Received via email...
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her __expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Yes, I received this from a female. So what? It made me laugh.]

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahula, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:09 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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But it isn't enough

Here's a new game show that's specifically designed for modern day eunuchs.

I don't know any guy who would willingly subject himself to potential downside of being a contestant.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:51 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I believe in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live there needs to be a message of hope. Just a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace and joy. An image that suggests the universal brotherhood of man. I have found that image, and I ask that all of you take a moment to be inspired by it. more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:36 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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An oldie, but it still makes me laugh.
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Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior-And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:31 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Found in an old email...
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Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.

The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.

"Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"

The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy whose dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:49 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Yeah, it's a repost, but what can you do?
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Yes, this post is likely to get me whacked by some humorless people out there.
---------------------------------

Stuck for the perfect gift for your female friends?

Then try the new and improved ‘Mouse for Women’.

Given the difficulties with the utilisation of the standard mouse experienced by women, the leading computer companies IBM and Microsoft have joined forces to try to find a solution to the problem.

Both companies, after many years of research and experimentation into the needs of women of all ages, have created a new mouse (ergonomically designed for female hands) and it has already had a great impact among the female population of computer users, finally ending years of problems caused by previous designs.

Introducing the new ‘Mouse for Women’…..

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:59 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Found the following buried in an email from about 10 years ago. The author is purportedly John Scalzi, author of Old Man's War and The Ghost Brigades, both of which I highly recommend. In any event, here goes:

With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. America Online spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.

America Online: Thanks for talking to us.

Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? (takes out a packet of small green pellets) I've been in a rush recently.

AOL: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind.

EB: Ready when you are.

AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: "We all now that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?"

EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's located in San Bernardino, California.

AOL: San Bernardino?

EB: That's right.

AOL: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island.

EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresheggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need.

AOL: Elves?

EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.

AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.

EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.

AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: "Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty,or the Easter Puppy?"

EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole "bunny" thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.

AOL: What happened?

EB: It just didn't work out. The komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone.

AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: "Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millenia?"

EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents -

AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?

EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. "Easter Bunny" is a job description, not a proper name. It's like "Postal Carrier," except our employees very rarely become disgruntled.

AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?

EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.

AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?

EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can't afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.

AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?

EB: I don't want to name names. But one bunny who's making a living in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd back away and start snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.

AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.

EB: Prozac helps.

AOL: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to know what are the occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.

EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you for being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?

AOL: What?

EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there. Man, that's embarrassing.

AOL: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She writes:
"How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It seems like Santa gets all the attention."
And I have to say, I did notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.

EB (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don't want to say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I do. Professionally, we get along fine.

AOL: But privately?

EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?

AOL: Uh.....sure.

EB: He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom. For one thing, he's a prima donna: always me, me, me, where's my highball, where's my corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I'd rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he's totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and bellowing "Rosebud!" from the top of his lungs.

AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.

EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same job. Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving perishable stuff. You can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldn't stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space Shuttle with fruitcake.

AOL: We're sure you have your own fans.

EB: It's like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.

AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; "Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?"

EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it's not impossible.

AOL: That still leaves the male part.

EB: We're quibbling on details, here.

AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.

EB: Sorry. We tried that in '78.

Update: John Scalzi dropped by the comments and verified that he is indeed the author of the piece above. I'm going to send him an email asking if it's okay for me to leave the piece posted here, as long as I give him the appropriate credit.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:57 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my
finger" trick.

17. Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5 year olds.

14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen
TV.

13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark

11. Didn't bring balloons but managed to twist your dachshund into other
animal shapes.

10. Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the
joint."

9. NOt exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

8. Wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than in his pants.

6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of
showing charts and
complaining about the deficit.

5. A sad clown is one thing - a clown who spends the entire party with a
gun to his temple is another
thing entirely.

4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

3. Business cards include the phrase, "From the mind of Stephen King."

2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
and the number 1 sign you've hired the wrong clown for your child's party
. .
1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. "

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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An Irishman staggered home late after another evening at the pub with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeded to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, “Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those damn Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:38 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Then the time breakdown in the graphic below should look very familiar to you. Click on the thumbnail below for a larger image:

Found via this guy.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:23 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 33 words, total size 1 kb.

