Sure, it's a retread of an old joke, but what the heck.
----------------------------------------------------------------

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade in a USA School. The
teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty,
or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by
the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who
is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:54 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Old, but I couldn't resist posting them again:
---------------------------------------------------------

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy who Died From Eating His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Scissors and Screwdrivers: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and The High Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go To Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption

13. The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

14. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
15. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

16. Strangers Have The Best Candy

17. Whining, Kicking and Crying To Get Your Way

18. You Were An Accident

19. The Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will

20. Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

21. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan

22. Your Nightmares Are Real

23. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?

24. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School

25. Why Can't Mr. Fork And Mr. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

26. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things

27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Cross-posted at Madfish Willies.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 05:31 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Yeah, blonde jokes are a lame attempt at humor, one which defames a portion of our society, yadda, yadda, yadda. Look deeply into my eyes: if you see care OR concern, you're looking into the wrong set of eyes:

Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on one of the blondes. The brunette says "I'll go and get some toilet paper. " When she left, one blonde turns to the other blonde and says "Boy,is she ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull will be miles away."

If Michael Moore releases another craptacular cinematic Op-Ed, I'll retool these jokes as I've done in the past.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:18 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.

Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.

These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.

ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW : Make Aggravating WhineNNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with Data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory
PI : Punch Invalid
POPI : Punch Operator Immediately
RASC : Read And Shred Card
RPM : Read Programmers Mind
RSSC : Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
RTAB : Rewind Tape and Break
RWDSK : ReWind DiSK
SPSW : Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD : Seek Record and Scar Disk
WBT : Water Binary Tree

Update: I forgot a couple:

CPL: create permanent loop
ICR: ignore carriage return (see SPO)
JCF: joggle cards to floor
PST: pinch and stretch tape
SPO: shred paper output
WWD: write wrong device

and the ever-popular
FSM: fold, spindle, and mutilate

For the record, I was a mainframe Assembly language programmer for 4 years. I am to be pitied.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:45 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 428 words, total size 3 kb.

From a variety of sources(and yes, I know that some are probably repeats):

Did you hear the one about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?

The newspaper headlines read "small medium at large."
=============================================

An American businessman is visiting Japan.

The first night there, he's getting bored, so he hires a local hooker and they go at it all night. She keeps screaming "Fugifoo! Fugifoo!" and he takes this to mean he's doing something right.

The next day, he's out golfing with his Japanese clients and shoots a hole in one! He can't believe it, and, trying to impress his clients with his knowledge of Japanese, he shouts triumphantly, "Fugifoo!"

The Japanese guys stop and look at him, confused. "What are you talking about?" they ask. "That's the right hole."

========================================

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said,"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought,"I don't fucking think so."

===============================================

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him. They kiss....and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy l-o-v-e.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

=========================================
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me
home.... Please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

=================================================

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:27 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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From David Letterman. Excerpt:

Top Ten Things Overheard During The Michael Jackson Verdict

10. "We the jury find the defendant not guilty--oh God, did I say the wrong one?"

9. "Of course he's nervous--look how pale he is"

8. "Will Mr. Blake and Mr. Simpson please keep the laughter down?"

7. "No, I think he'll do fine in prison"

6. "I'm a celebrity in an L.A. courtroom--I like my chances"

5. "Do you think this'll be on the news tonight?"

4. "We the jury find the defendant creepy"

3. "Michael, good news--I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico"

2. "Wait, have Tito, Latoya and Jermaine always been on the jury?"

1. "Another case of a white guy getting preferential treatment"

And there's more. Lots more.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving.I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:03 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Really old, but worth repeating.
-------------------------------------
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known
as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online
chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe
he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: ::logged of::

::The End::

Update: Yeah, I can call it that, even though it's more than a year after the fact. Anyway, Ace and My Vast Rightwing Conspiracy have two separate posts on this very topic. Funny stuff.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:17 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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