Funny, but a bit sad, too

I've filed this under the humor tag, but find some of the changes to be a bit sad. Anyhoo, here's a list contrasting 1973 with 2007. Excerpt:

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007: PedroÂ’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and PedroÂ’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he canÂ’t speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973: Ants die.

2007: BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, JohnnyÂ’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Pwning some silly hotlinker: priceless

Apparently someone at the HuffPo hotlinked an image from the Family Research Council. Well, the Evangelical Output did what I normally do to hotlinkers: moved a different image into that file name. The results are quite amusing. As I type this, the HuffPo still hasn't been fixed.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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It's Monday again

Received via email:
===================================================

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy. She walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different; you didn't tell me that you had a prescription."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Comedy gold

This is sure to spawn a whole new generation of West Virginia jokes.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Circle flies

Received via email:

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.



The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.



As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle Flies
there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah,
if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies." So the cowboy says,
"Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies
because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."



The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"



The cowboy says, "No, Sir. I have too much respect for law enforcement and
police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."



The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the
ticket.



After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:00 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I really shouldn't read this stuff at work

Reading Iowahawk at work will probably get me fired one day. It might be worth it, too. Excerpt:

BILL: That's right Ann, you emaciated Eva Braun sideshow freak. By supporting this good citizenship effort, you will ensure that America's outspoken pundit community has the book and TV and speaking contracts we need to pay the critically important mortgages on our Laurel Canyon ranch homes.

ANN: And Manhattan apartments! So take it from me and my venereal diseased, dwarf-penis pinko fag colleague Bill - don't be a player hater. Stop the indignation, because there are enough zippy assassination one-liners for everyone. The next time you are repulsed by something we say, remember:

That is some seriously funny stuff there.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:03 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Humor break

Received via email:

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is see below the fold for details: more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:20 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I don't think it means what you think it means

When Dr. Ruth tells you, "I'd hit it", she might be referring to her skills as a sniper from her days in the Israeli Defense Force.

In a tangential note, reading about Dr. Ruth reminds me of Sam Kinison's little jab at her:

Who is this dried up old woman offering sex advice to people?

::mimicking Dr. Ruth:: First, you must take the man's penis...

Yeah, when's the last time you saw a man's penis? Were there cars back then, or did you suck dick on horseback, Annie Oakley?"

I had the pleasure of seeing Kinison live in concert, back before he became a household name. He was quite funny, and incredibly loud. I swear that they de-amplified his voice, because he sound quieter when yelling into the microphone.

Let me leave you with Kinison's appearance on Married With Children, part 1 and part 2.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Health Awareness

Older than the hills humor to follow, but I just re-received in an email and thought that I would take 5 minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride!

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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how to be a good neighbor

I received the following email and thought it was pretty funny. What's even better is that it is a true story:

A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood. He had a beautiful view of the east mountains until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built.

Apparently the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings. The new neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense.

Recently Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found... (see pictures in the extended entry)

more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:44 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Sad news

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
  
• Why the early bird gets the worm;
  
• Life isn't always fair and,
  
• Maybe it was my fault.
  

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:19 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Instant classic

I don't know how Iowahawk does it, but I sure wish that I could do it.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:36 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Because the truth hurts sometimes

That's why I posted this picture:

more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:12 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Instant classic

But then it's Iowahawk, so it's not entirely unexpected.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This fits

This won't surprise anyone who actually knows me, including my beloved wife:

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

Thanks, Val. I needed a good laugh.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:04 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I guess that I need to STFU

Annie provides a link to a great spoof of the OS war commercials.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:08 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I'm going to hell

Emily linked this website which made me laugh. A lot.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:21 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A documentary about me

Check out this "article". It contains pretty good pictures of me, although I'll admit that I've gained a little weight since they were taken.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:09 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Food for thought

From this week's Sportspickle:

Ponder This...
...
Phil Mickelson bragged in the lead up to his season debut at last weekendÂ’s Bob Hope Classic that he had dropped 25 pounds in the offseason. Little good it did him. He fired a final round 6-over 78 and finished in 45th place, 10 shots behind the leaders. Clearly Mickelson just doesnÂ’t get it. We donÂ’t watch him in hopes heÂ’ll play great golf thanks to his physical fitness. Just like no one would like Pamela Anderson any more if she took acting classes or began wearing tasteful and conservative turtlenecks. Phil, we watch you because in the midst of a four or five hour broadcast in which dorky men stroll past our screen in khakis and polo shirts, you offer us delicious eye candy in the form of bouncy, voluptuous breasts. Once you lose those youÂ’re nothing but another shmoe in Dockers who loses to Tiger Woods every week.
...
Here is my Page 2 column from Monday. I should mention that I’ve always had a certain perception about the average, rank-and-file Boston sports fan – both from firsthand interaction and from observing them from afar through the media. And the perception is this: the average, rank-and-file Boston sports fan is an insufferable douche bag who leaves much to be desired in the intelligence department. But I have always been one who is willing to admit when I am wrong. So today I will do that, as the e-mails I received from Patriots fans in response to the column above showed me the error of my ways and I must apologize. The average, rank-and-file Boston sports fan is not an insufferable douche bag who leaves much to be desired in the intelligence department. Far from it. They are actually very nearly mentally retarded, if not legitimately disabled, and for that they should be helped, not vilified. (Seriously, Boston douchery – you didn’t pick up on that column being tongue-in-cheek? You honestly believed I really Tom Brady and Bill Belichick will never win a Super Bowl, even though they have won three already? Really? Wow. Just wow.)

This one's gonna become a weekly read, just like TMQ.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Men are just happier people

Received via email:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station rest-room because this one is
just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000.Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:25 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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