Look at the picture below and try to guess its meaning before clicking on the extended entry.

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The origin of Superman, courtesy of Jay Pinkerton.

It was so sick and twisted that I gave myself a hernia laughing. YMMV.

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Look at the picture, try to figure out what it represents, then look at the answer below the picture.

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* THE PSYCHIC FROGS NETWORK *

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," replies his Advisor, "in her biology class."
---------------------------------------------------

HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the bumper of my car, and I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed!! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, when I did not notice that the light had just changed. The bumper sticker really worked!! I found lots of people who really loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because soon he leaned out the window and yelled "Jesus christ" as loud a he could. It was like a football game with him yelling "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!!" Everyone else started honking, too. So I leaned out the window and smiled at all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could here him yelling about "sunny beach" , and I saw him waving a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my kids what it meant. They squirmed, looked at eachother , then told me it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars back, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I could not hear him very well, but it sounded like "mother trucker!" or "mother from there!". Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that he light had turned green and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did because I was the only driver that got across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

PRAISE THE LORD FOR SUCH WONDERFUL FOLKS!!!
----------------------------------------------------

The Customer is Always Right!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Below is an urban legend. Here is the link to Snopes debunking it. It's pretty funny nonetheless.

Warranty Card Registration

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified

First Name Initial

Last Name

Password

Code Name

Latitude Longitude Altitude

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth

_Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month: Day: Year:

4. Serial Number:

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[ ] Received as gift/aid package

[ ] Catalog showroom

[ ] Sleazy arms broker

[ ] Mail order

[ ] Discount store

[ ] Government surplus

[ ] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[ ] Heard loud noise, looked up

[ ] Store display

[ ] Espionage

[ ] Recommended by friend/relative/ally

[ ] Political lobbying by manufacturer

[ ] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[ ] Style/appearance

[ ] Kickback/bribe

[ ] Recommended by salesperson

[ ] Speed/maneuverability

[ ] Comfort/convenience

[ ] McDonnell Douglas reputation

[ ] Advanced Weapons Systems

[ ] Price/value

[ ] Backroom politics

[ ] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[ ] North America

[ ] Central/South America

[ ] Aircraft carrier

[ ] Europe

[ ] Middle East

[ ] Africa

[ ] Asia/Far East

[ ] Misc. Third World countries

[ ] Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase

[ ] Color TV

[ ] VCR

[ ] ICBM

[ ] Killer Satellite

[ ] CD Player

[ ] Air-to-Air Missiles

[ ] Space Shuttle

[ ] Home Computer

[ ] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

[ ] Communist/Socialist

[ ] Terrorist

[ ] Crazed

[ ] Neutral

[ ] Democratic

[ ] Dictatorship

[ ] Corrupt

[ ] Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[ ] Cash

[ ] Suitcases of cocaine

[ ] Oil revenues

[ ] Deficit spending

[ ] Personal check

[ ] Credit card

[ ] Ransom money

[ ] Traveler's check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

[ ] Homemaker

[ ] Sales/marketing

[ ] Revolutionary

[ ] Clerical

[ ] Mercenary

[ ] Tyrant

[ ] Middle management

[ ] Eccentric billionaire

[ ] Defense Minister/general

[ ] Retired

[ ] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse

[ ] Golf

[ ] Boating/sailing

[ ] Sabotage

[ ] Running/jogging

[ ] Propaganda/disinformation

[ ] De-stabilization/overthrow

[ ] Default on loans

[ ] Gardening

[ ] Crafts

[ ] Black market/smuggling

[ ] Collectibles/collections

[ ] Watching sports on TV

[ ] Wines

[ ] Interrogation/torture

[ ] Household pets

[ ] Crushing rebellions

[ ] Espionage/reconnaissance

[ ] Fashion clothing

[ ] Border disputes

[ ] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:18 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Look at the picture, try to figure out what it represents, then look at the answer below the picture.

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Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:06 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Look at a picture, try to figure out what it represents, then look at the answer below the picture.

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California has implemented a system that alerts citizens to any rumblings in the ground. It's a little unsettling, and therefore might not be safe for work, but here's a picture of the system in action.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 43 words, total size 1 kb.