Received via email this morning:

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder: IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- The car isn't washed

- The bills aren't paid

- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

- The flowers don't have enough water,

- There is still only 1 check in my check book,

- I can't find the remote,

- I can't find my glasses,

- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

I'm not laughing. Add in picking up children's toy and books and this pretty much captures my Saturdays.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:45 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I thought I would let you in on a little secret I've found for developing my arm and shoulder muscles.  You might wish to adopt this regimen, 3 days a week.
 
I started by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand.  I extended my arms straight out to my sides and held them there as long as I could..
 
After a few weeks, I moved up to the 10 pound potato sacks,  then to 50 pound sacks, and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight our for more than a full minute.
 
Next, I started putting a few potatoes in each sack.   But I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:57 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.

The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK(tm).

Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.

Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.

How does this revolutionary, unbelievably easy invention work?

Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy program of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.

To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".

Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side. By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK(tm). No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it working.

BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginning as a location finder for any required information sequence.

A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOK(tm)mark. This enables the user to pick up his program where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOK(tm)mark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK(tm).

The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK(tm), small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.

Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.

BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.

Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 07:55 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Are you familiar with Bruce Cameron? He's the guy who wrote 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, which, in turn, became a sitcom. Anyway, he's been writing columns for a lot of years now and I just stumbled across the one where Bruce decides to take up a new hobby: brewing beer. I've reprinted it in its entirety here, along with the link to Bruce Cameron's website.

Ale's Well That Ends Well

Copyright 2001 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

Believing that maybe it would help my relationship with my 12-year-old son if
we had a common hobby, I bought him a beer-making kit. My wife seemed to think that the situation called for female incredulity.

"You got your son a BEER-making kit?" she demands. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Hey, you were the one who said we needed to do more things together," I point out.

"So you picked drinking beer," she scoffs.

"Of course not. He'll only make it. I'LL be the one drinking it,"I respond. I hold my hands up in a representation of harmonious balance in the universe.

She fixes me with a scorching look that I recognize from early in our marriage, when I tried to train her to bring me snacks during football games,
but I will not be deterred. "It's very scientific," I declare. "Fermentation. Carbonation."

"Intoxication?"

My son is even less enthusiastic. "It smells bad; you DRINK this stuff?" he sniffs, stirring the batch of malt and hops.

"Yes, but not until there is alcohol in it," I explain with fatherly wisdom.

"Alcohol is a by-product of fermentation," he quotes, looking through the little handbook. He squints at me. "You'll be drinking yeast pee."

"Real men don't read directions," I advise.

When we're finished, my home brew sits tightly sealed in a plastic keg.

"This is the pressure valve," I lecture my son. "The yeast builds up carbon dioxide, which escapes out the valve; otherwise there would be an explosion that would level houses in a four-block area."

I'm hoping this will excite him, but he's been reading the manual again. "Carbon dioxide is another waste by-product," he intones.

"Yes."

"In other words, yeast farts."

For three days, the mixture sits implacably inside the plastic vessel, as exciting as a bucket of paint. Concerned, I sneak in a little more sugar to get the yeast motivated. "You're not supposed to do that, Dad," my son warns.

The next day, the yeast have suddenly sprung to life, bubbling and hissing as
they busily produce waste products. Impatient, I pull on the little tap, pouring an ounce of muddy liquid into a glass and taking a sip.

"Does it taste like beer?" my son asks anxiously.

"Maybe beer that's already been through somebody," I respond ruefully.

That night my son prods me awake. "Dad, the beer is calling you."

My wife gives me a frown, as this is exactly the excuse I give her whenever I
meet my buddies at the sports bar. "What do you mean?"I ask him.

He shrugs. "You sort of need to come hear it. It's making noises."

My wife puts her hand on my arm. "Could it be dangerous?" she inquires anxiously.

I laugh. "Of course not. How could beer be dangerous? Beer Is Our Friend."

I follow my son out into the kitchen and, at his urging, put my ear to the plastic keg. He's right: There is some sort of creaking noise emitting from the seams around the edge of the thing. Through the thick, dark plastic, I can see that the yeast has rioted, filling the vessel with foam.

