October 31, 2005

Your turn

Outside the Beltway hosts what is quite possibly the best caption contest in the history of the Internet. OUtside of midget pr0n sites, that is. Anyway, go be creative. Or perverted. Your choice.

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When the cat's away...

It's comment party time!

Harvey, you know not what you've done. Mheh.

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Time waster

Via the Corner comes this little game: Tetris with cats.

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October 28, 2005

Help Meryl find a job

Meryl Yourish is now looking for work. Having been in that unfortunate position before, I'm willing to do what I can. I've forwarded the link to her online qualifications to a few friends of mine in the area, and am posting a link here as well.

Anyone else out there think that they can help? Click here.

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'Till we kill the white people

The recent comments by the brain donor from N.C. State reminded me immediately of a classic SNL skit starring Eddie Murphy. He was the "last minute replacement" at what looked like, if memory serves, an American Legion get together. Can't find the video online yet(although it's available to purchase at Amazon), but I did find the lyrics with guitar chords. Good stuff.

Update: Found a copy of the video, but it's huge(around 40Mb), which is a ton if you're still using dial-up. However, it's not TOO bad on broadband, so check it out if you if you're into that sort of thing.

Probably something smaller to be found on BitTorrent. Just an FYI.

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Words that do not belong in the same sentence, in this particular order

The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative. WTF? I mean really, WTF?! Not to go into too much nausea-inducing detail, here's an excerpt from the FAQ:

What does Hufu ™ taste like? Does it taste like human flesh?
Hufu™ is designed to resemble, as humanly possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. If you've never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.

People: the other white meat. Ugh.

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October 27, 2005

Test your coordination

Interesting little hand-eye test found here. Made it to 19.358 seconds on my third try and decided to stop

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Gag me with a spoon

Or a donut; whatever it takes.

Tip of the bile to Ace.

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October 26, 2005

This could be trouble

For all you men out there who, like me, hate shopping with a passion, there's a new invention that may one day force you to utter the words, "Sure, honey. I'd love to spend all day in frilly little boutiques instead of watching football."

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The answer should be obvious

The question is this: how in Hell did Universal expect to recoup the cost of making Serenity by limiting it's release to less than 900 theaters. I checked the average box office receipts for several movies(ones that have been out at least 3-4 weeks), the number of theaters and box office gross. Some of the numbers leap out at you:

Serenity: 887 theaters, $1.2k/theater, $24.2 million

Tim Burton's Corpse's Bride: 1702 theaters, $1.1k/theater, $50.5 million

In Her Shoes: 2237 theaters(WTF?), $1.7k/theater, $26.2 million

Corpse's Bride is in week 6, so it's first run price per theater has leveled out; In Her Shoes will likely continue to plummet, probably dropping to around the $1.2k/theater mark this week.

Anything leap out at you? Do you notice the most pronounced difference between Burton's movie, which will likely be considered a box office success, and Serenity, will may end up looking like a box office dud? Survey says.... DING-DING-DING! Why yes, that IS the number one answer: double the number of theaters and you might double the box office gross. Crap, even The Fog, which looked like it would suck, got released in almost 3000 theaters.

Maybe next time, if there is a next time, Universal will go with a wider release.

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New Law

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota. more...

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October 23, 2005

Latin translations of the names of some famous bands and television shows

The Beatles

The Temptations

Lapides provolventes
The Rolling Stones

Ille quis
The Who

Mortui grati
The Grateful Dead

The Monkees

Pueri litoris
The Beach Boys

Illi silices
The Flintstones

Insula gilliganis
Gilligan's Island

Zona crepusculi
The Twilight Zone

Opus: quod fiere non potest
Mission: Impossible

Dies felices
Happy Days

Navis amoris
The Love Boat

Iuvenes inquietesque
The Young and the Restless

Pretium iustum est
The Price is Right

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October 21, 2005

The first step is admitting that you have a problem

Looks like Acidman has checked himself into recovery. Good. And it was because he wanted to, not because other nagged him into it. Even better. Excerpt:

I'm following the philosophy I've always preached on this blog. Actions have consequenes. YOU are responsible for your own life.