What follows is the ultimate stocking stuffer: more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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In keeping with the spirit of the comments in this post by Ace, I present you with the prototype of the new Dick Cheney condom line.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Found at this site. Excerpt:

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.

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Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:53 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 That's hysterical! Thanks for sharing.

Posted by: Maureen at November 30, 2005 09:38 AM (hRELA)

2 Cool. Glad to make somebody laugh today.

Posted by: physics geek at November 30, 2005 10:12 AM (Xvrs7)

3 Well make that two! Best laugh all day.

Posted by: uber at November 30, 2005 11:10 AM (8LdKN)

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Due to the ever-increasing cost of postage, and my decreasing ability to write legibly, here is my card to cover every holiday of the rest of our lives. more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:12 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Reposted from last year.

=====================
This has been making its way around the Internet since 1500 B.C., even though the first computer still hadn't been manufactured yet. However, if there's one thing that you can count on me for, it's recycling the stalest holiday humor you've ever seen between now and the New Year.
---------------------------------------------------
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey(Ed. note: this didn't used to be possible)
Update: More on this here.

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:23 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving or Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully (see attached)
3. Roast according to your own recipes and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 12:36 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A man is having an affair with his secratary. After hours of heated love, he realizes he should have been home long ago. As he quickly gets dressed, he asks his secratary to take his shoes outside and rub them in the dirt.

When he gets home, his wife immediately tears into him, "It's almost 9:00, where the hell have you been?"

The man looks her straight in the eye and says "Honey, I have something to admit. I've been having an affair with my secratary. I spent the last two hours making love to her."

The wife looks him up and down and says " You lying son of a bitch, I can tell by looking at the dirt on your shoes that you've been out playing golf!"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 10:20 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A few months ago, the CIA had an opening for an assassin. This highly classified position is hard to fill, requiring enormous testing and background checks involved before an applicant can be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, the Agency narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, for the one available position.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The Agent administering the test took one of the applicants to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could
never shoot my own wife!". "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

The second applicant was brought to the same door and handed the gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", the Agent explained, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go the hell home."

The Agents brought the third applicant to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third applicant. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"

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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Iraq several years before the second Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Iraqi woman: "Terrorist land mines."

I can see Helen Thomas right now, scratching her head while saying, "Huh?"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:49 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A list of seven well-known workplace troublemakers, with tips on how to deal with them. Excerpt:

1. The Misery Lady

Identifying Marks

Sweatshirts decorated with symbols of the nearest holiday.

Often Heard Saying

"Good morning! Oh, where's your hat? Do you like mine? Ha ha ha! It's Floppy Hat day! You didn't hear? Ha ha! Well, it was in my e-mail. Oh, no, that's okay! It's all for fun! You don't have to wear a floppy hat! Jean, do we have an extra floppy hat for him?"

What She Is

She knows your birthday. She always wears a smile. She can make your life a living hell. Like Annie Wilkes of Misery fame, she tells you she's your "Number One Fan" and she means it... as long as you do exactly what she wants.

She says it would be fun if everyone in the office dressed like Cupid for Valentine's Day. She suggests we all get together and put on a skit about the things that make us happy. The boss goes along with her in the name of boosting morale.

The reality, as anyone who has cringed their way through Misery Lady's events can tell you, is that she's "boosting morale" in the same way that dressing up her cat boosts the cat's morale

What You Should Do

Let her see things from your perspective.

At one company where I worked as a consultant, I had the men in the office organize Gladiator Days. On Gladiator Day, everyone was required to go shirtless and speak only in profanity. Everyone was forced to carry a club and all requests were ignored unless followed up with a threat (i.e., "Make these fucking copies for me or else I'll see that your daughter starts being an orphan and stops being a virgin on the very same night.")

By lunch, the message was sent loud and clear: what is fun for one and what is fun for another are two very different things.

Sadly, I recognized all seven. What's worse is that some of them are above me in the chain of command. Oh well. It's not like I actually work during the day.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:37 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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We speak for the dead.

Details at Ace's place.

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A sad, sad story, but it had to be told.

Click on the extended entry to see what happened.
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Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:57 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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