"Maybe you put in too much sugar," he worries. "Should I start calling people
in a four-block area?"

"Nonsense. More sugar just means a higher alcohol content. How could that be bad?" But his question has drawn my attention to the filter, which should be allowing yeast farts to escape. Instead, it looks locked in place, a little button that should be bobbing up and down.

I reach out a finger.

"Dad " my son starts to say.

The moment I pry at the valve it fires straight up like a bullet, the little button gone in an instant. The entire contents of the keg follow half a second later, a thick spray of foam coating everything in the kitchen. I don't even have time to blink and it is over, except that a steady rain of gooey sludge comes down on my head from the ceiling.

Tilting my jaw, I'm able to catch a few drops in my mouth. My wife bursts into the kitchen and stares at me, shocked.

"Not bad," I tell her, licking my lips.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:53 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I loved the Chronicles of Narnia movie. I even pointed out to my wife that the light pole came from [SPOILER REMOVED!!] when [EDITED FOR SPOILERS]. Anyway, Jay Pinkerton has a slightly different take on it. Excerpt to follow, but you need to read the whole thing so that I won't be the only person holding in gales of laughter at work.

Narnia, on the other hand, is like the K-Mart discount bin of mythology. Every monster or creature you've ever heard of is incoherently tossed in with the animal kingdom, and now they all talk. I like fantasy as much as the next sixth level cleric, but the bare minimum for me is knowing the author gave his ridiculous shit more thought than I'll have to. Narnia comes off like a shitty Trapper-Keeper drawing by a twelve-year-old who plays Dungeons & Dragons and really likes the zoo. In one scene a pair of badgers have a conversation with Santa Claus, and in another a human on a talking horse does battle with the White Witch of the North while griffins divebomb centaurs, and your headÂ’s just spinning from the random senselessness of it.

Let me break this down for Harry Potter fans, since there seem to be a lot of you: it'd be like if someone rewrote the Harry Potter books, and instead of having a clearly defined world populated by a hierarchy of wizards and witches where everything makes consistent sense within the reality of that world, Harry Potter was suddenly teaming up with Merlin, Robin Hood and Zeus to fight the Easter Bunny and a talking elephant that's also Ganesha. I hope your reaction would be "What the fuck?"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:58 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Come on, the chronicles are books designed to be read to children at bedtime. they are: 1/ morality plays 2/ aimed at young children 3/ often filled with drolljibes about contemporary England. The end of one book tells how the incompetent head of the school "was put in charge of other heads, but that didn't work out, so she went into politics, where she lived happily ever after." (Come to think of it, that still fits today.) If you want to understand where C S Lewis was coming from, read "The Screwtape Letters," (or better yet, get the audio book of John Cleese reading the letters.)

Posted by: frank borger at May 12, 2006 02:13 PM (kM4vx)

2 You seem to have misread Pinkerton's review as my own. I did mention how much I enjoyed the series. And I'm fairly well versed in Lewis' work, seeing as I own copies of The Screwtape Letters and Mere Christianity.

Posted by: physics geek at May 12, 2006 02:33 PM (Xvrs7)

3 Hi, I do not think there were any stinking badgers ; were they not beavers? What a dunce. I had heard that Narnia was good, so I bought it for my niece and nephew and then got it from Netflix. I gave it 5 stars. I did not bother to read the whole Pinkerton post. It did not seem worthy of the effort. The guy is obviously an arrogant fool. Mike

Posted by: Mike at May 17, 2006 11:28 PM (3p7Up)

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It was better than Cats

The Only News Source You'll Ever Need posts a thoughtful essay about the dish best served cold. And by thoughtful, I mean fat and gay. Just an FYI.

I could excerpt from the damned thing, but I'd rather someone else get busted at work for laughing at crap like this.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:43 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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And, finally, Washington insiders are talking about a terrorist captured at the airport in Little Rock, Ark. He claimed to be a teacher, but Transportation Security Administration authorities found in his possession a compass, protractor and calculator. He has been identified by the Justice Department as belonging to the notorious al-Gebra group and charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:27 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.  Father Bill says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.  He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.  Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.  The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks.  The first nun cannot resist temptation, suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.  Startled, he drops one of the bars of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.  Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.  So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:48 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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