April 30, 2008
Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres aired on TV & Radio, some familiar but all the better for being collated into a handy package . . .
- Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
- New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
- Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
- Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
- US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'
- Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
- A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
- Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
- Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
- Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
- Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
- Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
April 29, 2008
Roger Clemens, disguised in sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat, snuck into the hotel. When he opened the door to his room, he saw that his girlfriend was packing her suitcase.
"What are you doing?, he asked.
"I'm leaving you,", she replied. "I just found out that you're a pedophile."
"Pedophile, eh? That's a mighty big word for an eight year old."
April 24, 2008
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
"I'm lost," says the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly",' the Chinese man says, "but on one condition." "If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'". "OK," the man replies, and enters the house.
Over dinner, the daughter comes down the stairs. She is young and beautiful, with a fantastic body. She is obviously attracted to the young man and can't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignores her and goes up to bed alone. During the night he can bear it no longer and sneaks into her room for a night of passion. He is careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he creeps back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He wakes to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he sees a large rock on his chest with a note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thinks. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picks the boulder up, walks over to the window and throws the boulder out. As he does,he notices another note on it that reads: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glances down and sees the rope, getting very close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones is better than castration, he jumps out of the window after the boulder. Plummeting towards the ground, he sees a large sign on the ground that reads, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."
See, it's true: too much unprotected sex can kill you.
April 23, 2008
Received via email:
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"
April 21, 2008
The men constantly fight over who gets the one woman, so they decide they will switch who her "husband" is every week. Everything works out fine and they are all happy.
10 years later, the woman dies.
1st day: Things really aren't to bad
2nd day: Somethings missing, but it's still alright
3rd day: Now things are starting to get not so fun
4th day: It's starting to get really bad.
5th day: Really.....really bad.
6th day: Absolutely horrible.
7th day: They bury her.
April 16, 2008
Damn. I did it again. Oh well, excerpt:
#4.Smilodons (Sabre-Toothed Tigers)
Used to be ...
Anyone who has seen 10,000 BC (and escaped with their IQ intact) knows about Smilodons. With eight-inch blade-like teeth, these cats were the top predators of the late Pliestocine, and were the last dominant predators before our ancestors came along. They traveled in packs, the sight of which would make our ancestors crap their pants from miles away.
The Crappy Evolutionary Spin-off:
You're probably thinking tigers here, but actually marsupials are all that is left of the classic Sabre-Tooth Cat (the felines were another branch on the evolutionary tree) so, sadly, the closest genetic connection remains adorable Koala Bears, Kangaroos and Opossums. The most common of these is the Opossum, most often seen in their natural habitat (the local freeway) in their instinctive 'bloody smear along the road' stance.
Though there is one marsupial still holding its ground: the Tasmanian Devil. The usual response to a natural sighting of these godless killing machines tends to be "HOLY SHIT A TASMANIAN DEVIL LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HE-(screams of agony)." It feasts on the dead and dying and leaves nothing but crushed bone and echoes of blood-curdling screams in its path.
I recently explained to my son that the Tasmanian Devil was real, although it in no way resembled the funny, stupid critter he had seen on Bugs Bunny.
April 14, 2008
April 10, 2008
April 07, 2008
A man was walking across the road when he met the accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatosed for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When open his eyes, his wife was there beside him.
He held her hands and said meaningfully : "You have always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying.."
She squeezed his hands as he continued :"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply..."
He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."
Then I finally got another job after being laid off for sometime. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I join the company till now...And you were there beside me."
Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband :"And now I met an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me........There's something I'd really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, and sobbing with emotion.
He said..., " I think you really bring me bad luck.."
April 01, 2008
Kudos to Frank J. on his first byline, albeit one shared with Mr. Goldberg.
Link via Neal Boortz.
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