When I was on my kitchen floor Saturday night in a puddle of ice water and broken glass, unable to get to my feet, I thought, "What would Samantha think if she saw me now? What would Quinton think? What would MY MAMA think, for crying out loud?"

I made my choice then and there. All three would be ashamed of me and I was ashamed of myself. I don't want to go there again.

Even when you're all fucked-up, you can un-fuck yourself if you try. That's what I intend to do.

In case you haven't heard this type of thing before, I'll clue you in: this is how grownups behave. Admit when you've screwed up, kick your own ass and get started fixing your mistakes. I have a bit of experience with this sort of behaviour, although not from the position of an addict. Trust me: there are lots of ways that you can try to fuck up your life. Drugs and alcohol comprise only a small fraction of those ways.

Good luck, Rob. For what it's worth, my prayers are with you. Now go get well.

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Would I sell it?

In a freaking heartbeat. Problem is, who'd be stupid enough to pay this much for my blog?

My blog is worth $128,150.58.
How much is your blog worth?

Thanks to Ace for making me laugh and cry at the same time.

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October 12, 2005

I'm breaking a rule here

Harvey once posted some rules for bloggers to follow, one of which I'll paraphrase: Don't tell people that you'll be gone for a while because it gives them a built-in excuse to ignore your blog.

[Sorry for any error in translation, but I'm too lazy right now to search Bad Example]

In any event, my wife and I are headed to the Bahamas for a week to celebrate, albeit a bit belatedly, our fifth anniversary. I may have pictures and/or stories to share when I get back. Then again, pictures of me could be used to scare small children, so I'll probably be a bit selective in what I post.

So grab some Geek tomorrow, because it'll be the last time for about 10 days.

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Memo to Ohio officials

Blow me.

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October 11, 2005

Don't screw with me

Some website in Asia hot-linked an image of Kirsten Dunst on my blog. After all, why bother to upload the image to your server when you can steal someone else's bandwidth? I decided to do a little file renaming. Check out the picture that they're linking to now.

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Do you believe...

In angels? Look at this picture before you decide.

Still not convinced? Then check out this one.

What? That one was supposed to make you believe in Hell

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A good friend is gone

Tacitus tells a tale that many pet owners can relate to.

My mother has 4 cats. Recently, she adopted a fifth: Penny, a tiny little spit of a Maine Coon female. Penny had been abandoned in my mom's neighborhood, but had been fortunate enough to stumble onto my mother's deck. My mom fed her and took her in. The first visit to the veternarian's office provided the same bit of information that Tacitus had: Penny had an irregular heartbear, a 5 on a scale of 10. The vet said that she might live 15 years if her luck held. It was about twice 15 days. My mom left in the morning, with Penny sitting up in the window sill, watching my mom's car drive away. When she arrived home that afternoon, my mother found Penny dead, stretched out in her window seat. The short time together didn't matter. What did matter was the impact that my mother and Penny had on each other.

I have no words of comfort to offer; they'd fall flat and wouldn't convey how sorry I am for Tacitus. All I can say is that it's five years that he'll always remember fondly, because friends have a way of making things better.

Rest in peace, Oscar.

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October 10, 2005

Well said

Vox's commentary today at WND is one that many women-and men- will find informative. Excerpt:

Fortunately, as we have not yet reached Nerdvana, there are a number of steps that a woman whose priority remains marriage and children can take in order to happily achieve those goals:

1) Don't engage in casual dating relationships after 18. They're fun, and they'll also prevent you from pursuing more fruitful relationships.
3) Settle earlier rather than later. I can't tell you how many women I know who blew off good men in their late teens and early 20s who now regret doing so. Those who are not still single at 35 are now married to men generally considered to be of lower quality than the men they spurned before. Remember, your choices narrow as you get older, while men's choices broaden.
4) Let everyone know that marriage and children is your ultimate goal. Too many women, fearing the wrath of the Sisterhood, secretly wish for them while publicly and piously professing feminist-approved cant to the contrary.
6) Don't hesitate to end relationships that aren't leading toward marriage, or with men who are less than completely positive about the near-term prospect of children. If he hasn't proposed in 18 months, he has no intention of doing so. Cut your losses. Most men know how to string women along and know they'll have no problem replacing you when you finally call their bluff. Never confuse the masculine desire for conflict avoidance with malleability.
Be brutal when assessing the men who are interested in you. Too many women make the mistake of looking only at a man's desirable traits and ignoring his weaknesses early on. But it's not the first kiss that matters – it's the happily-ever-after part. The way he treats others is the way he will eventually treat you.

Let me address the points that I listed above in order:

#1: Friends of mine at work used to ask me, "Why don't you ask her out? She's hot and has the hots for you[note: this didn't happen often]. When I replied that I didn't see any future in such a relationship. other guys would look at me like I'd lost my mine. What I would tell them is that a 2-year relationship that tanks when you're 25 is a learning experience. A similar failed relationship when you're past the age of 30 is a waste, a lost opportunity to notice when the right one comes along. Consequently, I only had 3 relationships after the age of 30, all serious, with the last one becoming the best one: my wife. If I'd been busy chasing skirts, I probably wouldn't noticed when the real deal came around.

#3: Lots of women I knew in their 20's would routinely dump guys that were handsome, had good jobs and treated them like queens, replacing them with ill-mannered cads with whom they had "good chemistry". These women are now in their late thirties, lamenting the lack of "good guys". It offends them when I point out that they dumped plenty of good guys early on, but really, boo effing hoo. When they look back on the emotional wasteland that their lives have become, they need to realize their part in the whole mess instead of whining.

#4: This is true for both men and women. Before I proposed to my wife, I knew that she wanted children as much as I did, which was a good thing. Women aren't the only ones who want children, and men better make certain that their prospective spouse is on the same page.

#6: I met this smart, funny, pretty woman when I was at the GABF this year. She'd been living with a guy for four years, and they'd been dating for almost seven. I told her that her boyfriend better upgrade from girlfriend 1.0 to fiance 1.0 pronto; I told him the same thing, too. He seemed a little pissed that I'd broken the guy code, but too bad. Maybe because he's in his twenties he doesn't realize how many men are actively looking for intelligent, funny, pretty women, with marriage as the end goal. He'd better wise up, though, because it's a seller's market for that type of woman. Someone with a better head on his shoulders will come along and steal his girlfriend away from him, at which point he'll be lamenting the lack of free milk because, you know, all women are bitches.

I know, I know: I've lost some guy cred here. Too bad.

#8: I've lost count of the number of times women have complained to me about their SO's. The reality is that many women still harbor the illusion that they can bend a man to their will, and change him into what they want, rather than what the man actually is. A good friend of mine- okay, a former girlfriend- was living with a guy and told me the following:

"He's so nice some of the time. About 20% of the time, his real personality comes through and he's sweet and attentive. The rest of the time, though, he drinks too much and is a real bastard. I just wish that the real him would show up more often."

I made the point that if he was a dick most of the time, the odds were pretty high that he was, in fact, a dick. The fact that he was nice some of the time didn't make him a good guy, it made him a pretty good manipulator of someone who didn't look at the relationship through the lens of reality.
[I know what you're thinking, and no, my exceptional bluntness isn't what ended our relationship. In fact, we get along much better now as friends than we did as boyfriend/girlfriend.] The dose of reality helped her recognize that it was time to move on and she's been happily married to a really good guy for the last 4 years.

Vox's advice isn't just for women; men need to pay attention to what's important, too, or they'll end in the retirement community bragging about the year that they bagged 20 chicks, while looking on with resentment when the families of other seniors come to visit.

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