March 26, 2009
Yeah, I know: I'm a giver.
Did you hear the one about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
The newspaper headlines read "small medium at large."
An American businessman is visiting Japan.
The first night there, he's getting bored, so he hires a local hooker and they go at it all night. She keeps screaming "Fugifoo! Fugifoo!" and he takes this to mean he's doing something right.
The next day, he's out golfing with his Japanese clients and shoots a hole in one! He can't believe it, and, trying to impress his clients with his knowledge of Japanese, he shouts triumphantly, "Fugifoo!"
The Japanese guys stop and look at him, confused. "What are you talking about?" they ask. "That's the right hole."
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said,"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought,"I don't fucking think so."
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him. They kiss....and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy l-o-v-e.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me
home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
March 23, 2009
Update: Watch this before watching the commercial below. It will provide the context. Besides, it's truly a beautiful sight to behold.
March 20, 2009
- "Kevin Eubanks, how are ya, man? Is Jay letting you come in through the front entrance yet? No? It's okay, I do the same thing to Biden."
- Yeah, John McCain and I get along. Although he always freezes me out when I try to give him a high five! [audience groans] What, too soon?"
- "Sarah Palin and I don't talk much, 'cause I don't speak Tardese. 'Doy! Durr! Look at my dumb baby!' [audience member boos] Oh, lighten up."
- "Another great thing about LA is all the fags. [audience hisses] OK, OK, Faggot-Americans. Hey, I got no problem with it. After all, I did hire Rahm Emmanuel!"
- "You know what cracks me up? Chinese people. [sticks front teeth over bottom lip and pushes back corners of eyes] 'Herro, Mistel Plesident!'"
March 18, 2009
No. 9 Siena (26-7)
"So what if a fictional character is the most famous person from Siena College? Laugh it up. But you won't be laughing when we win the fictional national championship."
-- Det. Olivia Benson, character on "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit," supposedly a graduate of Siena
No. 7 Boston College (22-11)
"I filled out two brackets this year. So I actually picked Boston College to win it all before I picked against them."
-- Sen. John Kerry, Boston College Law School '76
No. 8 BYU (25-7)
"I am excited about the Cougars' chances in the NCAA tournament. If they win it all, I have half a mind to go crazy and celebrate by wearing a Brooks Brothers button-down during a TV interview instead of a suit and tie. Who knows, I could even go with a sensible polo shirt?"
-- Mitt Romney, BYU '71
No. 7 California (22-10)
"Twenty-two wins. Tied for third in the Pac-10. Only a seven-seed? Getting very angry."
-- Bill Bixby, attended Cal
No. 13 Portland State (23-9)
"I like basketball. I remember one time Hef took me to a Lakers game and all of a sudden I was like: 'Hef, I don't see any baskets! It's just some netting connected to a metal circle. They should call it netting-and-metal-circle-ball.' And Kendra was like: 'Straight up, yo!' Ohmigod, it was so funny."
-- Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner's one-time girlfriend on "Girls Next Door," attended Portland State
No. 6 UCLA (25-
"What? Screw Siena. Go Bruins!"
-- Mariska Hargitay, plays Det. Olivia Benson on "Law & Order: SVU," attended UCLA
More found here.
March 11, 2009
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