that 63% of voters supported Schwarzenegger's veto of a driver's license bill.

Voters also have spoken directly: In 2000, 61% approved an initiative declaring that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid in California. In 1994, 59% voted for an initiative to bar illegal immigrants from nonemergency public services, although much of that measure was scuttled by courts.

But the champions of these causes are undeterred.

I'm sure that they are.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:37 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Apparently there's a new Rottweiler in town, and this time it's one of the feline persuasion.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:15 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I've been very lax about updating the MuNu pulldown menu over in my gutter. However, I believe that it is now up to date. Any MuNuvians who think I've missed them, drop me a line and I will add you.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:14 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Harvey will remember this one from last year. It still warms the icy cold cockles of my heart when I read it. ::sniff::
=================================================

My Christmas Story

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was
loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I
was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath,
I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years
old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he
was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten
lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had
three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years
old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to
save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young
boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take
the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the
hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And
nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and
sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken
boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
forhelp.

So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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And another from the not-so-wayback machine. For the record, I LIKE to kick 'em while they're down.
=================================

No holiday season would be complete without swatting the smug grin off of Martha Stewart's face. I give you the following:

When you read or listen to Martha Stewart's hints and advice, do you think to yourself "I could do that"? Then, you follow that thought with "What is wrong with me? Am I just a waste of good air?"

If this is you, then read on ...

MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDAR

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turnupside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '98

December 8
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with
beeswax from my backyard bee colony.

December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument
accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved
ones.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled
myself.

Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by
handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself
used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local
orphanages.

December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive
branches, to signify desire of world peace.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge!

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

Sincerely,

A Hopeful "Child"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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As the parent of a thriving 2 month old girl, I almost wept when I read this article. This poor girl was born without most of the bones in her face, meaning she will undergo more than 30 operations during which surgeons will try to construct a face for her. Anyway, the family has set up a savings account to help defray the prohibitive costs of the medical bills. Give if you see fit; it is the season, after all.

Donations can be made at ANY Vystar Credit Union to Juliana Wetmore at member number 2102465.

Direct donations can be sent to:

Juliana Wetmore
3018 Hickory Glenn Dr.
Orange Park, FL 32065

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:23 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Well, I can't get the images to tile the way I want them to, so I'll post them in as they are.
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