January 26, 2007
Phil Mickelson bragged in the lead up to his season debut at last weekends Bob Hope Classic that he had dropped 25 pounds in the offseason. Little good it did him. He fired a final round 6-over 78 and finished in 45th place, 10 shots behind the leaders. Clearly Mickelson just doesnt get it. We dont watch him in hopes hell play great golf thanks to his physical fitness. Just like no one would like Pamela Anderson any more if she took acting classes or began wearing tasteful and conservative turtlenecks. Phil, we watch you because in the midst of a four or five hour broadcast in which dorky men stroll past our screen in khakis and polo shirts, you offer us delicious eye candy in the form of bouncy, voluptuous breasts. Once you lose those youre nothing but another shmoe in Dockers who loses to Tiger Woods every week.
Here is my Page 2 column from Monday. I should mention that Ive always had a certain perception about the average, rank-and-file Boston sports fan both from firsthand interaction and from observing them from afar through the media. And the perception is this: the average, rank-and-file Boston sports fan is an insufferable douche bag who leaves much to be desired in the intelligence department. But I have always been one who is willing to admit when I am wrong. So today I will do that, as the e-mails I received from Patriots fans in response to the column above showed me the error of my ways and I must apologize. The average, rank-and-file Boston sports fan is not an insufferable douche bag who leaves much to be desired in the intelligence department. Far from it. They are actually very nearly mentally retarded, if not legitimately disabled, and for that they should be helped, not vilified. (Seriously, Boston douchery you didnt pick up on that column being tongue-in-cheek? You honestly believed I really Tom Brady and Bill Belichick will never win a Super Bowl, even though they have won three already? Really? Wow. Just wow.)
This one's gonna become a weekly read, just like TMQ.
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station rest-room because this one is
just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
January 09, 2007
Update: I see that Ace liked the picture, too.
January 08, 2007
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
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