July 19, 2005
July 18, 2005
Too bad I don't have Photoshop or I would have made these pictures a Filthy Lie about Evil Glenn, proving that he loves women almost as much as he loves puppies. In any event, if any of you single ladies out there are still searching for Mister Right, I submit the following 3 entries for your approval. #1:
It's not often that you see such love and compassion, protecting those women from the discomfort that they would suffer on the hard seat of a tractor. Now it's time for #2:
A chauvinist would have carried the larger carton of beverages, thereby demonstrating that he thinks women are the weaker sex. This man is a true feminist. And now for the final entry, here is #3 nominee for Man of the Year:
Such a man. He allows this woman to get the exercise she craves, all the while pacing steps ahead so as not to bother her while he indulges in his vice. Truly, a man among men.
July 14, 2005
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMAS WORT
Plant extract that treats moms depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldnt wait till they moved out.
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, You make me want to be a better person...Can we get naked now?
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
Relieves headache caused by a man who cant remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to put the toilet seat back down.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
July 13, 2005
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
July 11, 2005
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and sometimes alter the taste of finger foods.
* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
* A centerpiece for the table should not be something prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners
DATING (Outside the Family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the FIRST date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby. and picked up immediately, after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* When kissing the bride, it's impolite to use your tongue.
* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt is considered tacky in some circles
* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires and the most guns in the rack always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
* Do not lay rubber when leaving a funeral or burial site.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
* Never take beer to a job interview, leave it outside.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church, no matter how long the sermon.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered poor taste to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Cheese: You want a beer or somethin'?
Rowling: Thank you, but I'll pass. I'm not much of a drinker.
Cheese: Suit yourself. Can you grab me one, though? I'm parched.
Rowling: Excuse me?
Cheese: A beer. I could use one. They're on the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Rowling: ... ... ... Well, I... I guess.
J.K. walks to my refrigerator and hands me a beer.
Cheese: Thanks, honeynipples. You're a good woman. Hey, you kinda look like that chick from Twisted Sister.
Cheese: You know, [sings] "I wanna rock! ROCK! Duh duh da duh, duh duh da duh, DAAH DAAH! I wanna ROCK! ROCK!"
Rowling: Oh, you mean the band-
Cheese: "ROCK! Duh duh da duh, duh duh da duh, DAAH DAAH! I want - to - ROCK! ROCK!"
Rowling: Yes, I understand who you're talking about. That's not a "chick." It's Dee Snider.
Cheese: "Chick," "woman," whatever. I don't know what you people call yourselves these days. In another month, you'll change it again anyway.
July 06, 2005
Man, I just dont get it. There are lots of other American groups who are joining us against Bushs crusade, like David Duke and Fred Phelps and Stormfront. But who do I get automatically lumped in with? East Village Rage Against My Allowance fuckwits in Fred Perry tracksuits who cant figure out the controls on an iPod, let alone an international revolution.
I love the smell of lunacy in the morning. But not hippies. I mean really. Ugh.
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